Come see my new Author site

Much has happened since I last posted here. I've published two books! The first, a book of poems, is a bucket list item completed. I started writing poetry in college. Then, after a two-decade hiatus, I started writing again in my forties. This collection touches on themes of nature and renewal, especially the healing power in each of us, as we find meaning and grace in the act of appreciation. The volume is called Walking on Water.

Then, last year, I was invited to write a self-help book on finding meaning and purpose in midlife. I have long wanted to write self-help, but I didn't know how to structure the material. I seized this opportunity both as a learning experience and to share the ways that I have created a life I love after 40. The book is filled with prompts and practices that I have shared with clients over the years, helping people leave behind work that feels like drudgery and relationships that feel like obligations. At the same time, the exercises help readers identify how they want to live going forward, in ways that feel juicy, rich, and aligned with their adult selves. This book is called After 40: Meaning of Life Journal.

Because I am now writing in multiple formats - poetry, self help, and personal essays, I've created a website to share my work, rather than this blog, which has served me and my readers well for so many years. So, I want to invite you to visit me at www.julielevinauthor.com. There, you will find all my latest pieces, and you'll be able to subscribe to get notifications whenever I publish something new.

I'm looking so forward to sharing my work with you!

Going Vegan (and weighing exactly the same)

Next month, I will begin my third year as a vegan. And I have to say, it's a little weird to be a body-positive activist AND a vegan.

Why did I stop eating animal products, you ask?

As with most big changes, it takes getting the message multiple times from multiple sources.

1. Water

First, I have a FB friend who shared how much water is used in raising livestock. I live in the San Francisco East Bay, and I am so heartbroken seeing our redwoods literally turning red as they die from the lack of rain. I'm even more devastated by the worsening fire seasons we have seen lately. Last summer, the fires were the worst ever, and the closest ever. It's scary.

2. Climate change

See above. I want to have a smaller eco-footprint. Plants sequester carbon. Animals emit carbon.

3. Health and aging

As I entered peri-menopause, I felt stiffer and achier. I noticed my cholesterol creeping up. And my energy was low. My older sister had gone vegan and shared how all of her health numbers had normalized. Then another friend shared that she was recovering from cancer. She decided to go vegan after learning how animal products feed tumors, while certain veggies inhibited tumor growth.

That was enough for me to give vegan eating a try.

It was easy to let go of meat. I had never been a meat lover. Sushi was a bit harder, but I find a veggie poke bowl really hits that craving. I'm also a huge fan of veggie sushi, especially inari. I thought dairy would be my greatest challenge. Turns out there are some decent vegan cheeses, butter, and ice cream. So that's worked out.

Finally, I found a group of vegan friends through meetup who took turns hosting a potluck each month. With their help, I discovered really yummy ways to feel full and happy. We even have a virtual group on FB. I found my cooking became so creative and fun, I even started another blog, https://www.fathappyvegan.com/.

The weird thing about going vegan (for me) was how many people turn to plant based diets to lose weight and how many people believe that the only way to be healthy is to be thin. So I am choosing to be a fat positive voice in the vegan community. I am still fat. But my health numbers are all excellent. My energy has improved, and my pain has decreased.

I have no judgement about how anyone else chooses to eat, just like I have no judgement about size or shape. We are all unique and individual. I just like advocating for unconditional self love. That's my jam (preferably on homemade sourdough bread).

Understanding Body Positivity

A million years ago, in 1999, I took a class in grad school on eating disorders. I was 34 years old. And for the first time, I was introduced to the idea that bodies come in all sizes and shapes. For the first time, someone I respected and trusted shared a revolutionary idea...

Fat is not a problem.

It's our culture and our socialization that makes fat a problem.

If you've read this blog, you know I come from a family of people with eating disorders. So to hear that I could learn to love and accept my body without having to change it was akin to a miracle. To see our teacher, Professor Ellyn Herb, modeling what she taught - that we and our future therapy clients could live without shame in our bodies, regardless of our weight was liberating. I wanted it.

This blog was one of the many tools I used to deepen my own growth and understanding of body positivity and self acceptance. Because when I started this journey, there just weren't very many people on the same path. And there were a LOT of people who thought this path was wrong, scary, dangerous, unhealthy, even disgusting. Writing the blog provided a space where I could share what I was learning.

