Disarming Difficult People

They are everywhere. People who refuse to listen. People who are manipulative. People who are easy to anger and slow to forgive. But if you have one at work - or worse, in your family - they can become the bane of your existence.

The thing to remember is that difficult people are stuck, often lonely, and usually, under the armor, feeling powerless.

Did your head just tilt to the side in confusion? Yes, the people who frighten you the most are the ones who feel powerless. I call it helpless rage. They lose control. They push others away. They know that even if they get compliance, they are not getting cooperation or genuine relationship.

But let's talk about YOU for a minute. Is it scary to confront a difficult person? Do you avoid saying or doing certain things with them? Are you walking on eggshells? Do you fume after they, once again, steamroll over you?

For most of us, the fear of anger or angry people is combination of biology and experience.

Biology:
Our bodies evolved to recognize a predator and run. And angry people can seem predatory. Though, in the wild, a predator rarely comes in growling or snarling. True predators sneak up on prey. Angry, snarling behavior is the behavior of an animal who feels threatened (powerless!).

Experience:
Many of us grew up with someone who was angry and scary. As kids, we were helpless to protect ourselves. And if the other adults were also afraid, they couldn't model for us what to do to feel safe. We may have decided that anger is bad or dangerous. We may repress our own anger so that we don't become the frightening adult we witnessed and feared.

So how do you disarm a difficult person - especially if you feel scared?

Having a plan and sticking to the plan is key. In the beginning, your fight-flight response will want to kick in and either attack, defend or run. Your plan will help you override these impulses. Later, as you have success disarming difficult people, your fight-flight reactions will calm down. Seeing that you have the skill and ability to 1) keep yourself safe and 2) calm the other person, will reinforce what you're learning.

So, here's the plan:

1. Stick to the plan. Don't take the bait. Have what you want to say rehearsed, memorized, or written down so that your own anger or fear-induced brain-fog does not take over.
2. Listen to the angry person's words and do your best to repeat them back accurately. For example: "You're saying that I should have sent this out last week. Am I hearing that right?" The person will agree or correct you. If they correct you, say the new words. "Oh, so you wanted me to send it within 24 hours of the request. Is that right?" Often this will feel like mincing words. No worries, keep refining till they tell you you got it right. The key here is to remain calm and keep letting go of any desire to defend or explain. You don't have to agree with the person. You are just checking to make sure you heard them correctly. As you do this, they should begin to feel more understood, which is what they really want.
3. Empathize. "It sounds like this is really important to you." Or "Wow, I really pissed you off!" No sarcasm or defensiveness can come through. You have to be offering true compassion for this to work. Remember, you are not agreeing that you're a jerk (even if this is what they are saying). You are understanding that they are intensely frustrated, and from their perspective you are the source of their irritation.
4. Ask for more. "Is there anything else I'm doing that's not working for you?" Give them space to vent. Use steps 2 and 3 when they offer up their laundry list.
5. Thank them. "I really appreciate you taking the time to let me know how I can help you better." Again, you are not agreeing. You are just appreciating that they explained what is making them so frustrated. You may decide to alter your behavior or not. That's secondary. 

The key to making this work is your own emotional reactions. If you take the other person's beliefs about you personally, it probably won't work. We take things personally when we already buy into some or all of what they are saying. I call this emotional Velcro. We all need to remove our Velcro by examining our self-talk, our embarrassment, our shame. When we can sit comfortably in our own imperfect skin and not judge ourselves, the judgement of others won't matter. In my next post, I'll talk more about removing the Velcro.

The End of the World, and Dinner

On December 21st, there was an event called, “The End of the World, and Dinner.” The tongue-in-cheek wording of the invitation made me smile. On Facebook, someone shared a weather report from that week, in which the doomsday forecast showed fiery chunks of brimstone pelting the earth, predicted temperature: 1200 degrees. Hysterical.

In the same week, my beloved Honda died at the age of 15. As a therapist, the irony was not lost on me – the car blew a gasket. How perfect. And how perfect that I had saved just the right amount of money in my emergency fund to buy a new car.

Of course, as soon as I paid for the car, we had another emergency. My husband’s car had a crumpled strut (sounds like a pastry, doesn’t it?). Despite my ability to laugh at the end of the world just a few days before, feelings of fear and stress began to surge when I learned how much the repairs would cost. I looked around for someone or something to blame – and because I was looking, I found it.

I began to question my decision to replace my old Honda, rather than repair it (blaming myself). I thought mean thoughts about my husband’s car maintenance habits (blaming him). I wondered if I negotiated hard enough for the new car (self blame again). I faulted both of us for over-spending and not being good savers (two in one!). I felt a weight pressing in on my chest. The most important relationships in my life – the one with my husband and the one with myself – were under attack. By ME.

This is how the world “ends” for most of us on a regular basis. We get stuck in a pattern of fear, anger, shame and blame. Either we turn on ourselves or we turn on the people closest to us (or both). Sometimes we even turn on unsuspecting strangers. I was fortunate to see pretty quickly what was happening – that I was creating a catastrophe where there really wasn’t one.

My inner seven year old likes having the emergency fund fully funded. And she gets very scared when we use it for – you know – emergencies. But I saw what she was up to, and I sat with her while she ranted and railed. I didn’t try talking her out of her pain. I know that doesn’t work. I validated how scared she was, how hard it was to trust that all would be well.

Because I’ve had great therapy, I know that when my inner seven year old is triggered my job is to hold her tight till she can see straight again. I can give her what my parents could not: my own loving and accepting presence. And when she has that, everything gets easier. She calms down faster. She feels safer. She knows that she can tantrum and stomp and hate how stupid the whole world is, and she will still be loved and held. Ahhh.

After the world ends, we have dinner. All is well.

May you all feel your own loving arms around you whenever you need comfort or care in the coming year.

Inspirations for Self-Care in the New Year

Don't place your mistakes on your head, their weight may crush you. Instead, place them under your feet and use them as a platform to view your horizons.

- Unknown

And there was a new voice

Which you slowly recognized as your own,

That kept you company

As you strode deeper and deeper

into the world, determined to do

the only thing you could do –

determined to save

the only life you could save

- Mary Oliver

Too many people undervalue what they are and overvalue what they’re not.

- Unknown

The person in life that you will always be with the most, is yourself... What kind of person do you want to walk down the street with? What kind of person do you want to wake up in the morning with? What kind of person do you want to see at the end of the day before you fall asleep? Because that person is yourself, and it's your responsibility to be that person you want to be with.
― C. JoyBell C.

When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn't healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits - anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.
― Kim McMillen

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
― Siddhārtha Gautama

No amount of self-improvement can make up for any lack of self-acceptance.
― Robert Holden

For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
- Steve Jobs

Buy or borrow self-improvement books, but don't read them. Stack them around your bedroom and use them as places to rest bowls of cookies. Watch exercise shows on television, but don't do the exercises. Practice believing that the benefit lies in imagining yourself doing the exercises. Don't power walk. Saunter slowly in the sun, eating chocolate, and carry a blanket so you can take a nap.
― SARK