Disarming Difficult People

They are everywhere. People who refuse to listen. People who are manipulative. People who are easy to anger and slow to forgive. But if you have one at work - or worse, in your family - they can become the bane of your existence.

The thing to remember is that difficult people are stuck, often lonely, and usually, under the armor, feeling powerless.

Did your head just tilt to the side in confusion? Yes, the people who frighten you the most are the ones who feel powerless. I call it helpless rage. They lose control. They push others away. They know that even if they get compliance, they are not getting cooperation or genuine relationship.

But let's talk about YOU for a minute. Is it scary to confront a difficult person? Do you avoid saying or doing certain things with them? Are you walking on eggshells? Do you fume after they, once again, steamroll over you?

For most of us, the fear of anger or angry people is combination of biology and experience.

Biology:
Our bodies evolved to recognize a predator and run. And angry people can seem predatory. Though, in the wild, a predator rarely comes in growling or snarling. True predators sneak up on prey. Angry, snarling behavior is the behavior of an animal who feels threatened (powerless!).

Experience:
Many of us grew up with someone who was angry and scary. As kids, we were helpless to protect ourselves. And if the other adults were also afraid, they couldn't model for us what to do to feel safe. We may have decided that anger is bad or dangerous. We may repress our own anger so that we don't become the frightening adult we witnessed and feared.

So how do you disarm a difficult person - especially if you feel scared?

Having a plan and sticking to the plan is key. In the beginning, your fight-flight response will want to kick in and either attack, defend or run. Your plan will help you override these impulses. Later, as you have success disarming difficult people, your fight-flight reactions will calm down. Seeing that you have the skill and ability to 1) keep yourself safe and 2) calm the other person, will reinforce what you're learning.

So, here's the plan:

1. Stick to the plan. Don't take the bait. Have what you want to say rehearsed, memorized, or written down so that your own anger or fear-induced brain-fog does not take over.
2. Listen to the angry person's words and do your best to repeat them back accurately. For example: "You're saying that I should have sent this out last week. Am I hearing that right?" The person will agree or correct you. If they correct you, say the new words. "Oh, so you wanted me to send it within 24 hours of the request. Is that right?" Often this will feel like mincing words. No worries, keep refining till they tell you you got it right. The key here is to remain calm and keep letting go of any desire to defend or explain. You don't have to agree with the person. You are just checking to make sure you heard them correctly. As you do this, they should begin to feel more understood, which is what they really want.
3. Empathize. "It sounds like this is really important to you." Or "Wow, I really pissed you off!" No sarcasm or defensiveness can come through. You have to be offering true compassion for this to work. Remember, you are not agreeing that you're a jerk (even if this is what they are saying). You are understanding that they are intensely frustrated, and from their perspective you are the source of their irritation.
4. Ask for more. "Is there anything else I'm doing that's not working for you?" Give them space to vent. Use steps 2 and 3 when they offer up their laundry list.
5. Thank them. "I really appreciate you taking the time to let me know how I can help you better." Again, you are not agreeing. You are just appreciating that they explained what is making them so frustrated. You may decide to alter your behavior or not. That's secondary. 

The key to making this work is your own emotional reactions. If you take the other person's beliefs about you personally, it probably won't work. We take things personally when we already buy into some or all of what they are saying. I call this emotional Velcro. We all need to remove our Velcro by examining our self-talk, our embarrassment, our shame. When we can sit comfortably in our own imperfect skin and not judge ourselves, the judgement of others won't matter. In my next post, I'll talk more about removing the Velcro.