Befriending Your Inner Critic

So much has been written about the inner critic - that voice in your head that says you aren't good enough. Cognitive therapists use the term, "shame busting," to describe how they approach the inner critic. And many of the other psychological theories advocate some variation on this same theme - silence the inner critic, tame the gremlin, etc.

But most of my clients, like me, have inner critics that do not want to be killed off. Many therapists would call this "resistance," or some kind of self-sabotaging impulse. I disagree.

As an adult attachment therapist (I look at how early attachment in our families shapes our self-image and world-view), I learned that my inner critic developed to keep me in alignment with the values and needs of my family, peers, and teachers at a time when I was too little to survive in the world alone. Being so young, I could not know that many of the values and needs I was trying to conform to were unhealthy. They arose out of the insecurities of those around me, and they created insecurity inside of me.

I have written here about my dad and his abuse history, but my mom's insecurities were far more damaging. She is a classical narcissist, whose primary objective is to procure admiration from others. When I reflected well upon her, I was treated kindly, even celebrated. If I needed her (especially if I needed something she was not good at providing), I was ignored or rejected. I was constantly compared unfavorably to my sisters, cousins, even strangers. I spent a lot of my childhood depressed, but didn't know it. Depression was my normal. I turned to food for soothing, even though the price was more disapproval and rejection from mom, who needed thin daughters that people would admire.

As I began to understand this dynamic through my adult eyes, so did my inner critic. As soon as I stopped trying to kill her off (my inner critic, not my mother), she became my ally and took on a new job. Instead of keeping me in line with people who are not healthy for me, her job is to let me know when things don't feel right. Instead of yelling at me to conform or be "good enough," her job is to remind me that my life is for me, not others. I am no longer tiny and vulnerable. I can say "no" or walk away from anything that is depleting, diminishing, harmful - or even vaguely not-quite-right.

When I was little, I had no choice about who surrounded me. Today, I actively choose friends, clients, colleagues, and extended family who are healthy, safe, and loving. My inner critic is AWESOME at detecting narcissists, psychopaths, and other icky folk and sounding the alarm so I steer clear of them. I LOVE her in this role.

She also keeps me company now when I am alone. She knows this was the lynchpin for me - the thing that kept me stuck in one-sided relationships far too long. Now, instead of buying into the notion that my aloneness was my own fault, she reminds me that there are lots of people in the world who are compassionate and caring, who love and accept me as I am, warts and all. She also reminds me that she is with me now in the best of ways. I will always have her loving, supportive presence within. And that inner safety and sweetness is more than good enough.

Self Acceptance, Revisited

I've said it before, but it never stops being true. Until you are safe in your own skin, you can't be safe anywhere.

Emotional eating goes hand in hand with self-judgment. You tell yourself you shouldn't be hungry (I just ate an hour ago, how could I be hungry again?). You tell yourself you shouldn't want cake (Why can't I just be satisfied with a salad?). You tell yourself you should be thinner (I look awful... I'm so fat... My cellulite is so bad, people can ski the moguls of my thighs).

When your inner critic judges you, you are left with shame, and a self divided. One part of you is harsh, critical, and unloving. The other feels judged, punished, and unlovable.

Common wisdom says, change the parts you don't like so you can love yourself. If you operate under this belief, you may already be realizing something very important. It doesn't work. No one has ever hated or judged themselves into happiness.

When you're hating yourself, hating your body, the only way out is to explore and heal the shame.

For most of us, shame is circular. Initially, we may have been judged by someone else - classmates, a critical parent, a spouse or lover. The judgment was never questioned, never confronted. Boundaries were never set (It's not okay for anyone to criticize your looks. Ever).

You believed that you had a problem. It was your fault, and yours to fix. You believed that the only way to ensure you were safe from judgment was to fix the problem. Then you set about criticizing yourself in order to motivate change.

But there is another part of you, the one being judged, who knows that what she really wants is not thinness. It's love. She knows that love based on her looks is not really love at all. She knows that for love to be real and lasting and always safe, it has to be unconditional. She needs to be loved at any size, at any weight, no matter what.

So whenever your inner critic puts you on a diet or tells you no more carbs, the other part of you says, Oh yeah? I'm eating whatever I want, and you can't stop me! Usually this part doesn't have much of a voice. Instead, you just find yourself standing in the kitchen eating frozen cheesecake out of a box, wondering, Why am I eating this?

Transforming the inner critic
Instead of trying to change your body, what would it be like to change your inner critic? What if you spent time looking in the mirror each day, practicing just being with yourself in a non-judgmental way?

Most of the time, when I recommend mirror work to clients (which is done... naked), what comes up is fear. They don't want to see themselves. They don't want to feel the harshness of the inner critic coming down on them, confirming their worst fear - that they are hideous and unlovable. But those that do the work find something very different begins to happen. When they practice just being with themselves, noticing themselves, describing themselves without judgment, the inner critic starts to get quieter.

In time, a new voice emerges - the voice of self-love. When you can look at your whole self with care, with kindness, with sweetness, you become a safe person to live with. You become a great roommate. And the safety and care you create within then becomes all the protection you need in the world. When you are in loving relationship with yourself, you can be in loving relationship with the world.