In my first post on forgiveness. I focused on the importance of having your own permission NOT to forgive. The key was to be certain that you protect yourself from the person who harmed you. This permission is so essential when the person who is harmful cannot or will not behave differently. Not everyone is capable of taking responsibility for their behavior. Some people will continue to shame or blame you for getting hurt. In these situations, boundaries are more important than forgiveness.
But there are times when forgiveness becomes necessary - not for the other person, but for YOU. Forgiveness in this sense is not about mending or repairing a relationship. It's about letting go of the indignation, the hurt and above all, the WISH that the other person could one day develop the capacity for empathy, care and repair.
The folks at www.nomoreshameproject.com have a one-page on forgiveness that describes this so well...
For me the need to forgive comes on sleepless nights. My bladder or my cat (or very often, my cat standing on my bladder) wake me, and in the wee vulnerable hours, my poor little mind goes around and around the loop of insanity, trying to explain to myself why the person who has harmed me is wrong. The unseen person in the conversation is the part of me that WISHES so fervently for repair. The loud, repetitive one arguing is the one who knows that repair isn't possible. To reconnect would only mean further abuse.
In these 2am or 3am struggles, the only thing that gets me back to sleep is a sweeping, all encompassing declaration of forgiveness. Instead of the loop, I tell myself and the world that I forgive all wrongs ever done to me so I can sleep. I forgive everyone and everything, just for tonight. Tomorrow I may change my mind (this is for the one who needs to know I will not put myself back in harm's way). But tonight, when I am tired, and I need to let go, I forgive. I forgive big and broad and deep. And it gets me to sleep.
I like this idea of forgiveness as a tool to use as needed, rather than a thing to do to "get over it." On that same one-page from nomoreshameproject.com they write,
Ultimately, what I am really forgiving is my own longing that things can be different. This is how it is for us who grew up with emotional abuse or neglect. We have little ones inside of us that are still hungry for the connection our bodies were wired for - the parent-child attachment based on safety, soothing and cherishing. I can apologize to the little girl I used to be. I can tell her, I'm so sorry mom and dad couldn't give you that feeling of security and connection you needed. I'm sorry they will never develop this capacity. It's not fair. It's not okay. You don't have to like it.
This is the apology that allows me to move out of the obsessive loop of longing for something that doesn't exist and into the grieving and letting go. The grief hurts, but it doesn't feel crazy. It's recognizing that what looked like an oasis was actually a mirage. And that realization lets me find water where it actually exists.
But there are times when forgiveness becomes necessary - not for the other person, but for YOU. Forgiveness in this sense is not about mending or repairing a relationship. It's about letting go of the indignation, the hurt and above all, the WISH that the other person could one day develop the capacity for empathy, care and repair.
The folks at www.nomoreshameproject.com have a one-page on forgiveness that describes this so well...
Forgiving your abuser(s) is ultimately a benefit for you, not only a benefit to your abuser. Forgiving them can relieve a weight of heaviness, bitterness, anger and resentment you might be harboring that could be extremely damaging to your recovery or even your physical health.
For me the need to forgive comes on sleepless nights. My bladder or my cat (or very often, my cat standing on my bladder) wake me, and in the wee vulnerable hours, my poor little mind goes around and around the loop of insanity, trying to explain to myself why the person who has harmed me is wrong. The unseen person in the conversation is the part of me that WISHES so fervently for repair. The loud, repetitive one arguing is the one who knows that repair isn't possible. To reconnect would only mean further abuse.
In these 2am or 3am struggles, the only thing that gets me back to sleep is a sweeping, all encompassing declaration of forgiveness. Instead of the loop, I tell myself and the world that I forgive all wrongs ever done to me so I can sleep. I forgive everyone and everything, just for tonight. Tomorrow I may change my mind (this is for the one who needs to know I will not put myself back in harm's way). But tonight, when I am tired, and I need to let go, I forgive. I forgive big and broad and deep. And it gets me to sleep.
I like this idea of forgiveness as a tool to use as needed, rather than a thing to do to "get over it." On that same one-page from nomoreshameproject.com they write,
Forgiveness is not always a “one and done” action. Sometimes we must make a conscious effort to “re- forgive” when we are flooded with memories or the aftereffects of our abuse. Forgiveness can sometimes be a process that needs repetition often. That’s okay. That doesn’t mean you’ve done it wrong. It just means the wrongs done against you were deep and lasting.
Ultimately, what I am really forgiving is my own longing that things can be different. This is how it is for us who grew up with emotional abuse or neglect. We have little ones inside of us that are still hungry for the connection our bodies were wired for - the parent-child attachment based on safety, soothing and cherishing. I can apologize to the little girl I used to be. I can tell her, I'm so sorry mom and dad couldn't give you that feeling of security and connection you needed. I'm sorry they will never develop this capacity. It's not fair. It's not okay. You don't have to like it.
This is the apology that allows me to move out of the obsessive loop of longing for something that doesn't exist and into the grieving and letting go. The grief hurts, but it doesn't feel crazy. It's recognizing that what looked like an oasis was actually a mirage. And that realization lets me find water where it actually exists.
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