Over the years, I've posted less and less. Probably because this was my tool for self understanding, as I grew more and more comfortable with myself, I needed to write less and less. But there is a world full of people out there who still suffer so deeply from the shame and stigma we learn to torture ourselves with if we think our bodies are not desirable (or even presentable).

So today, I was overjoyed to hear a podcast on body positivity that I want everyone to hear. So, I have created this post to share it with you. If you struggle with body shame, please listen. And even though I don't blog here much anymore, I do still LOVE supporting clients on the journey to radical self acceptance. So if you're in California and looking for a therapist, visit my website to see if we'd be a good fit: www.julielevin.com.

In the meantime, though, listen to this podcast on Body Positivity. You deserve to love yourself all the time, in whatever body you happen to have!

Anxiety and Stress Relief, Part 1, Dissipating Intense, Unpleasant Feelings

Dissipating Intense, Unpleasant Feelings

When you're having an intense and uncomfortable feeling like stress, worry, fear, anger, sadness or aversion, scan your body slowly from head to toe. Notice any places where you feel physical discomfort. 

Anger and sadness often show up in the chest. Anger can feel hot or like wanting to push outward. Sadness can feel cold, heavy or empty. 

Worry and fear often show up in the stomach. Worry can feel tight or jittery. Fear can feel icy or spiky. 

Everyone's experience is unique. Just notice yours without trying to suppress or change anything. See if you can bring a friendly and compassionate feeling toward your discomfort, as if you were sitting with a beloved friend who needed company through a difficult moment. 

Notice if your breathing feels constricted or open. Notice the intensity of the distress, and give it a number from 1 (not too bad) to 10 (horrible). You can use this awareness to track any changes as you do the next steps.

Find the part of your body where the discomfort is worst. Imagine giving more space to the sensations. If your chest is tight, imagine the energy inside expanding outward beyond your body, it can extend three or ten or fifty feet beyond your skin. It's just energy. I've had feelings that fill up whole city blocks.

As the feelings have more room, you may notice that the intensity of them dissipates. Scan your body again, and see if the distress has decreased at all. If it has, this may become a stress-relieving tool you keep handy.

To practice this skill and learn even more body-mind tools to feel good, join me in the class, Techniques to Relieve Stress, Anger & Anxiety, May 19th, 7pm, at Pleasant Hill Rec and Parks.

Lovingkindness: the *Shpiel Method

*In Yiddish, Shpiel (spiel, shpil) means a long, involved story, often used to persuade. When someone calls you to donate money and reads a canned speech, that's their shpiel. When your uncle Morty tells the same old tale about a no-goodnik trying to get one over on him at the flea market, that's his shpiel.

In a few weeks I will be teaching a meditation class. The goals are stress reduction, lowered anxiety, increased self-awareness, self-compassion and resilience. My plan is to start with LovingKindness meditation.

http://www.julielevin.com/meditationclass.php

LovingKindness provides a focus, something for the mind to do instead of thinking all of its habitual thoughts. If we let ourselves really feel the emotions that go along with the words, we also generate some very nice feelings, and with that, we change the chemical bath our neurons live in. LovingKindness also creates a new mind-habit: thinking compassionately about ourselves and everyone else.

As a therapist, I think this is a great way to begin a meditation practice that will gradually shift toward mindfulness in general and insight in particular. Having our own compassion is a gift when we sit quietly and notice all the mental debris that has collected in our minds over the years. It's a gift when we begin to feel the emotions that a noisy mind is trying to keep us from feeling.

In preparation for the class, I've been thinking about my LovingKindness Spiel - the talk I plan to give to introduce the practice, and to help students deepen into the feelings that LovingKindness invites. It helps that SHPL is the acronym I use when I teach my version. Here's what I plan to tell them.

S is for SAFE. May we all be safe. May we be safe from muggers and terrorists, from car accidents, financial setbacks. May we be safe from the latest virus making headlines. When I wish safety for myself and all beings, I imagine a wave of energy circling the planet. In the mind-movie I create, people literally put their guns down. This is a prayer I send out to the universe, just in case anyone with any kind of power is listening. Then I reflect on my part in this change I wish to see. I lay down my own weapons - usually sarcasm and judgment. And when I do this, I usually feel a sense of relief and ease wash over my body. Then I focus on the good feeling my intention creates.

