Do I Have to Forgive, Part 2 (When the Answer is Yes)

In my first post on forgiveness. I focused on the importance of having your own permission NOT to forgive. The key was to be certain that you protect yourself from the person who harmed you. This permission is so essential when the person who is harmful cannot or will not behave differently. Not everyone is capable of taking responsibility for their behavior. Some people will continue to shame or blame you for getting hurt. In these situations, boundaries are more important than forgiveness.

But there are times when forgiveness becomes necessary - not for the other person, but for YOU. Forgiveness in this sense is not about mending or repairing a relationship. It's about letting go of the indignation, the hurt and above all, the WISH that the other person could one day develop the capacity for empathy, care and repair.

The folks at www.nomoreshameproject.com have a one-page on forgiveness that describes this so well...

Forgiving your abuser(s) is ultimately a benefit for you, not only a benefit to your abuser. Forgiving them can relieve a weight of heaviness, bitterness, anger and resentment you might be harboring that could be extremely damaging to your recovery or even your physical health.

For me the need to forgive comes on sleepless nights. My bladder or my cat (or very often, my cat standing on my bladder) wake me, and in the wee vulnerable hours, my poor little mind goes around and around the loop of insanity, trying to explain to myself why the person who has harmed me is wrong. The unseen person in the conversation is the part of me that WISHES so fervently for repair. The loud, repetitive one arguing is the one who knows that repair isn't possible. To reconnect would only mean further abuse.

In these 2am or 3am struggles, the only thing that gets me back to sleep is a sweeping, all encompassing declaration of forgiveness. Instead of the loop, I tell myself and the world that I forgive all wrongs ever done to me so I can sleep. I forgive everyone and everything, just for tonight. Tomorrow I may change my mind (this is for the one who needs to know I will not put myself back in harm's way). But tonight, when I am tired, and I need to let go, I forgive. I forgive big and broad and deep. And it gets me to sleep.

I like this idea of forgiveness as a tool to use as needed, rather than a thing to do to "get over it." On that same one-page from nomoreshameproject.com they write,

Forgiveness is not always a “one and done” action. Sometimes we must make a conscious effort to “re- forgive” when we are flooded with memories or the aftereffects of our abuse. Forgiveness can sometimes be a process that needs repetition often. 
 That’s okay. That doesn’t mean you’ve done it wrong. It just means the wrongs done against you were deep and lasting. 

Ultimately, what I am really forgiving is my own longing that things can be different. This is how it is for us who grew up with emotional abuse or neglect. We have little ones inside of us that are still hungry for the connection our bodies were wired for - the parent-child attachment based on safety, soothing and cherishing. I can apologize to the little girl I used to be. I can tell her, I'm so sorry mom and dad couldn't give you that feeling of security and connection you needed. I'm sorry they will never develop this capacity. It's not fair. It's not okay. You don't have to like it.

This is the apology that allows me to move out of the obsessive loop of longing for something that doesn't exist and into the grieving and letting go. The grief hurts, but it doesn't feel crazy. It's recognizing that what looked like an oasis was actually a mirage. And that realization lets me find water where it actually exists.

"...and I was fat as hell the whole time."

I'm not usually one to post articles on my blog, yet here I am doing just that for the second time in a row. The thing is, sometimes other people write things I wish I'd written. This is one of those times. 

I too got married fat, and without wearing any minimizing undergarments. It was 1995 and I was just beginning my journey toward self acceptance and fat positivity. I didn't yet know there were others like me, getting ready to say no to both the external and internalized fat prejudice rampant in our culture. It would be another two or three years before I would discover books like When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies or Fat!So? 

When I took up the loving and accepting language of fat positivity, people became silent and awkward. Conversations about dieting and self hatred would abruptly stop when I walked into the office lunch room. There wasn't yet a place for an open dialogue where I could say, "Hey, maybe all of our bodies are just fine exactly the way they are." When I tried, it was like I was speaking a foreign language.

So it warms my heart to share this joyful article by Lindy West on being an unapologetic fat bride. 

Being Thin Can't Make You Happy... But this Article Might :-)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ravishly/being-thin-didnt-make-me-happy-being-fat-does_b_6661862.html

Eat Whatever the Huckleberry you Want

I just saw an article on FB telling us that milk is harmful. If you love milk, don't fret. Next year, milk will be a superfood that cures everything that ails you. And if you hate milk, no worries. The year after that, it will be demonized again. I've said it before. The experts have no idea what's good for you. Carbs, fats, nuts, eggs, gluten - they all get their turn as villain and hero.

I wonder if this scientific back and forth is really a reflection of a bigger struggle in our culture: we feel guilty for enjoying delicious food. It must be healthy, or we are "bad." 

Food is not a moral issue. Neither is being fat - even though people fiercely judge those with body fat. Know what is a moral issue - at least in the Christian faith? Judging people. You can't control whether other people are judgemental. But you can work toward making your own mind a judgement free zone. Loving yourself unconditionally is a very good diet to adopt. It will lower your stress. And I think the experts remain consistent that stress damages health.

Love, on the other hand creates oxytocin. Dr. Michael Gershon, author of The Second Brain, writes about how oxytocin appears to reduce inflammation in the gut and positively impact autoimmune disorders. It also creates feelings of bliss. So, rather than fussing over what you put in your mouth or the number on the scale, feed yourself a steady diet of kindness, gentleness, play and compassion. Wrap your own arms around yourself and send love to every cell in your body. Even if the feelings aren't genuine at first, pretend that they are. Treating yourself lovingly will make you feel loved over time. 

If other people judge you, tell them to take a flying huckleberry.

Honoring Your Inner Mother on Mother's Day

If you struggle on Mother's Day (or any holiday) because your relationship with your mom was (is) difficult -

If you felt more like a burden to her than a gift -

If you've been learning to love yourself (or want to learn how) unconditionally -

Read my newest post on www.reparent-yourself.com.

Brilliant TED talk on the brain's role in regulating weight.

if you're trying to lose weight, especially for your health, watch this great TED talk

I'm cheating on my blog, with another blog

Yes, I know, I've been neglecting this space all month (well two). It's time to come clean. I've started a new blog. It's not that I don't love this one. It's just that I find I keep writing about self care instead of emotional eating. And yes, self care is part of the healing process, but I've really been off topic for a while now.

I also wanted to learn WordPress (sorry Blogger!). So I made a site using that tool. I can't say I've loved it. The learning curve made me want to slap the internet. But with all the hard work now mostly done, I'm keeping it. Besides, it's purple.

So, come over for a visit. www.reparent-yourself.com.

It's just got a few posts, but in time I will add more and more, eventually creating what I hope will be a definitive "How-To" for those of us who didn't get the parenting we needed as kids.

I hope it proves healing and helpful!