Monday, September 24, 2007

Inner Child Work

I recently attended a workshop with Carol Munter – one of the authors of Overcoming Overeating. She co-led with Robyn Posin, a psychotherapist from Ojai who has a website based on her inner-child work, called “For the Little Ones Inside.”

Robyn has spent much of her life devoted to honoring, allowing, cultivating and celebrating the feminine, nurturing and loving aspects of the self. In the workshop, I realized that those of us struggling with food, weight and body image OFTEN have deep mothering wounds – feelings or beliefs that we were too much for our mothers – that we wore them out or needed too much. Some of us experienced competition with our mothers. Others felt controlled by our mothers. And still others of us learned to distance ourselves from our mothers, valuing our fathers’ ways of being – for whatever reason.

These mothering wounds stay with us into adulthood, leaving us always HUNGRY for:
  • Unconditional love and acceptance
  • Recognition of our feminine strength and power
  • Respect for our intuitive knowing
  • Permission to move at our own pace, in our own ways, as we give birth to ideas, experiences and aspects of ourselves
Our relationship with food is but a doorway to FEEDING our hearts, souls and minds.

For more information about Robyn’s work, visit www.forthelittleonesinside.com. Be sure to click her link, Eating My Way Home.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Edna Turnblad

Have you seen Hairspray (the remake) yet? I LOVE this movie. And I especially love watching the transformation of Edna Turnblad (played by John Travolta) from frumpy, shameful, shut-in, to glorious, glamorous activist.

With the encouragement of daughter Tracy (Nikki Blonsky) and Motormouth Maybelle (Queen Latifah), Edna realizes that it's okay to "live large." It doesn't hurt to have a husband (Christopher Walken playing Wilbur Turnblad) who really loves and appreciates Edna for exactly who she is.

But is this "happy ending" just a movie fantasy? NO!

It's really important when you're working on size and self-acceptance to remember that the movies (and tv and magazines) usually portray a very skewed view of human (especially women's) bodies. The average woman in the United States wears a size 14. That's AVERAGE (aka normal). If you believe what you see in the media, it's too easy to compare yourself and fall short.

Real women come in all shapes and sizes. We have fat deposits on our hips, bellies and thighs. Our boobs are uneven. We get acne and wrinkles. AND, we find partners who love us and desire us, exactly as we are (just like Edna).

If this is hard to believe, go outside. Walk around a mall, a supermarket, anywhere that people congregate. Notice who's alone and who's together. You won't see all the perfect people coupled up and the imperfect single. You'll see a mix.

Love isn't about perfection. It's about connection.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Pressure to be Thin

A couple of years ago, a radio commercial for some diet product announced, "No one wants to be fat!" We take this statement for granted in our culture. In fact, it may be an understatement. We are conditioned to fear fat, to feel disgusted by fat in our food and on our bodies. We come up with all kinds of judgments about fat people, assuming that if someone is fat, she must be lazy or weak. He must lack willpower or just not care about himself.

When I ask my students and clients why they want to be thin, the answer always boils down to this: They don't want to be judged or treated badly based on their size, weight or shape. If you read my last post on anxiety, you can see how the fear of judgment can actually lead to compulsive eating! We want to feel "good enough." If we feel fat (not good enough) we get anxious. Needing to soothe that anxiety, we eat.

It makes sense that we are meant to come in all different shapes in sizes. In nature, that's the way it works! What doesn't make sense is assigning a value to one size or shape over another. We all deserve to feel attractive, worthwhile, secure, and loveable regardless of our size or weight. It helps to look at the prejudice against fat through the same lens as any other prejudice. We know that it's not okay to judge or discriminate against women, people of color, or people in wheelchairs. We need help to realize that it's also not okay to judge or discriminate against people of different sizes.

We need this help because we are conditioned by the culture we live in. We internalize the messages we hear repeated over and over again. And the message we keep hearing is, "No one wants to be fat." I invite you to repeat a new message to yourself: "People are meant to come in all shapes and sizes."

Catch yourself when you have a judgmental thought about your body or someone else's. Question the judgment.
  • Where is it really coming from?
  • Is it just conditioning?
  • Is it fear?
  • What would you rather think?
Resources:

http://www.bodypositive.com/

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Anxiety: The Heart of Addictions and Compulsions

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We tend to think of Addictions and Compulsive behaviors as problems that stand alone. Once the addiction or compulsion is stopped, everything is okay. And while recovery from an addiction or compulsion is a huge relief, it is also essential to heal the underlying emotions. As George Carlin once said, “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."