H is for HEALTHY. May we all be healthy in mind, body and spirit. May the delusions that cause fear and animosity fall away. May the stress that creates tension and illness fall away. May doctors and scientists discover treatments or vaccinations for cancer, MS, ALS, and all the other diseases we struggle with. I send the prayer. I see the wave of energy. And then I reflect on my part. May I eat wholesome food. May I do cardio most days. May I work on dissolving the mind and body habits that create pain. When I wish myself and the world health, that sense of relief and ease usually expands, and I marinate in the good feeling in my body.

P is for PEACEFUL. May we call feel peace and contentment. Especially because we can't control how life unfolds or how other people behave. May we all discover the ability to observe our feelings and respond gently to them. I send the prayer. I see the wave. I bring it inside. May I continue developing my own compassionate, observing self, who can feel all the feels, big and small, without trying to control things I have no ability or business trying to control. Now the relief is even bigger. It's so good to remember I can be peaceful even when I am struggling or in pain.

L is for LOVINGKINDNESS. May we all be filled with lovingkindness. May we awaken in the understanding that life is painful for everyone, even Dick Cheney, as Anne Lamott would say. I send the prayer. I see the wave. May I grow more and more compassionate with myself and others. May I remember to practice random acts of kindness. When someone drives like a jerk, may I remember they are struggling and send them wishes for safety, ease and peace.

Lovingkindness usually fills my heart with tenderness and openness. Sometimes I can feel it in every cell of my body, as if I am glowing. I imagine (and studies are beginning to confirm this) that I am flooding my body with happy neurotransmitters and new neurons are growing.

So that's my plan for the first few sessions, steeping in LovingKindness. Later we will use that compassion and the bath of happy neurotransmitters to deepen into compassion for all of our thoughts, crazy and sane,  and all of our feelings, comfortable and uncomfortable.

And that is my shpiel.

If you want to join us in this practice, you'll find all the details here.

To learn more about how meditation changes the brain, read this article by Dr. Rebecca Gladding.

Book Review: Amanda's Big Dream

I was a fat kid. I had a mom with an eating disorder, who restricted my food intake before I was even born. She liked to brag that she only gained 22 pounds when she was pregnant. In school I was teased for being fat. By the time I was in kindergarten, I assumed that if someone was mean to me, it had to be due to my body.

At age nine, I was a member of weight watchers, weighing and measuring my food, but also weighing and measuring my worth. At fourteen, I was eating between 600 and 900 calories a day. By eighteen, I was binging and vomiting. No matter how thin I became, I could not outrun (or out-diet) my anxiety. I wasn't a naturally thin person, so an anvil hung over my head, waiting to drop. If I regained the weight I'd lost, which surely I would because I was sooooo hungry, who could possibly love me?

It would be another fourteen years before I discovered the size acceptance movement and began to practice loving myself unconditionally in the body I have. It's been a long and arduous process, full of fits and starts, to really embrace myself lovingly. Along the way, I learned from experience that how I feel about myself and how I treat myself sets the tone for how others treat me. When I felt ashamed of my body, people were openly critical and judgmental, even though I was a size four. Now that I am comfortable in my skin, people just enjoy who I am at a size 16.

I would never want a child to experience the shame, blame and rejection I felt. I would never want another human being to feel less than because she or he weighed more than fashion or weight charts dictate. Yet we still live in a world where fat is held in fear and contempt, fat people are seen as inferior and morally weak, and thinness is equated with desirability and good health (despite growing evidence that fitness, not fatness, is the best indicator of health).

So I am thrilled to share a book on size acceptance written for kids (and their parents). Amanda's Big Dream is about a little girl who loves figure skating.

When her coach suggests that losing weight could help improve her performance, she begins to doubt her ability. Her parents and her doctor (who thankfully practices a Health at Every Size approach), are supportive and encouraging. Amanda's best friend teaches her that it's not size, but lots of practice, that makes a skater great.

We need more books that help parents, teachers, doctors, coaches (and first-ladies) recognize and stop playing into fat-shaming kids. A couple TV shows and video games would be good too. Until that happens, we are the front line. We need to become role models of self love and self acceptance for our kids. And we need tools to talk to them about the fat discrimination they will likely face or witness in this culture. Amanda's Big Dream might help start those important conversations.

