Cheesecake, Feelings, and Self Love

I had a client* recently tell me she ate a half bag of chips, a pack of girlscout cookies, and part of a still-frozen cheesecake without understanding why.

Then as our session progressed, she told me about taking her sister to the airport. My client had a back spasm from sitting at a computer for too long. Her sister called at 4pm, stating that she had forgotten to arrange a ride to the airport, and needed to be there by 6:30pm for an 8pm flight. My client dropped what she was doing, and drove to her sister's house. Her sister was not packed, and there was rush hour traffic. "I was more worried than she was," my client laughed.

"Can I slow you down?" I asked.
"I'm sorry," she apologized, "am I going too fast?"
"It's not that," I offered, "I'm just wondering if we can make space for your feelings?" She took a deep breath and sighed.
"That was a big sigh," I said.
"Yeah. I don't know what this is," she said, pointing to her throat.
"What are you noticing?" I asked.
"It's like a lump, like I swallowed something, and it's just sticking there."
"Stay with the lump. See if it can tell you what you swallowed." I encouraged.
"My pride," she said, tears starting to flow.

This was not the first time she had put her own needs aside for someone and ended up feeling used or lessened in some way. And this was not the first client to share a similar story - overeating without connecting the binge to an emotional upset.

Like so many of us, this client learned from a very early age that she was expected to be helpful, no matter the cost to herself. She had strong, painful memories of being called selfish by her mother and sister, if her needs conflicted with theirs. Her mother was unemotional. Her dad, while kind, was just not around all that much. When she needed care, support or understanding, she was usually criticized for being too needy.

The one place she felt soothed and safe was with food. Food filled up the empty space inside. It calmed her. It was her one haven, till she hit puberty and had a crush on a boy who called her fat. Then, her one safe form of self-care became completely unsafe. She still ate to soothe herself, but now, after a binge, she would yell at herself and criticize herself, even more harshly than her mother and sister did.

What I find hopeful and tender and heart-opening, is that this woman has never stopped trying to take care of herself in the best, and often only ways available to her. First with food, then with a great education she paid for on her own, and then with a high-paying job that allowed her to have therapy, as well as acupuncture and yoga for her back. As much as she was used to self-criticism and shame, there was always this thread of awareness (I need to feel better), that allowed her to keep reaching for more.


As this session progressed, we uncovered more feelings through her physical sensations:

"I feel a burning in my stomach, like heartburn, but lower." (her)
"What does the burning want to tell you?" (me)
"I'm angry. I'm really angry. My sister is so selfish." (her)

It's no mystery that these physical sensations often centered in her belly, her chest and her throat. All along our digestive tract are clusters of neurons that give us our "gut feelings." For emotional eaters, these feelings often get lumped into "hungry" or "empty" and food does a really good job of numbing us out. In therapy, we are just starting to sort out what is physical hunger and what is emotional pain, fear, anger, shame, hope, etc.

At the end of the session I asked her, "If you could have a do-over, what would you want to say or do?"

"I want to tell my sister that it's too bad she didn't make arrangements for herself, but I have to take care of my back, and I'm sure she'll find a way to get to the airport. She always gets what she wants."

"And as you say that out loud, what do you notice in your body or emotionally?" I ask.

"I feel lighter," she says, smiling. "I feel a fullness, a solidness." Her face is lit up. "I think I feel happy!" She says, laughing, surprised.

"And when you look in my eyes, what do you see?" I ask.

"You're happy too. You're happy for me."

"Yes. I'm really happy for you." We both tear up.

This progression from not knowing, to feeling something, to naming anger, and then finding her voice is nothing short of miraculous. Voicing feelings was a punishable offense in this client's family, and the punishment was either getting criticized (shamed) or ignored (devalued). It is going to be essential for this client to keep looking into my eyes and seeing my care for her, my continued presence, my desire to know all of her feelings, my joy in her joy, my compassion for her pain.

Spending time with her, and seeing again and again her commitment to her own happiness and well being tells me that we will convert her shame into compassion and that her urges to eat will become a beacon that tells her when she needs comfort and care. And I know she will show up for herself with kindness and love because those things are already in her.

*This client is an amalgam of many clients over time so that confidentiality is protected.

Pressure to be Thin

A couple of years ago, a radio commercial for some diet product announced, "No one wants to be fat!" We take this statement for granted in our culture. In fact, it may be an understatement. We are conditioned to fear fat, to feel disgusted by fat in our food and on our bodies. We come up with all kinds of judgments about fat people, assuming that if someone is fat, she must be lazy or weak. He must lack willpower or just not care about himself.

When I ask my students and clients why they want to be thin, the answer always boils down to this: They don't want to be judged or treated badly based on their size, weight or shape. If you read my last post on anxiety, you can see how the fear of judgment can actually lead to compulsive eating! We want to feel "good enough." If we feel fat (not good enough) we get anxious. Needing to soothe that anxiety, we eat.

