Befriending Your Inner Critic

So much has been written about the inner critic - that voice in your head that says you aren't good enough. Cognitive therapists use the term, "shame busting," to describe how they approach the inner critic. And many of the other psychological theories advocate some variation on this same theme - silence the inner critic, tame the gremlin, etc.

But most of my clients, like me, have inner critics that do not want to be killed off. Many therapists would call this "resistance," or some kind of self-sabotaging impulse. I disagree.

As an adult attachment therapist (I look at how early attachment in our families shapes our self-image and world-view), I learned that my inner critic developed to keep me in alignment with the values and needs of my family, peers, and teachers at a time when I was too little to survive in the world alone. Being so young, I could not know that many of the values and needs I was trying to conform to were unhealthy. They arose out of the insecurities of those around me, and they created insecurity inside of me.

I have written here about my dad and his abuse history, but my mom's insecurities were far more damaging. She is a classical narcissist, whose primary objective is to procure admiration from others. When I reflected well upon her, I was treated kindly, even celebrated. If I needed her (especially if I needed something she was not good at providing), I was ignored or rejected. I was constantly compared unfavorably to my sisters, cousins, even strangers. I spent a lot of my childhood depressed, but didn't know it. Depression was my normal. I turned to food for soothing, even though the price was more disapproval and rejection from mom, who needed thin daughters that people would admire.

As I began to understand this dynamic through my adult eyes, so did my inner critic. As soon as I stopped trying to kill her off (my inner critic, not my mother), she became my ally and took on a new job. Instead of keeping me in line with people who are not healthy for me, her job is to let me know when things don't feel right. Instead of yelling at me to conform or be "good enough," her job is to remind me that my life is for me, not others. I am no longer tiny and vulnerable. I can say "no" or walk away from anything that is depleting, diminishing, harmful - or even vaguely not-quite-right.

When I was little, I had no choice about who surrounded me. Today, I actively choose friends, clients, colleagues, and extended family who are healthy, safe, and loving. My inner critic is AWESOME at detecting narcissists, psychopaths, and other icky folk and sounding the alarm so I steer clear of them. I LOVE her in this role.

She also keeps me company now when I am alone. She knows this was the lynchpin for me - the thing that kept me stuck in one-sided relationships far too long. Now, instead of buying into the notion that my aloneness was my own fault, she reminds me that there are lots of people in the world who are compassionate and caring, who love and accept me as I am, warts and all. She also reminds me that she is with me now in the best of ways. I will always have her loving, supportive presence within. And that inner safety and sweetness is more than good enough.

The End of the World, and Dinner

On December 21st, there was an event called, “The End of the World, and Dinner.” The tongue-in-cheek wording of the invitation made me smile. On Facebook, someone shared a weather report from that week, in which the doomsday forecast showed fiery chunks of brimstone pelting the earth, predicted temperature: 1200 degrees. Hysterical.

In the same week, my beloved Honda died at the age of 15. As a therapist, the irony was not lost on me – the car blew a gasket. How perfect. And how perfect that I had saved just the right amount of money in my emergency fund to buy a new car.

Of course, as soon as I paid for the car, we had another emergency. My husband’s car had a crumpled strut (sounds like a pastry, doesn’t it?). Despite my ability to laugh at the end of the world just a few days before, feelings of fear and stress began to surge when I learned how much the repairs would cost. I looked around for someone or something to blame – and because I was looking, I found it.

I began to question my decision to replace my old Honda, rather than repair it (blaming myself). I thought mean thoughts about my husband’s car maintenance habits (blaming him). I wondered if I negotiated hard enough for the new car (self blame again). I faulted both of us for over-spending and not being good savers (two in one!). I felt a weight pressing in on my chest. The most important relationships in my life – the one with my husband and the one with myself – were under attack. By ME.

This is how the world “ends” for most of us on a regular basis. We get stuck in a pattern of fear, anger, shame and blame. Either we turn on ourselves or we turn on the people closest to us (or both). Sometimes we even turn on unsuspecting strangers. I was fortunate to see pretty quickly what was happening – that I was creating a catastrophe where there really wasn’t one.

My inner seven year old likes having the emergency fund fully funded. And she gets very scared when we use it for – you know – emergencies. But I saw what she was up to, and I sat with her while she ranted and railed. I didn’t try talking her out of her pain. I know that doesn’t work. I validated how scared she was, how hard it was to trust that all would be well.

Because I’ve had great therapy, I know that when my inner seven year old is triggered my job is to hold her tight till she can see straight again. I can give her what my parents could not: my own loving and accepting presence. And when she has that, everything gets easier. She calms down faster. She feels safer. She knows that she can tantrum and stomp and hate how stupid the whole world is, and she will still be loved and held. Ahhh.

After the world ends, we have dinner. All is well.

May you all feel your own loving arms around you whenever you need comfort or care in the coming year.

Inspirations for Self-Care in the New Year

Don't place your mistakes on your head, their weight may crush you. Instead, place them under your feet and use them as a platform to view your horizons.

- Unknown

And there was a new voice

Which you slowly recognized as your own,

That kept you company

As you strode deeper and deeper

into the world, determined to do

the only thing you could do –

determined to save

the only life you could save

- Mary Oliver

Too many people undervalue what they are and overvalue what they’re not.

- Unknown

The person in life that you will always be with the most, is yourself... What kind of person do you want to walk down the street with? What kind of person do you want to wake up in the morning with? What kind of person do you want to see at the end of the day before you fall asleep? Because that person is yourself, and it's your responsibility to be that person you want to be with.
― C. JoyBell C.

When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn't healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits - anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.
― Kim McMillen

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
― Siddhārtha Gautama

No amount of self-improvement can make up for any lack of self-acceptance.
― Robert Holden

For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
- Steve Jobs

Buy or borrow self-improvement books, but don't read them. Stack them around your bedroom and use them as places to rest bowls of cookies. Watch exercise shows on television, but don't do the exercises. Practice believing that the benefit lies in imagining yourself doing the exercises. Don't power walk. Saunter slowly in the sun, eating chocolate, and carry a blanket so you can take a nap.
― SARK