Judith Matz Teaches Parents to Prevent Negative Body Image

Whether you're a parent or you're reparenting your inner child, this article by Judith Matz is great for preventing and undoing fat shame.

http://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/9-common-mistakes-parents-make-about-their-kids-weight/

Straightening the Cake

I wrote this essay several years ago, and just ran across it again...

S'mores Cake

I remember as a kid, standing in front of the refrigerator, scanning for something I wanted to eat and not finding it amidst the low-fat cottage cheese in the pink container, the non-fat milk in the blue container, and the steamed, skinless chicken breast wrapped in plastic. My mother would yell at me to shut the door and stop wasting energy. She meant the energy the fridge used. Looking back I realize I was wasting my energy trying to find something I actually wanted to eat. Outside in the garage we had an extra freezer that housed Sara Lee cheese cakes and pound cakes - for my mother's dinner parties. I liked to open that freezer door and stand there too, wasting energy.

My mother hid "goodies" for herself. On top of the fridge in a big wooden bowl, under a towel lay a bag of malted milk balls. Her stash. My two older sisters taught me to climb onto the counter and find the bag. We would each have a couple. Not too many or Mother would notice.

When my mother threw those elaborate dinner parties, she created dishes out of Gourmet magazine. Gourmet magazines filled the rack in the bathroom. I could read about buttery sauces and cheese filled pasta while sitting on the toilet. But in the kitchen, there was nothing good to eat.

At my mother's parties, I learned to sit at the table and pretend to be satisfied with a smidge of this and a sliver of that. I ate the salad with the real dressing, full of fat, and pretended I didn't want more. I ate the pasta filled with ricotta and spinach and parmesan and pretended I didn't want more. I ate the dessert - one of those frozen cheesecakes, now defrosted and decorated with cherry pie filling. I pretended I didn't want to eat the whole thing.

When the parties were over, and it was my turn to help clear the table and clean the kitchen, I would sneak more food. I carried the warm brie and crackers from the living room back to the kitchen, sneaking a bite as I set it on the counter. I ate the remnants of pasta off the serving plate before washing and drying it. And when there was cake left over, I sliced off a tiny wedge, so no one would notice.

My sisters would do the same. We were in cahoots, conspiring with each other as we ate forbidden food, literally behind my mother's back. Sometimes my mother would even be "in" on the process. If my mother turned around at just the right moment, she might catch one of us enjoying a transparently thin slice of cake. My sister Sue, in training to become a master manipulator, would say innocently, "I'm just straightening it out. It was crooked."

We would all laugh, nervous laughter, the laughter of recognition. We ALL wanted more cake, even mom. Sometimes, we would put the cake in the middle of the kitchen table. Mom and her three daughters would sit around the table talking, making each other laugh, and straightening the cake.

Though my mother restricted our food (or tried) and dragged us to Weight Watchers, and complained bitterly when we got fat, and despaired over her own (usually minimal) arm flab, I can't blame her for the shame I felt about my body. It was her shame too. In the process of trying to protect us and ensure our happiness, living in a culture that hates fat, she did her best to keep us thin. She fed us her anxiety on a bed of undressed lettuce, topped with a weighed and measured portion of very dry chicken.

Do I Have to Forgive, Part 2 (When the Answer is Yes)

In my first post on forgiveness. I focused on the importance of having your own permission NOT to forgive. The key was to be certain that you protect yourself from the person who harmed you. This permission is so essential when the person who is harmful cannot or will not behave differently. Not everyone is capable of taking responsibility for their behavior. Some people will continue to shame or blame you for getting hurt. In these situations, boundaries are more important than forgiveness.

But there are times when forgiveness becomes necessary - not for the other person, but for YOU. Forgiveness in this sense is not about mending or repairing a relationship. It's about letting go of the indignation, the hurt and above all, the WISH that the other person could one day develop the capacity for empathy, care and repair.

The folks at www.nomoreshameproject.com have a one-page on forgiveness that describes this so well...