It makes sense that we are meant to come in all different shapes in sizes. In nature, that's the way it works! What doesn't make sense is assigning a value to one size or shape over another. We all deserve to feel attractive, worthwhile, secure, and loveable regardless of our size or weight. It helps to look at the prejudice against fat through the same lens as any other prejudice. We know that it's not okay to judge or discriminate against women, people of color, or people in wheelchairs. We need help to realize that it's also not okay to judge or discriminate against people of different sizes.

We need this help because we are conditioned by the culture we live in. We internalize the messages we hear repeated over and over again. And the message we keep hearing is, "No one wants to be fat." I invite you to repeat a new message to yourself: "People are meant to come in all shapes and sizes."

Catch yourself when you have a judgmental thought about your body or someone else's. Question the judgment.

• Where is it really coming from?
• Is it just conditioning?
• Is it fear?
• What would you rather think?

Resources:

http://www.bodypositive.com/

Anxiety: The Heart of Addictions and Compulsions

We tend to think of Addictions and Compulsive behaviors as problems that stand alone. Once the addiction or compulsion is stopped, everything is okay. And while recovery from an addiction or compulsion is a huge relief, it is also essential to heal the underlying emotions. As George Carlin once said, “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."

So what’s under the addiction or compulsion?
It all starts with anxiety - specifically anxiety about being deficient, or “not good enough.” Typical indicators of this anxiety are:

• Perfectionism – striving to meet an unattainable ideal
• Avoidance – hiding imperfections from others
• Compensation – Having outward signs of success, but feeling like a fraud inside
• Judgment – Finding fault with everything and everyone; feeling frustrated that no one can measure up
• Self-Judgment – Finding fault with oneself
• Irritability – a toned-down (and socially more acceptable) expression of anger about having to prove one’s worth
• Depression – a “why bother” response to repeated failure at “measuring up”

How does Anxiety Become an Addiction or Compulsion?
Compulsions are actions we are compelled to take even though they don’t make sense and may have negative consequences. At first, the compulsion provides pleasure and relief from anxiety. Then, guilt or shame over the negative consequences becomes the focus of the thoughts and the unpleasantness. Compulsions are a great distraction.

Addictions operate like compulsions, but in addition to the psychological component, there is also a physical component. The body requires a substance to achieve equilibrium. Recovery entails healing both the body and the psyche.

The Anxiety-Compulsion Cycle
The belief “I’m not good enough” is self-perpetuating. The truth is, we are all flawed. That’s just normal. It’s the fantasy that we shouldn’t be flawed that causes distress and an unending pursuit of relief from that distress.

Addictions and compulsions provide that relief for a while. Eventually, the addiction or compulsion creates more anxiety than relief. When this happens, people become obsessed with controlling their behavior. “I can stop anytime,” is the mantra, and indeed there are many “successful” days, months, even years when the new problem remains under control.

Often the success lies in transferring the obsessive thoughts to controlling the problem behavior (getting the monkey off your back). When we channel energy into dieting or abstinence, each day of success “proves” that we are “good enough.”

There’s just one problem. The original wounds that resulted in the belief about NOT being good enough are still there, unattended (this is the circus that George Carlin refers to). The positive feelings that result from successful abstinence are shaky at best, because they are conditional. One misstep or slip, and the negative self-judgment is re-confirmed.

Why Traditional Approaches Fail
Approaches like AA, Weight Watchers, or Clutterers Anonymous fail for three reasons.

1. By focusing on the addiction or compulsion, they give anxiety a new area of focus: doing the program “good enough.” The result is an addiction to AA or the gym or some other source of “help.”
2. Because they don’t heal the underlying anxiety, the risk for relapse is always high. Interestingly, both AA and dieting have a 95% failure rate after 3 years.
3. Traditional approaches inadvertently perpetuate the fear of judgment. In AA and other 12-step groups, people count their days of abstinence. If they “slip,” they have to start over at day one. It’s like being a bad kid who’s sent to the back of the line. With dieting, it’s much the same. As long as you’re on the diet you’re “good.” As soon as you go off, you’re “bad.”

So What’s the Answer?
Identifying and healing the original wounds that set the whole thing into motion.

These wounds are frequently the result of criticism and judgment by family members, teachers, peers or other important people as we’re growing up. We internalize this judgment and develop our own “inner critic” – the voice in our own minds which is often more harsh than the original criticism.

When we identify the source of these wounds as adults, we realize that those original messages were inaccurate and distorted. We also come to see that the expectation that we become “perfect” is unrealistic and unnecessary. These realizations allow us to form more appropriate and realistic beliefs and expectations about ourselves and others. We can relax into our imperfections and come to like ourselves as we are, unconditionally.

While this work is neither simple or easy, it is incredibly rewarding and effective. Not only do you get to enjoy life without addictions or compulsions, you get to live with a person (YOU) who is kind, respectful, forgiving, nurturing encouraging…in short, you get to love yourself.

But What About Health?

We are given so many messages about the ill effects of overweight on health, it's scary. The good news is that many of the claims about weight and health are inaccurate or exaggerated. There are several great books now, debunking the myths of the diet industry. These include Fat Politics by J. Eric Oliver and The Diet Myth by Paul Campos.

