A Little Poem

Before I was a therapist, I was a writer. In my twenties, I wrote a lot of poetry. As I approach fifty, I find myself returning to that form. Here is one I think fits the mission of this blog…

I traveled to the future,

and found you there.

We had lunch, turkey sandwiches

with delicious Swiss cheese.

And you said to me, waving

half a sandwich in the air for emphasis,

“Tell myself, when you get back,

that everything turns out fine.

Tell me not to worry so much, or,” you said,

swallowing a sip of iced tea,

“Not to worry at all, ever.

And to be kind to myself,

especially when naked.

This,” you said, making a circle with your finger,

indicating the whole of your body,

“will not get younger, stronger, or better looking

through self-contempt. Smile into the mirror,”

you told me to tell you.

“Oh,” you said, finishing the last bite of turkey,

sipping the last sip of tea,

“and tell me to take care of my knees.”

J. Levin 5/14

Works for Me

If you're an emotional eater, you may turn to food to stuff down some very important words - words that need saying, but feel scary or wrong to say. Words like "No" and "I don't want to."

One of the most important communication skills I've ever learned comes from my beloved mentor and therapist, Robyn Posin. From Robyn I learned these magic words:

"It just doesn't work for me."

This is all the reason any of us needs to say "no" or set a boundary.  What I love about this phrase is that it eliminates the good-bad, right-wrong, win-lose nature of many boundary setting conversations. It makes it okay for people to ask for what they need, and it makes it okay to say or be told "no." This fundamental okay-ness, creates safety. No one get's judged, criticized, or otherwise bashed. It also eliminates resentment. No one says yes out of fear of negative consequences.

This is not to say that it's always easy to use this skill. There are those who will never be able to hear "no" in any form and take it well. Again, the good news is that if they can't even handle hearing "no," then there is no point in trying to convince or explain. You can save your breath and your energy and walk away.

Many of us feel afraid to set such clear and clean boundaries. We fear losing the people in our lives or hurting them. If you lose someone for honoring your true needs, your life may be better without them. If someone is hurt by your honesty, especially when phrased in a non-critical, non-shaming way, then they were already hurting before you got there. It's their job to heal whatever is injured in them, not yours.