Forgiving your abuser(s) is ultimately a benefit for you, not only a benefit to your abuser. Forgiving them can relieve a weight of heaviness, bitterness, anger and resentment you might be harboring that could be extremely damaging to your recovery or even your physical health.

For me the need to forgive comes on sleepless nights. My bladder or my cat (or very often, my cat standing on my bladder) wake me, and in the wee vulnerable hours, my poor little mind goes around and around the loop of insanity, trying to explain to myself why the person who has harmed me is wrong. The unseen person in the conversation is the part of me that WISHES so fervently for repair. The loud, repetitive one arguing is the one who knows that repair isn't possible. To reconnect would only mean further abuse.

In these 2am or 3am struggles, the only thing that gets me back to sleep is a sweeping, all encompassing declaration of forgiveness. Instead of the loop, I tell myself and the world that I forgive all wrongs ever done to me so I can sleep. I forgive everyone and everything, just for tonight. Tomorrow I may change my mind (this is for the one who needs to know I will not put myself back in harm's way). But tonight, when I am tired, and I need to let go, I forgive. I forgive big and broad and deep. And it gets me to sleep.

I like this idea of forgiveness as a tool to use as needed, rather than a thing to do to "get over it." On that same one-page from nomoreshameproject.com they write,

Forgiveness is not always a “one and done” action. Sometimes we must make a conscious effort to “re- forgive” when we are flooded with memories or the aftereffects of our abuse. Forgiveness can sometimes be a process that needs repetition often. 
 That’s okay. That doesn’t mean you’ve done it wrong. It just means the wrongs done against you were deep and lasting. 

Ultimately, what I am really forgiving is my own longing that things can be different. This is how it is for us who grew up with emotional abuse or neglect. We have little ones inside of us that are still hungry for the connection our bodies were wired for - the parent-child attachment based on safety, soothing and cherishing. I can apologize to the little girl I used to be. I can tell her, I'm so sorry mom and dad couldn't give you that feeling of security and connection you needed. I'm sorry they will never develop this capacity. It's not fair. It's not okay. You don't have to like it.

This is the apology that allows me to move out of the obsessive loop of longing for something that doesn't exist and into the grieving and letting go. The grief hurts, but it doesn't feel crazy. It's recognizing that what looked like an oasis was actually a mirage. And that realization lets me find water where it actually exists.

"...and I was fat as hell the whole time."

I'm not usually one to post articles on my blog, yet here I am doing just that for the second time in a row. The thing is, sometimes other people write things I wish I'd written. This is one of those times. 

I too got married fat, and without wearing any minimizing undergarments. It was 1995 and I was just beginning my journey toward self acceptance and fat positivity. I didn't yet know there were others like me, getting ready to say no to both the external and internalized fat prejudice rampant in our culture. It would be another two or three years before I would discover books like When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies or Fat!So? 

When I took up the loving and accepting language of fat positivity, people became silent and awkward. Conversations about dieting and self hatred would abruptly stop when I walked into the office lunch room. There wasn't yet a place for an open dialogue where I could say, "Hey, maybe all of our bodies are just fine exactly the way they are." When I tried, it was like I was speaking a foreign language.

So it warms my heart to share this joyful article by Lindy West on being an unapologetic fat bride. 

Being Thin Can't Make You Happy... But this Article Might :-)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ravishly/being-thin-didnt-make-me-happy-being-fat-does_b_6661862.html

Eat Whatever the Huckleberry you Want

I just saw an article on FB telling us that milk is harmful. If you love milk, don't fret. Next year, milk will be a superfood that cures everything that ails you. And if you hate milk, no worries. The year after that, it will be demonized again. I've said it before. The experts have no idea what's good for you. Carbs, fats, nuts, eggs, gluten - they all get their turn as villain and hero.

I wonder if this scientific back and forth is really a reflection of a bigger struggle in our culture: we feel guilty for enjoying delicious food. It must be healthy, or we are "bad." 

Food is not a moral issue. Neither is being fat - even though people fiercely judge those with body fat. Know what is a moral issue - at least in the Christian faith? Judging people. You can't control whether other people are judgemental. But you can work toward making your own mind a judgement free zone. Loving yourself unconditionally is a very good diet to adopt. It will lower your stress. And I think the experts remain consistent that stress damages health.

