Who is Your Body FOR? (a little saturday morning rant)

Guess what? Your body is for you. Your life is for you too. If the word, "selfish" is flashing in your mind? Brush it away. Don't let it distract you from what I'm about to say.

My friend and fellow therapist, Valerie Torres, posted this article on Facebook today:

Waxing: Damned if you Do an Damned if you Don't: How Pubic Hair Became Political

Which then launched us into a conversation about how sad it is that teenagers are still being indoctrinated into self-mutilation in one form or another to conform to an artificial standard of beauty that is neither healthy nor in their best interest.

This is true of a host of culturally encouraged behaviors from crazy diets, to walking in torturous shoes, to plastic surgery, to hair removal (which often results in cuts, ingrown hairs, and weirdly unattractive 5pm shadow - akin to plucked chicken skin). Pain is not sexy. Neither are sexual partners that objectify us or our body parts.

What I find most painful about this ongoing historical and multi-cultural phenomenon is how sad it is that anyone has to choose between feeling valued, wanted, included, etc. and feeling like who they are is just fine without one iota of alteration.

When one person is deemed "less than" based on appearance, taste, beliefs, choices, etc., we all suffer. We could be next. And the mammalian drive to be part of a pair, a family, a group is powerful. It's evolved over millions of years to ensure our safety. So we will betray ourselves to be part of the larger social structure - especially to be sexy, and pass our genes down to the next generation.

Yet, changing your appearance (or really anything about you) to please other people is a betrayal of your very own self. Do you really want to live inside the body of someone who will sell you out to fit in? It's a crazy making thing. I'm sure there's a German word to describe the dilemma. If anyone knows what it is, please post it in the comments.

Our only recourse is to commit to each others' safety by practicing acceptance and teaching acceptance. Don't get all hyperbolic and ask if this means we have to accept axe murderers. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying we all need to be loved and accepted, hairy or smooth, tall or short, fat or thin.

Your body is for YOU. Your life is for YOU. If the people in your circles need you to be different from who you are, please find new people.

Have you seen "How to Look Good Naked"?

When I first heard about this show, I felt a mixture of hope and trepidation. Would this really be a show about self acceptance? Or would it be an excuse to further shame women? Much to my relief, the first episode was kind and supportive.

As a therapist, I loved how the host, Carson, helped Layla see herself through the eyes of others - as a real, normal woman. So much of what we need to feel good about ourselves is a "reality check." And in a world where we park ourselves in front of a box of actresses and models who are abnormally thin, tucked, lifted and airbrushed, it's hard to know what normal (and beautiful) really is.

While the transformation from shame to self-acceptance happened way faster than I see in my clients, the process is the same. We need to transform our inner critic into an ally. One great way to do this is by confronting the distortions our inner critic holds about our bodies. We tend to see ourselves as less attractive than others see us. And for some reason, we convince ourselves that our distortions are correct - that others are just "being nice."

We live in a distorted culture - one that tells us we must have thin, smooth, muscled, long limbed bodies in order to be lovable and/or successful. This is completely false. We need love - unconditional, supportive, kind, respectful love. We need to know we are entitled to be our best selves no matter our size, shape, age, etc.

Thanks to Carson and to Lifetime for creating and airing this show. Now, let's see if they can ditch the diet commercials!!!