If you're an emotional eater, you may turn to food to stuff down some very important words - words that need saying, but feel scary or wrong to say. Words like "No" and "I don't want to."
One of the most important communication skills I've ever learned comes from my beloved mentor and therapist, Robyn Posin. From Robyn I learned these magic words:
"It just doesn't work for me."
This is all the reason any of us needs to say "no" or set a boundary. What I love about this phrase is that it eliminates the good-bad, right-wrong, win-lose nature of many boundary setting conversations. It makes it okay for people to ask for what they need, and it makes it okay to say or be told "no." This fundamental okay-ness, creates safety. No one get's judged, criticized, or otherwise bashed. It also eliminates resentment. No one says yes out of fear of negative consequences.
This is not to say that it's always easy to use this skill. There are those who will never be able to hear "no" in any form and take it well. Again, the good news is that if they can't even handle hearing "no," then there is no point in trying to convince or explain. You can save your breath and your energy and walk away.
Many of us feel afraid to set such clear and clean boundaries. We fear losing the people in our lives or hurting them. If you lose someone for honoring your true needs, your life may be better without them. If someone is hurt by your honesty, especially when phrased in a non-critical, non-shaming way, then they were already hurting before you got there. It's their job to heal whatever is injured in them, not yours.
No comments:
Post a Comment