Love, on the other hand creates oxytocin. Dr. Michael Gershon, author of The Second Brain, writes about how oxytocin appears to reduce inflammation in the gut and positively impact autoimmune disorders. It also creates feelings of bliss. So, rather than fussing over what you put in your mouth or the number on the scale, feed yourself a steady diet of kindness, gentleness, play and compassion. Wrap your own arms around yourself and send love to every cell in your body. Even if the feelings aren't genuine at first, pretend that they are. Treating yourself lovingly will make you feel loved over time. 

If other people judge you, tell them to take a flying huckleberry.

Honoring Your Inner Mother on Mother's Day

If you struggle on Mother's Day (or any holiday) because your relationship with your mom was (is) difficult -

If you felt more like a burden to her than a gift -

If you've been learning to love yourself (or want to learn how) unconditionally -

Read my newest post on www.reparent-yourself.com.

Brilliant TED talk on the brain's role in regulating weight.

if you're trying to lose weight, especially for your health, watch this great TED talk

I'm cheating on my blog, with another blog

Yes, I know, I've been neglecting this space all month (well two). It's time to come clean. I've started a new blog. It's not that I don't love this one. It's just that I find I keep writing about self care instead of emotional eating. And yes, self care is part of the healing process, but I've really been off topic for a while now.

I also wanted to learn WordPress (sorry Blogger!). So I made a site using that tool. I can't say I've loved it. The learning curve made me want to slap the internet. But with all the hard work now mostly done, I'm keeping it. Besides, it's purple.

So, come over for a visit. www.reparent-yourself.com.

It's just got a few posts, but in time I will add more and more, eventually creating what I hope will be a definitive "How-To" for those of us who didn't get the parenting we needed as kids.

I hope it proves healing and helpful!

What I Know for Sure about Emotional Eating

It's been a long time since I've written about food or weight or emotional eating. And yet, all the other topics - self esteem, self-protection, loss, cultural dogma - aren't those the things we eat over? I was wondering about the shift in the blog. It mirrors a shift in my own growth.

It's been fascinating to step back from myself and watch my relationship with food change over the years. Don't get me wrong. I still love bacon, and I'm a huge fan of ice cream.

Bacon Ice Cream (photo, from House and Home magazine)
no longer has the power to fix painful feelings or create self-loathing. Yay!

What's different is I don't turn to bacon or ice cream for soothing anymore. Also, my weight hasn't really changed significantly in the past fifteen years. What's different is I don't hate my body anymore.

This blog is a chronicle of how I got to this place of self love and self acceptance. In the beginning, I took it on faith, that if I practiced being loving with myself, I would create loving feelings for myself. I took it on faith that if I practiced unconditional self-acceptance, I would eventually stop criticizing myself or wishing for a different shape or size (the magical one that would end all suffering forever). And it worked!

I often tell my clients who struggle with overeating or other compulsive behaviors, that addiction is substitution. What we are all really hungry for is the safety of being loved and accepted exactly as we are. We live in a culture where there is so much judgement and rejection. And we imagine that a different size or shape (or income or title…) will inoculate us against that painful not-belonging-ness. But changing ourselves to avoid criticism doesn't work. As the young people say, "haters gonna hate."

The person who has to love you absolutely and fiercely, no matter what is YOU. You may have to take it on faith for a while. You may need help to change your inner critic into an ally. You may have to set limits with friends and family who still judge themselves and others negatively. The process is slow and marked with fits and starts. But I can tell you this. The freedom - not just from emotional eating - but from the insidious self-hatred that follows a binge or a weigh-in, that freedom is DELICIOUS.

Do You Have to Forgive?

Sometimes our spiritual traditions work against us, making us feel broken, sinful, or weak if we can't or won't follow their precepts. Often those precepts are offered as the only way to go or the only right way - even by people who say they embrace diversity and differences. One of the topics where this phenomenon occurs is forgiveness. I see all kinds of FB memes - especially in the wake of the new year - telling us we must forgive in order to set ourselves free. And while I agree that holding on to anger or resentment is damaging to the self, I don't agree that forgiveness is always THE path to freedom. It is one path. 

If you are finding it difficult to forgive, don't despair. If you feel bad or defective because you can't forgive, don't despair. Your grudge may be trying to tell you something important. Before you rush to get rid of your ill feelings, listen to them. What do they need you to know?