So what’s under the addiction or compulsion?
It all starts with anxiety - specifically anxiety about being deficient, or “not good enough.” Typical indicators of this anxiety are:

  • Perfectionism – striving to meet an unattainable ideal
  • Avoidance – hiding imperfections from others
  • Compensation – Having outward signs of success, but feeling like a fraud inside
  • Judgment – Finding fault with everything and everyone; feeling frustrated that no one can measure up
  • Self-Judgment – Finding fault with oneself
  • Irritability – a toned-down (and socially more acceptable) expression of anger about having to prove one’s worth
  • Depression – a “why bother” response to repeated failure at “measuring up”

How does Anxiety Become an Addiction or Compulsion?
Compulsions are actions we are compelled to take even though they don’t make sense and may have negative consequences. At first, the compulsion provides pleasure and relief from anxiety. Then, guilt or shame over the negative consequences becomes the focus of the thoughts and the unpleasantness. Compulsions are a great distraction.

Addictions operate like compulsions, but in addition to the psychological component, there is also a physical component. The body requires a substance to achieve equilibrium. Recovery entails healing both the body and the psyche.

The Anxiety-Compulsion Cycle
The belief “I’m not good enough” is self-perpetuating. The truth is, we are all flawed. That’s just normal. It’s the fantasy that we shouldn’t be flawed that causes distress and an unending pursuit of relief from that distress.

Addictions and compulsions provide that relief for a while. Eventually, the addiction or compulsion creates more anxiety than relief. When this happens, people become obsessed with controlling their behavior. “I can stop anytime,” is the mantra, and indeed there are many “successful” days, months, even years when the new problem remains under control.

Often the success lies in transferring the obsessive thoughts to controlling the problem behavior (getting the monkey off your back). When we channel energy into dieting or abstinence, each day of success “proves” that we are “good enough.”

There’s just one problem. The original wounds that resulted in the belief about NOT being good enough are still there, unattended (this is the circus that George Carlin refers to). The positive feelings that result from successful abstinence are shaky at best, because they are conditional. One misstep or slip, and the negative self-judgment is re-confirmed.

Why Traditional Approaches Fail
Approaches like AA, Weight Watchers, or Clutterers Anonymous fail for three reasons.
  1. By focusing on the addiction or compulsion, they give anxiety a new area of focus: doing the program “good enough.” The result is an addiction to AA or the gym or some other source of “help.”
  2. Because they don’t heal the underlying anxiety, the risk for relapse is always high. Interestingly, both AA and dieting have a 95% failure rate after 3 years.
  3. Traditional approaches inadvertently perpetuate the fear of judgment. In AA and other 12-step groups, people count their days of abstinence. If they “slip,” they have to start over at day one. It’s like being a bad kid who’s sent to the back of the line. With dieting, it’s much the same. As long as you’re on the diet you’re “good.” As soon as you go off, you’re “bad.”

So What’s the Answer?
Identifying and healing the original wounds that set the whole thing into motion.

These wounds are frequently the result of criticism and judgment by family members, teachers, peers or other important people as we’re growing up. We internalize this judgment and develop our own “inner critic” – the voice in our own minds which is often more harsh than the original criticism.

When we identify the source of these wounds as adults, we realize that those original messages were inaccurate and distorted. We also come to see that the expectation that we become “perfect” is unrealistic and unnecessary. These realizations allow us to form more appropriate and realistic beliefs and expectations about ourselves and others. We can relax into our imperfections and come to like ourselves as we are, unconditionally.

While this work is neither simple or easy, it is incredibly rewarding and effective. Not only do you get to enjoy life without addictions or compulsions, you get to live with a person (YOU) who is kind, respectful, forgiving, nurturing encouraging…in short, you get to love yourself.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Classes, Coaching and More!!!

If you haven't visited my website lately, you'll find some changes. As my therapy practice develops and I learn more, I want to share more of what I discover. Now when you click the Emotional Eating link, you'll find information about my Workshops in Pleasant Hill, new start dates and times for my Support Groups, and a brand new link to my COACHING page devoted to helping people stop eating compulsively.

"Why coaching" you ask? I'm discovering more and more people who want to learn the non-diet approach, but due to geography or other restrictions, can't attend my classes or groups in person. The coaching program is a personalized version of the 12-week group format - but delivered via email over 12 months. Clients are provided with monthly assignments. These include short articles to read, some journaling, as well as setting goals and taking steps to care for the emotions they've been eating over. I provide written feedback on all assignments as well as monthly tele-coaching sessions to answer questions, clarify goals and actions, and provide support and encouragement.

When needed, coaching clients are encouraged to work with a therapist in their area to get support and insight on any emotions that are particularly painful, or areas where they feel stuck.

For more info, visit www.julielevin.com/freedomcoaching.htm. There, you'll find the first month's assignments so you can get a preview of the program - or a head start!

Let me know what you think of these changes and new options.

Warm regards,
Julie

Thursday, February 15, 2007

But What About Health?

We are given so many messages about the ill effects of overweight on health, it's scary. The good news is that many of the claims about weight and health are inaccurate or exaggerated. There are several great books now, debunking the myths of the diet industry. These include Fat Politics by J. Eric Oliver and The Diet Myth by Paul Campos.

I am not an MD or an expert on physiology. But I have been reading a great deal on health issues associated with overweight and obesity. Here's some of what I've learned. First, overweight is a relative term. We don't really know what the ideal weight is for people. The charts we use, including the new BMI chart, are based on life expectancies of people at different heights and weights. But BMI doesn't measure fitness. Many atheletes in top physical condition have very high BMIs because they carry a lot of muscle mass.