I am not an MD or an expert on physiology. But I have been reading a great deal on health issues associated with overweight and obesity. Here's some of what I've learned. First, overweight is a relative term. We don't really know what the ideal weight is for people. The charts we use, including the new BMI chart, are based on life expectancies of people at different heights and weights. But BMI doesn't measure fitness. Many atheletes in top physical condition have very high BMIs because they carry a lot of muscle mass.

Research doesn't show that being fat or having a high BMI causes health problems (or that being thinner cures them). Instead it shows a correlation. This is very important. It may be the same factor that causes health problems also causes the body to store more fat. Targeting weight as the problem is similar to targeting cold temperatures as the cause of colds. We now know that colds are more likely in the winter because more of us are indoors, coming into close contact with each other. We'd catch fewer colds if we stayed outside!

Instead of focusing on weight loss, it makes more sense to look at the factors that really have an impact on health. These include consistent exercise for strength, stamina and flexibility. And eating a variety of foods, including those with fiber, colorful fruits and vegetables, and foods with minimal processing. It may also be wise to eat organic foods when available and affordable. Research also shows that stress reduction has enormous health benefits. So instead of worrying about your weight, try yoga or tai-chi (where exercise meets stress reduction). For more information on reaching optimal health, you may want to look at Eating Well for Optimal Health by Andrew Weil, and Mega Yoga by Megan Garcia.

If you know you have a health condition or high risk for one, you may CHOOSE to modify your diet. This is very different from restricting foods to achieve thinness. I can't eat eggplant. I love eggplant, and I'm sad I can't have it. But I know that when I do, I get a terrible reaction. Your body may react badly to salt or sugar or peanuts or shellfish. Limiting or eliminating foods that make you sick is not deprivation. It's respecting and honoring your unique needs.

I encourage you to do your own reading and find your comfort zone around health. You are the best expert on you.

Hunger and Fullness - finding your targets

Have you ever noticed that waiting too long to eat makes you overeat? This is fairly common. When we get super hungry, our blood sugar drops, hunger pangs can become painful, we may get a headache. We may even trigger anxiety - especially if there were times in the past when food was withheld or unavailable.

In response to the intense hunger and the anxiety, we eat voraciously when the food is finally available. We eat fast, trying to feel better as soon as possible. Often we don't realize we're full, because there can be a delay before the brain registers feelings of fullness. We zoom right past full into stuffed. Then we're just as uncomfortable as we were before. Now the discomfort is from being overly full.

It can be very helpful to have a tool to measure your hunger and fullness. Imagine (or draw) a measuring stick with numbers from one to ten. Let One be "so hungry that you can't think straight." Two can be "very hungry." Three, "a little hungry." Four, "comfortable but you could eat a little." Five. "completely comfortable, not noticing any sensations of hunger or fullness." Six, "comfortable and satisfied." Seven, "comfortable, but a little full." Eight, "a little uncomfortable - a walk would help." Nine, "so full, must undo top button." Ten, "passed out after Thanksgiving full."

With this measuring stick to help, you can decide what level of hunger and fullness work best for you. I know if I let my hunger go below a two, I'm going to be cranky and light headed and probably overeat. I also know that I like to eat to a five when I'm active and a six when I can relax.

What's amazing is that I've learned I don't like to be too full! Even at Thanksgiving! It helps to know that all food is legal, and when I'm hungry again, I'll be able to eat what ever I want. But that's the next post.

Want to be Free of Emotional Eating? Welcome to the Blog!

If you would like to recover from emotional eating or are already in the process, you're in the right place. And now is the best time - since the diet was invented - to begin.

Since the 1970's the non-diet approach to eating problems has been slowly but steadily gaining momentum. For many years, the main resource for people who wanted to stop dieting and begin eating "normally" was Overcoming Overeating by Jane Hirschmann and Carol Munter.

Great resource for compulsive
and emotional eaters!

But in the last ten years, the number of books and resources has grown. Today, there are lots of great books, websites, support groups and programs that teach people how to recognize emotional eating and take care of their feelings directly, rather than with food.

While the desire to be thinner or the fear of gaining weight may motivate you to begin doing this work, the benefit is far greater than weight loss. When you free yourself from emotional eating, you are freeing yourself from painful patterns of self-criticism, shame, obsessive thinking, and self-punishing deprivation.

The road to freedom may be difficult and even scary at times. You may have come to rely on diets to feel "in control" and safe from the fear of gaining weight. But take heart! Your body is designed to be self-regulating. Just like breathing, blinking, and sweating, your body has an automatic system that tells you when to eat, what to eat, and when to stop eating. Through the resources and information on this blog, I hope to provide you with the support you need to

1. hear and follow your body's signals: hunger, cravings, and fullness - and
2. recognize and attend to the emotions that food is currently helping you to soothe.

A good starting point is practicing Mindful Eating. There are a few books that describe this process including The Zen of Eating by R. Kabatznick and Eating Mindfully by S. Albers. For a quick start, you can download my PDF article on mindful eating at www.julielevin.com/mindful.php.