Recently, I found myself invaded by recurring thoughts of an injustice I experienced. I kept having fantasy conversations in which I would explain to the other person how they had wronged me. Yet I knew without a doubt that confronting this person would have no positive effect for either of us. In this situation, the serenity prayer was far more effective than forgiving. I needed to accept what I could not change (the other person) and change what I could (myself).

It's the story of the scorpion and the frog. If you don't know it, a scorpion asks a frog for a ride across a pond. The frog says, "But you'll sting me." The scorpion says, "No I won't. If I sting you, we'll both drown." The frog agrees. Half way across the pond, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog says, "Now we'll both die! Why did you do this?" The scorpion says, "It's my nature."

I didn't have to forgive my scorpion. I needed to stop giving it rides. 

I needed to look at why I had been forgiving the stings for so long. 

For me, it was about a deep fear, instilled when I was a child, that saying "no" would bring about retribution. It was about recognizing my fear as a post traumatic stress reaction, and taking the risk of showing myself that now, as an adult, I can say, "No more rides." Those who respect me will manage their disappointment. Those who don't will move on. If they throw tantrums, I can move on. 

When I worked my way through this process, my resentment disappeared. I didn't need forgiveness to let go. I needed to know I could and would protect myself. 

Often when we are hurt or violated in some way, we are left feeling powerless. If this is true for you, it might be important to reclaim your power. This doesn't mean holding power over others or taking vengeance. It just means knowing that you will love and protect yourself from relationships that feel depleting, diminishing, or disrespectful, even if it takes work and courage to get there. 

Befriending Your Inner Critic

So much has been written about the inner critic - that voice in your head that says you aren't good enough. Cognitive therapists use the term, "shame busting," to describe how they approach the inner critic. And many of the other psychological theories advocate some variation on this same theme - silence the inner critic, tame the gremlin, etc.

But most of my clients, like me, have inner critics that do not want to be killed off. Many therapists would call this "resistance," or some kind of self-sabotaging impulse. I disagree.

As an adult attachment therapist (I look at how early attachment in our families shapes our self-image and world-view), I learned that my inner critic developed to keep me in alignment with the values and needs of my family, peers, and teachers at a time when I was too little to survive in the world alone. Being so young, I could not know that many of the values and needs I was trying to conform to were unhealthy. They arose out of the insecurities of those around me, and they created insecurity inside of me.

I have written here about my dad and his abuse history, but my mom's insecurities were far more damaging. She is a classical narcissist, whose primary objective is to procure admiration from others. When I reflected well upon her, I was treated kindly, even celebrated. If I needed her (especially if I needed something she was not good at providing), I was ignored or rejected. I was constantly compared unfavorably to my sisters, cousins, even strangers. I spent a lot of my childhood depressed, but didn't know it. Depression was my normal. I turned to food for soothing, even though the price was more disapproval and rejection from mom, who needed thin daughters that people would admire.

As I began to understand this dynamic through my adult eyes, so did my inner critic. As soon as I stopped trying to kill her off (my inner critic, not my mother), she became my ally and took on a new job. Instead of keeping me in line with people who are not healthy for me, her job is to let me know when things don't feel right. Instead of yelling at me to conform or be "good enough," her job is to remind me that my life is for me, not others. I am no longer tiny and vulnerable. I can say "no" or walk away from anything that is depleting, diminishing, harmful - or even vaguely not-quite-right.

When I was little, I had no choice about who surrounded me. Today, I actively choose friends, clients, colleagues, and extended family who are healthy, safe, and loving. My inner critic is AWESOME at detecting narcissists, psychopaths, and other icky folk and sounding the alarm so I steer clear of them. I LOVE her in this role.

She also keeps me company now when I am alone. She knows this was the lynchpin for me - the thing that kept me stuck in one-sided relationships far too long. Now, instead of buying into the notion that my aloneness was my own fault, she reminds me that there are lots of people in the world who are compassionate and caring, who love and accept me as I am, warts and all. She also reminds me that she is with me now in the best of ways. I will always have her loving, supportive presence within. And that inner safety and sweetness is more than good enough.