Research doesn't show that being fat or having a high BMI causes health problems (or that being thinner cures them). Instead it shows a correlation. This is very important. It may be the same factor that causes health problems also causes the body to store more fat. Targeting weight as the problem is similar to targeting cold temperatures as the cause of colds. We now know that colds are more likely in the winter because more of us are indoors, coming into close contact with each other. We'd catch fewer colds if we stayed outside!

Instead of focusing on weight loss, it makes more sense to look at the factors that really have an impact on health. These include consistent exercise for strength, stamina and flexibility. And eating a variety of foods, including those with fiber, colorful fruits and vegetables, and foods with minimal processing. It may also be wise to eat organic foods when available and affordable. Research also shows that stress reduction has enormous health benefits. So instead of worrying about your weight, try yoga or tai-chi (where exercise meets stress reduction). For more information on reaching optimal health, you may want to look at Eating Well for Optimal Health by Andrew Weil, and Mega Yoga by Megan Garcia.

If you know you have a health condition or high risk for one, you may CHOOSE to modify your diet. This is very different from restricting foods to achieve thinness. I can't eat eggplant. I love eggplant, and I'm sad I can't have it. But I know that when I do, I get a terrible reaction. Your body may react badly to salt or sugar or peanuts or shellfish. Limiting or eliminating foods that make you sick is not deprivation. It's respecting and honoring your unique needs.

I encourage you to do your own reading and find your comfort zone around health. You are the best expert on you.

Stop Overeating and Binging by Legalizing Food

Using the non-diet approach to heal emotional eating means letting go of diet thinking and diet behavior. If you've decided to try this out, you already know that diets don't work. In fact, the physical process of dieting causes your metabolism to slow, so you actually gain weight more easily. And the mental process of dieting reinforces harmful and inaccurate beliefs like

  1. You can't be trusted to feed yourself
  2. You're out of control
  3. Or you're bad for wanting to feel good

By legalizing food, you give yourself the opportunity to know that you are not out of control. It was deprivation that made you think you were addicted to brownies (or chips or whatever).

At first, when you legalize food, you may find yourself eating a lot of foods that used to be forbidden or restricted. Over time, your mind and body see that these foods are not going away - that you are not just binging in preparation for the next diet. And then you get to relax. The food is not going to be taken away from you. EVER. So it's okay to wait until you're hungry to eat it. It's okay to wait until you really want it.

Over time, food loses the magical allure of the forbidden. And you discover that sometimes, you don't feel like a brownie. What you really want is a baked potato (or a chicken leg or whatever). When this happens, you may feel relieved, or sad or both. The relief comes from knowing that you can be trusted to feed yourself in ways that are nourishing and caring. You are not out of control.

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The sadness often comes from losing a ritual - waiting for the desire to build and the tension to rise, fighting with yourself over should-shouldn't, good-bad. And then giving in to the desire, maybe even hiding your eating. It's like a secret lover. When you legalize all food, your lover becomes "legal" like a husband or wife. You get to be loved in the morning with bad hair and bad breath. And in exchange for the comfort, you lose some of the passion. The trade off is well worth it.

I know what you're thinking - "but what about my cholesterol (blood sugar, blood pressure, etc.) I can't just eat ANYTHING!" But that's the next post.

Hunger and Fullness - finding your targets

Have you ever noticed that waiting too long to eat makes you overeat? This is fairly common. When we get super hungry, our blood sugar drops, hunger pangs can become painful, we may get a headache. We may even trigger anxiety - especially if there were times in the past when food was withheld or unavailable.

In response to the intense hunger and the anxiety, we eat voraciously when the food is finally available. We eat fast, trying to feel better as soon as possible. Often we don't realize we're full, because there can be a delay before the brain registers feelings of fullness. We zoom right past full into stuffed. Then we're just as uncomfortable as we were before. Now the discomfort is from being overly full.

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It can be very helpful to have a tool to measure your hunger and fullness. Imagine (or draw) a measuring stick with numbers from one to ten. Let One be "so hungry that you can't think straight." Two can be "very hungry." Three, "a little hungry." Four, "comfortable but you could eat a little." Five. "completely comfortable, not noticing any sensations of hunger or fullness." Six, "comfortable and satisfied." Seven, "comfortable, but a little full." Eight, "a little uncomfortable - a walk would help." Nine, "so full, must undo top button." Ten, "passed out after Thanksgiving full."

With this measuring stick to help, you can decide what level of hunger and fullness work best for you. I know if I let my hunger go below a two, I'm going to be cranky and light headed and probably overeat. I also know that I like to eat to a five when I'm active and a six when I can relax.

What's amazing is that I've learned I don't like to be too full! Even at Thanksgiving! It helps to know that all food is legal, and when I'm hungry again, I'll be able to eat what ever I want. But that's the next post.