What to Do When the Difficult Person is a Narcissist or a Sociopath

Last month, I wrote about dealing with difficult people. Several of you wrote back or spoke to me off-line asking, "What if this person is really disturbed?"

Unfortunately about 4 to 8% of our fellow human beings have a serious personality disorder like narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder (also known as psychopaths or sociopaths). When you have to deal with someone who has severe narcissism or antisocial personality disorder you will feel off-balance, anxious, and vaguely (or not so vaguely) threatened. It's not a fun experience.

Lucius Malfoy exemplifies a severe narcissist.
His primary aim is to feel better than others.

Severe Narcissism 

Both narcissists and psychopaths are controlling and manipulative. The narcissist seeks control in order to gain a steady supply of admiration. They need constant validation and support of their grandiose sense of self in order to defend against debilitating shame. Usually they begin by seducing others with charm and flattery. They may seem to understand you deeply. But this is not real. They have no felt sense of empathy.

Inevitably, you will fail them, because everyone does (their need is impossible to fill). Then their manipulation may turn to rage or withdrawal. Some narcissists can become vengeful, trying to turn others against you and moving into a position of grandiose victimhood. The narcissist wants others to see him or her as the best at everything, including being the most unjustly treated when in conflict.

Before he was Voldemort, Tom Riddle, the poster child
for anti-social personality disorder, was already
using people to gain power.

Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD) 

The person with ASPD (also called psychopaths or sociopaths) wants control in order to feel powerful. Like narcissists, they begin relationships pouring on the charm and flattery. A sociopath can make you feel like you are part of a select and special group. They can make you feel special and important in ways that no one else ever has. They are also great at faking empathy. They are natural actors, and they study human behavior in order to manipulate others effectively and efficiently.

Often sociopaths are cult leaders, church leaders, and CEOs. Sociopaths are usually greedy, because money can be used to control or exert power over others. Psychopaths (at the more criminal or dangerous end of the antisocial spectrum) may use violence to control others. The more "high functioning" sociopaths will use vague threats as well as promises of great rewards that usually never materialize or those rewards come with a price tag - usually the feeling that you are betraying yourself.

Both narcissists and people with ASPD will leave you in a state of repetitive, anxious thinking known as rumination. Your thoughts will generally circle around to fantasies in which you teach the other person a lesson. This comes out of feelings of powerlessness and a normal, human a desire to be treated with respect and dignity. It is fueled by an underlying belief that if the other person could just "get it" they would change their ways. Letting go of this belief is the key to YOUR freedom and healing.

It is essential to know that people with these personality disorders almost never change. If they do, it is only with intensive, long-terms psychotherapy and usually only after a devastating experience in which their strategies for maintaining admiration or power completely fail.

Your Best Options 

Your best course of action is to have as little contact with a narcissist or psychopath as possible. Your energy will be far better spent doing other things. If possible, you may choose to cut off relationships with these people entirely. Technology can be a wonderful friend in this endeavor. Calls can be blocked. Emails can be deleted automatically so you never know that they were sent.

If you must interact with a narcissist or a sociopath, your best strategy is to become boring to them. Like cats playing with mice, they will lose interest when you stop being fun - which means when you stop being a source of admiration or wounding for the narcissist or stop being someone that the sociopath can use to feel powerful or gain money or other resources from.

Safety First 

Dealing with a sociopath or psychopath alone can be dangerous. They have no empathy and can't be reasoned with. Your safety is paramount. If these strategies don't work and you feel threatened, don't hesitate to get outside support from understanding friends, neighbors, coworkers, or if necessary, legal support from an attorney or the police.

If you grew up with a parent, sibling, or other influential person who had narcissistic or psychopathic tendencies, you may be more vulnerable to the seductions of these people. If this is true for you, then therapy to heal your own feelings of powerlessness and "not good enough-ness" will be invaluable in helping you to let go of these toxic relationships.