Who is Your Body FOR? (a little saturday morning rant)

Guess what? Your body is for you. Your life is for you too. If the word, "selfish" is flashing in your mind? Brush it away. Don't let it distract you from what I'm about to say.

My friend and fellow therapist, Valerie Torres, posted this article on Facebook today:

Waxing: Damned if you Do an Damned if you Don't: How Pubic Hair Became Political

Which then launched us into a conversation about how sad it is that teenagers are still being indoctrinated into self-mutilation in one form or another to conform to an artificial standard of beauty that is neither healthy nor in their best interest.

This is true of a host of culturally encouraged behaviors from crazy diets, to walking in torturous shoes, to plastic surgery, to hair removal (which often results in cuts, ingrown hairs, and weirdly unattractive 5pm shadow - akin to plucked chicken skin). Pain is not sexy. Neither are sexual partners that objectify us or our body parts.

What I find most painful about this ongoing historical and multi-cultural phenomenon is how sad it is that anyone has to choose between feeling valued, wanted, included, etc. and feeling like who they are is just fine without one iota of alteration.

When one person is deemed "less than" based on appearance, taste, beliefs, choices, etc., we all suffer. We could be next. And the mammalian drive to be part of a pair, a family, a group is powerful. It's evolved over millions of years to ensure our safety. So we will betray ourselves to be part of the larger social structure - especially to be sexy, and pass our genes down to the next generation.

Yet, changing your appearance (or really anything about you) to please other people is a betrayal of your very own self. Do you really want to live inside the body of someone who will sell you out to fit in? It's a crazy making thing. I'm sure there's a German word to describe the dilemma. If anyone knows what it is, please post it in the comments.

Our only recourse is to commit to each others' safety by practicing acceptance and teaching acceptance. Don't get all hyperbolic and ask if this means we have to accept axe murderers. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying we all need to be loved and accepted, hairy or smooth, tall or short, fat or thin.

Your body is for YOU. Your life is for YOU. If the people in your circles need you to be different from who you are, please find new people.

Is it Atypical Depression?

Most people lose their appetites when they get depressed. Not so with Atypical Depression. Here, the symptoms are:

• Feelings of sadness, emptiness or feeling tearful
  
• Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
  
• Increased appetite
  
• Unintentional weight gain
  
• Increased desire to sleep
  
• Heavy, leaden feeling in the arms and legs
  
• Sensitivity to rejection or criticism that interferes with your social life or job
  
• Fear of rejection that leads to avoiding relationships
  
• Having depression that temporarily lifts with good news or positive events but returns later

I think that many people who use food to soothe their emotions may have Atypical Depression. This is good news in a way. When you know what's going on, the path toward healing becomes clearer and easier to follow.

There are probably many causes for Atypical Depression, from brain chemistry to complicated grief to being deprived of a certain kind of soothing or bonding in childhood.

Changing your chemistry may involve changing your diet, trying medication or natural anti-depressants, and structuring your life so that you build in positive, mood-lifting situations.

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Since Atypical Depression often lifts with positive events, it may be useful to seek therapy with someone who understands and practices some form of positive psychology - someone who will celebrate your strengths and achievements with you, as well as understand and accept the times you feel stuck or sad or irritable.

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Finding a group of people who share an interest - hiking, cooking, knitting, etc., and who are easy-going, non-judgmental and fun is a great way to boost your mood. If you feel shy at first, try asking a friend to go with you the first few times, to help ease you in and break the ice.

For medication and dietary advice, it's best to talk with your doctor or a nutritionist, always keeping a close eye on your physical and emotional responses to medication or dietary changes. Your body knows and will tell you what's right for you when you listen closely.

Pressure to be Thin

A couple of years ago, a radio commercial for some diet product announced, "No one wants to be fat!" We take this statement for granted in our culture. In fact, it may be an understatement. We are conditioned to fear fat, to feel disgusted by fat in our food and on our bodies. We come up with all kinds of judgments about fat people, assuming that if someone is fat, she must be lazy or weak. He must lack willpower or just not care about himself.

When I ask my students and clients why they want to be thin, the answer always boils down to this: They don't want to be judged or treated badly based on their size, weight or shape. If you read my last post on anxiety, you can see how the fear of judgment can actually lead to compulsive eating! We want to feel "good enough." If we feel fat (not good enough) we get anxious. Needing to soothe that anxiety, we eat.

It makes sense that we are meant to come in all different shapes in sizes. In nature, that's the way it works! What doesn't make sense is assigning a value to one size or shape over another. We all deserve to feel attractive, worthwhile, secure, and loveable regardless of our size or weight. It helps to look at the prejudice against fat through the same lens as any other prejudice. We know that it's not okay to judge or discriminate against women, people of color, or people in wheelchairs. We need help to realize that it's also not okay to judge or discriminate against people of different sizes.

We need this help because we are conditioned by the culture we live in. We internalize the messages we hear repeated over and over again. And the message we keep hearing is, "No one wants to be fat." I invite you to repeat a new message to yourself: "People are meant to come in all shapes and sizes."

Catch yourself when you have a judgmental thought about your body or someone else's. Question the judgment.

• Where is it really coming from?
• Is it just conditioning?
• Is it fear?
• What would you rather think?

Resources:

http://www.bodypositive.com/