The Feline Diet

My cats have no problem with their bodies. They display them shamelessly, give themselves endless tongue baths, and when they want affection, nudge themselves right under my laptop, book, etc., and assume (rightfully) that it is now "their turn."

My cats also have no problem with food. Despite the lack of opposable thumbs, they eat whenever they want, whatever they want. They don't worry about empty calories or getting enough vegetables. They are not ashamed to play with their food - especially if it's still moving.

After many years of careful observation, I have noticed that my cats do follow some rules about eating and exercise. Since my cats have the best self esteem of anyone I know, I think maybe we could benefit from their diet. So here it is:

1. Never eat anything unless you're in the mood for it. Unless you happen to be really, really hungry. Then eat the smallest amount that will get you through till something better is served.
2. Eat the exact same thing for 3 - 5 days. Then don't eat it again for 3 - 5 weeks (if ever).
3. Play with your food.
4. As soon as you smell chicken, stop what you're doing and sing an opera aria until you get a bite.
5. As soon as you smell fish, be really nice to the person making it until they give you some. Then, ignore them as before.
6. Eat chicken skin. It's the best part. If there's any more, have more. Feel free to lick the plate unashamedly.
7. Take a long sponge bath after every meal or snack.
8. Take a long nap after every sponge bath.

Exercise:

1. Sprint for 30 seconds after you poop.
2. Stretch whenever you shift from one activity to another.
3. Stretch or take an immediate sponge bath whenever you do something embarrassing.
4. Stretch whenever you've been napping for more than 30 minutes (then nap some more).
5. Jump off impossibly high things. If it's the middle of the night, jump onto something terribly loud and crashy.
6. Jump onto incredibly high things. If you miss, see step 3.
7. Knead things.
8. Chase invisible beings.
9. Crouch low to the ground and stalk prey.
10. Pounce when you find something good. If in mid pounce you discover you were mistaken, become completely dorky for about ten seconds and do a Jerry Lewis imitation. Then go back to step 3.
11. When you find a sunny spot, position yourself square in the middle of it and roll around on your back. Then nap till the sun moves.
12. Feel free to nap between (or in the middle of) any exercise.