"Coming out" with a mental health diagnosis

I love the art in this article in the Huffington post, but more than that, I love the message. SOOO many people have (or have had) a mental health diagnosis. The shame that often accompanies the diagnosis is, I think, one of the worst parts. Too many of my clients have refused or delayed seeking help because they feared the stigma. Let's make it safe for everyone to be who they are, warts and all. Ready, go!

What Bipolar Disorder Really Feels Like, By Sarah Klein in the Huffington Post

What to Do When the Difficult Person is a Narcissist or a Sociopath

Last month, I wrote about dealing with difficult people. Several of you wrote back or spoke to me off-line asking, "What if this person is really disturbed?"

Unfortunately about 4 to 8% of our fellow human beings have a serious personality disorder like narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder (also known as psychopaths or sociopaths). When you have to deal with someone who has severe narcissism or antisocial personality disorder you will feel off-balance, anxious, and vaguely (or not so vaguely) threatened. It's not a fun experience.

Lucius Malfoy exemplifies a severe narcissist.
His primary aim is to feel better than others.

Severe Narcissism 

Both narcissists and psychopaths are controlling and manipulative. The narcissist seeks control in order to gain a steady supply of admiration. They need constant validation and support of their grandiose sense of self in order to defend against debilitating shame. Usually they begin by seducing others with charm and flattery. They may seem to understand you deeply. But this is not real. They have no felt sense of empathy.

Inevitably, you will fail them, because everyone does (their need is impossible to fill). Then their manipulation may turn to rage or withdrawal. Some narcissists can become vengeful, trying to turn others against you and moving into a position of grandiose victimhood. The narcissist wants others to see him or her as the best at everything, including being the most unjustly treated when in conflict.

Before he was Voldemort, Tom Riddle, the poster child
for anti-social personality disorder, was already
using people to gain power.

Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD) 

The person with ASPD (also called psychopaths or sociopaths) wants control in order to feel powerful. Like narcissists, they begin relationships pouring on the charm and flattery. A sociopath can make you feel like you are part of a select and special group. They can make you feel special and important in ways that no one else ever has. They are also great at faking empathy. They are natural actors, and they study human behavior in order to manipulate others effectively and efficiently.

Often sociopaths are cult leaders, church leaders, and CEOs. Sociopaths are usually greedy, because money can be used to control or exert power over others. Psychopaths (at the more criminal or dangerous end of the antisocial spectrum) may use violence to control others. The more "high functioning" sociopaths will use vague threats as well as promises of great rewards that usually never materialize or those rewards come with a price tag - usually the feeling that you are betraying yourself.

Both narcissists and people with ASPD will leave you in a state of repetitive, anxious thinking known as rumination. Your thoughts will generally circle around to fantasies in which you teach the other person a lesson. This comes out of feelings of powerlessness and a normal, human a desire to be treated with respect and dignity. It is fueled by an underlying belief that if the other person could just "get it" they would change their ways. Letting go of this belief is the key to YOUR freedom and healing.

It is essential to know that people with these personality disorders almost never change. If they do, it is only with intensive, long-terms psychotherapy and usually only after a devastating experience in which their strategies for maintaining admiration or power completely fail.

Your Best Options 

Your best course of action is to have as little contact with a narcissist or psychopath as possible. Your energy will be far better spent doing other things. If possible, you may choose to cut off relationships with these people entirely. Technology can be a wonderful friend in this endeavor. Calls can be blocked. Emails can be deleted automatically so you never know that they were sent.

If you must interact with a narcissist or a sociopath, your best strategy is to become boring to them. Like cats playing with mice, they will lose interest when you stop being fun - which means when you stop being a source of admiration or wounding for the narcissist or stop being someone that the sociopath can use to feel powerful or gain money or other resources from.

Safety First 

Dealing with a sociopath or psychopath alone can be dangerous. They have no empathy and can't be reasoned with. Your safety is paramount. If these strategies don't work and you feel threatened, don't hesitate to get outside support from understanding friends, neighbors, coworkers, or if necessary, legal support from an attorney or the police.

If you grew up with a parent, sibling, or other influential person who had narcissistic or psychopathic tendencies, you may be more vulnerable to the seductions of these people. If this is true for you, then therapy to heal your own feelings of powerlessness and "not good enough-ness" will be invaluable in helping you to let go of these toxic relationships.