How to Stop Taking Things Personally - Removing Your Emotional Velcro™

First, let me acknowledge that what I'm about to say is not always easy. A lot of my clients spend weeks (sometimes longer) processing a painful interaction before they can understand and act on what I'm about to tell you. So feel free to bookmark this post and come back to it when you need the ideas reinforced.

We all have what I call "Emotional Velcro™" inside of us. This is the place where painful words, images, memories and experiences get stuck - where we take things personally. When someone says, "Jeez, you're so selfish!" and that comment keeps going around in your head, you know you have some Emotional Velcro™ there. 

You feel the desire to defend or explain, "I am NOT selfish! I just volunteered sixteen hours at the food bank! I did all of your laundry when you had that deadline! I am the least selfish person you will ever know!"

We take other people's comments and actions personally when we have a negative belief or interpretation about those words or actions. In other words, you get upset about being called selfish (or lazy or fat or frustrating) ONLY if you believe that it's bad or wrong to be selfish.

Now here's where a lot of people get stuck. They tell me, "But Julie, it IS bad to be selfish!" They don't realize that "good" and "bad" are interpretations, not absolutes. 

I don't like broccoli. I think broccoli is bad. But I realize that broccoli is not inherently bad (it's not personal, broccoli). A lot of people love it. I could go further and tell myself that those people are weird or have a strange sense of taste. None of this is objectively true. Similarly, what one person calls selfish, another person might call self-care, good boundaries, or lack of information. 

Usually when someone labels us, what they are really saying is, "I need something from you, and it feels too vulnerable and scary to tell you. I'm afraid of being needy (because I have an interpretation that neediness is bad), so I will just get angry and tell you that you're selfish."

While it can be enormously helpful to realize that people label you when they can't express their needs directly, it's even more useful to remove your own value judgements about yourself and others (the Velcro™). If you believe that selfishness is not inherently bad, then anyone can call you selfish, and you will not take it personally. You will have converted your Velcro™ into Teflon™. 

And this is where it can get hard. Changing our own beliefs takes work. Especially beliefs that were instilled in childhood, when learning how to fit into our family belief systems was essential to feeling loved, accepted, connected and safe. 

I had a client once who came to see me for anger problems. She felt irritable all the time and quick to snap at the people closest to her. After her boyfriend left her, she realized she had to change. When we looked at the source of her anger, we learned that she could not say no to anyone. She felt compelled to do whatever other people wanted to do. She believed that if she said "no," she was being rude. So she walked around with no ability to set reasonable boundaries. Then, when her resentment built, she would pop, and all her irritation would come out all over the people she loved the most. 

Where did she learn that "no" was rude? It was a lesson her mom taught her when she was little. Maybe this happened during the terrible twos, when those "No!" messages come out in ways that do sound rude. Mom didn't explain that "No" is a very important word. But sometimes it works better to say it gently. As a kid, my client learned that to feel loved and safe, she could not say no, and the belief stayed with her (along with the belief that it's never okay to be rude).

These are interpretations. They are not objectively or absolutely true. Often, it is essential to say "No." And sometimes it's useful to be rude. It's also okay to disappoint people. None of these things makes you a bad person. As an adult, you can stop judging yourself and eliminate your Velcro™ .

To find the beliefs you take personally - your Velcro™, finish the following sentence:

"I am bad (difficult, frustrating, etc) if I…"

To remove your Velcro™ use the following questions. 

What other interpretations of that behavior might there be? 

Is this true for everyone, or just me? 

How did I learn this? 

Is it still true today? 

If I violate this rule, what will happen?

Example:

I am rude if I say "no."

Other interpretations: 

• I might be rude if I say "no" like a snotty two year old, but I can also say "no" kindly and respectfully.
• Saying "no" when I need to is honest, and most people will appreciate knowing they can trust me to be real with them.
• Saying "no" with respect will prevent my anger from building.
• Everyone has the right to say "no" when they are asked something that doesn't feel right for them.

Is this true for everyone?

No. People say no to me all the time, and I don't reject them or think they are rude.

How did I learn this?

Mom said it was true, but I can see that she was overgeneralizing now.

Is it still true today? 

No. As an adult, I can say "no" and most people will respect my boundaries. If they don't, that's just information about who they are. I can then choose to spend less time with them.

If I violate this rule, what will happen?

It depends. If someone takes my "no" personally, they may get upset, but that's their Velcro™  to remove. I want to spend time with people who respect my boundaries.

Sometimes these steps are not enough. Deeply held beliefs take longer to change. Repetition can be helpful. So can processes like EMDR and Attachment Based Counseling (a process I've developed so clients can re-parent themselves more effectively. I will write more about this process next time). 

Remember, if you are taking something personally, it's an opportunity to let go of a belief or interpretation that makes you feel bad. Turn your focus away from the other person or event. Look inward using the questions above. Remove that Velcro™, and set yourself free!