Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Eating is not a Moral Issue

How often have you heard someone (maybe yourself) say, "I was so bad today, I ate a bag of cookies." Or conversely, "I've been good all day, I only had 1200 calories."

When we make food about goodness or badness, we take away our power to really know and understand our RELATIONSHIP with food, our bodies, and ultimately ourselves.

When we are "good," we give ourselves approval, possibly rewards, and perhaps, unconsciously allow ourselves to bathe in the invisible approval of a parent or other authority figure. When we are "bad" we shame and blame ourselves, punish ourselves, and bathe in imagined rejection or disapproval.

This whole process - whether "good" or "bad" really serves to distance us from the important question... Am I hungry?

If you are hungry, but not eating (or not eating enough) in order to be "good," then you are abandoning yourself - punishing yourself for past eating or potential future eating.

If you are not hungry, but are eating, then maybe you're not just being "bad." Maybe you are feeling empty, hungry for love, sleep, time, freedom...

When you make food a moral issue, you never allow yourself to get to the heart of the problem. Instead you get consumed with feelings of shame or avoidance of shame.

So for a day (longer if you like), try legalizing food. Eat when you're hungry. Eat what you're craving. And if you eat more than your body is hungry for, use that experience as an opportunity to be CURIOUS rather than ashamed. "I wonder what I'm really hungry for," will open you up to a kinder, more nurturing relationship with yourself. And if you're hungry for more kindness and nurturing, then this process may lessen the times when you eat to fill emotional emptiness!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Taking Ourselves Lightly

My last post is, yes, silly, but I really think we have a lot to learn about being happy, following our hearts, living in the moment, and accepting ourselves - from our animal friends.

On my own journey from emotional eating, I started out with a belief that my happiness was wrapped up in my looks. If I met the cultural criteria: thin, young, sexy, I could feel good about myself.

But there was always a catch. Either I wasn't thin enough, or I was thin enough, but knew I couldn't sustain myself on a diet for too much longer. And soon enough, youth would be gone.

Allowing myself to judge and be judged by these criteria meant my happiness and freedom had to endlessly be earned. In the movie biz, they say, "you're only as good as you're last picture." In the diet biz, you're only as good as you're last weigh-in.

Living this way is crazy. And what is it we're actually earning? What I discovered, was that I didn't really like having friends and lovers who would judge me based on my appearance. It was like having an anvil hanging over my head, held in place by a very thin thread.

When I realized it was not my weight that was causing my insecurity (which was there whether I was thin or fat), but my own self-judgment, that's when my life finally began to change.

While it's not easy to shift the painful, negative thoughts and emotions that come with self-judgment, it is possible (and preferential to living under the anvil!).

So take a lesson from your favorite 4-legged friend. You really are lovable, just as you are this minute. You are good enough. You don't have to earn friendship, affection, kindness or respect. You just have to start giving these things to yourself, unconditionally and in abundance. As your self-treatment changes, you will teach others, by example, how to treat you. Those who are too entrenched in their own judgment will fall away. It's okay to let them go. You deserve better.

The Feline Diet

My cats have no problem with their bodies. They display them shamelessly, give themselves endless tongue baths, and when they want affection, nudge themselves right under my laptop, book, etc., and assume (rightfully) that it is now "their turn."

My cats also have no problem with food. Despite the lack of opposable thumbs, they eat whenever they want, whatever they want. They don't worry about empty calories or getting enough vegetables. They are not ashamed to play with their food - especially if it's still moving.

After many years of careful observation, I have noticed that my cats do follow some rules about eating and exercise. Since my cats have the best self esteem of anyone I know, I think maybe we could benefit from their diet. So here it is:

  1. Never eat anything unless you're in the mood for it. Unless you happen to be really, really hungry. Then eat the smallest amount that will get you through till something better is served.
  2. Eat the exact same thing for 3 - 5 days. Then don't eat it again for 3 - 5 weeks (if ever).
  3. Play with your food.
  4. As soon as you smell chicken, stop what you're doing and sing an opera aria until you get a bite.
  5. As soon as you smell fish, be really nice to the person making it until they give you some. Then, ignore them as before.
  6. Eat chicken skin. It's the best part. If there's any more, have more. Feel free to lick the plate unashamedly.
  7. Take a long sponge bath after every meal or snack.
  8. Take a long nap after every sponge bath.

Exercise:
  1. Sprint for 30 seconds after you poop.
  2. Stretch whenever you shift from one activity to another.
  3. Stretch or take an immediate sponge bath whenever you do something embarrassing.
  4. Stretch whenever you've been napping for more than 30 minutes (then nap some more).
  5. Jump off impossibly high things. If it's the middle of the night, jump onto something terribly loud and crashy.
  6. Jump onto incredibly high things. If you miss, see step 3.
  7. Knead things.
  8. Chase invisible beings.
  9. Crouch low to the ground and stalk prey.
  10. Pounce when you find something good. If in mid pounce you discover you were mistaken, become completely dorky for about ten seconds and do a Jerry Lewis imitation. Then go back to step 3.
  11. When you find a sunny spot, position yourself square in the middle of it and roll around on your back. Then nap till the sun moves.
  12. Feel free to nap between (or in the middle of) any exercise.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

The Disease of Dieting

When I lose the weight, then I'll...

If I exercise 45 minutes a day, 5 days a week, I'll burn an extra...

I can eat 3 ounces of chicken, 1/2 an apple, and 1 cup of skim...

In 16 weeks I should be a size...

Are these the kinds of thoughts rolling around your head? If they are then you've got diet-itis. Diet-itis is a severely under-diagnosed disease marked by compulsive counting and planning for when you get thinner.

This disease goes undiagnosed because in our culture, thinness is seen as a desireable goal - one to attain at almost any cost.

What are the costs of diet-itis?

  • The primary cost is terrible anxiety. All of the counting and planning is really a way to distract themselves from the fear of gaining weight and all that that fear symbolizes (rejection, abandonment, judgment...).
  • Another cost is loss of time. People spend so much time counting, weighing, measuring, planning, fantasizing, and comparing, that they don't ever get to live in the moment.
  • Along with the loss of time, is the loss of living fully. Since permission to live fully is contingent on being a certain weight or size, pleasure, fun, relationships, careers and all kinds of experiences are off limits for people with this disease.
  • In the most severe cases, people develop eating disorders, anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder - in which the feelings of shame, chaos and anxiety turn into eating behaviors of severe control or loss of control.


If you (or someone you love) has diet-itis, be kind, gentle and patient. Remember that under the compulsion to restrict food or burn calories lies the fear of being judged and rejected.

While it seems like the way out is to comply with social values and lose weight, this only compounds the problem. Instead, the way out is to develop an unconditionally accepting "inner ally." A part of the self that NEVER judges or rejects, but provides compassion and kindness for the pain, fear and shame.

For help developing this inner ally, therapy and hypnosis are invaluable. Another amazing resource are the Rememberings and Celebrations cards offered by Robyn Posin at www.forthelittleonesinside.com.