Freedom from Emotional Eating

Radical Self-Love Instead of Resolutions

2011-12-31T13:21:00.000-08:00

My friend and mentor Robyn Posin (forthelittleonesinside.com) often says that setting goals rather than forming open-ended intentions can lead to problems. Because we don't have the ability to predict the future, we can't know what will be right for us tomorrow.

Today though, you may have an idea that losing weight will make you happy in the future. Today, as the new year approaches, you may be setting a resolution to diet harder, to eat less, to exercise more, to get thinner.

I want to invite you to think about the last time you lost weight (and the time before that, and the time before that). Did you feel an initial rush of excitement as you fit into smaller clothes? Did your self-esteem go up as the number on the scale went down? Was there another feeling alongside or just under the excitement? Was there fear or worry, maybe even dread that you would not be able to sustain the behavior required to keep losing weight?

This is the conundrum that 95% of dieters face. Most of us can restrict our eating and up our exercise on January 1. Many of us can continue our “lifestyle changes” through January, even February. By March though, a lot of us are selling our exercise equipment on eBay. By April, we are in therapy wondering why we have failed again.

If this is you, please listen. You are not a failure. Diets have failed you. If you are an emotional eater, no diet will ever be able to address the underlying reasons why you reach for food to change your mood.

In 2012, you have an opportunity to look at your relationship with food and your body in a whole new way. Instead of viewing food or fat as an enemy to be conquered, what would it be like to open your heart in compassion and curiosity? What would it be like to feel a craving, but instead of fighting with yourself, to be a loving ally who asks, what am I really hungry for?

A few days ago, I was talking with my friend, Nadine, about how she quit smoking. She talked about having to let go of all the ideas in her head about quitting, and how even the word “quitting” was getting in the way for her. Instead she found the word “finished” as in, “Am I finished with smoking yet?”

I wonder if Nadine's discovery might be helpful in your process as well? When you feel a craving, what might happen if you ask yourself, “Am I finished feeding my emotions with food?”

If you choose to play with this language, please don't make being finished right and not being finished wrong. There is no right or wrong here. Maybe an even better question would be, "Am I ready to feed my emotions with love instead of food?"

However you phrase it, the question should help you get close to the part of you that has relied on food to feel okay, close enough to really feel into the need. Is the timing right to feel your emotions? Is the timing right to make a loving space for your needs? If the timing is right, then you might be finished feeding your emotions with food. And if the timing is not right, can you have your own tender and gentle permission to not be ready yet?

At the heart of these questions lies a fundamental stance, that you never deserve your own scorn, that anger and disgust will never motivate you, at least not for long, and that you always deserve your own lovingkindness, gentleness and support without any conditions.

Is 2012 the year you set an intention for radical self-love instead of making resolutions?

Emotional Pollution

2011-10-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

I was in Briones Regional Park on my birthday, walking, feeling peaceful after listening to an audiobook by Eckhart Tolle. Three doggie visits into the walk, the bliss kept deepening, their puppy smiles and sweetness filling me up. My phone chimed with Facebook alerts, all happy birthday wishes. Life is good, I thought.

My mom called to say Happy Birthday. Then she got all instructional about how to take care of myself (because at 47, I apparently still don’t know how) and judgmental about my sisters (because that’s how she is). Since I can’t talk her out of her negativity, I kindly excused myself from the conversation – yay me! Still, a little emotional pollution got in. I refocused on the now, the woods, finding and photographing trees that look like they have faces.

I could hear a jogger coming, her footfalls, rhythmic and stomping as she loudly fought with her boyfriend on the phone. I heard her complaining about how he treats her, his negative judgment about her weight. She passed me. She was skinny and fit. And she was flooded with anger which leaked into the forest, into the trees, into me. I felt slimed. Once again, I redirected myself to the present moment, the music of the birds, the excitement of the squirrels in a bounty of acorns. I felt almost better.

As I came to the end of the trail, the jogger was there, stretching, still fighting, even louder. She didn’t know it was my birthday. Didn’t know she was in my "church." Didn’t know her hostility was polluting me (or even that it was polluting her). I wanted to tell her to hang up, to stop running, to slow down and see how beautiful the world is, and she is. I wanted to hug her till she calmed down. Instead, I hugged myself till I calmed down. It was all I could do.

Driving home, I was still upset, and all the upsetting things my mind could find started joining in the chorus. Eckhart Tolle was on the CD player, talking about being in the now. You can’t have problems if you are truly in the now, he said with his German accent. Clearly, I was not in the now. Or maybe I was. Maybe the sensation in my body, feeling slimed, was the now I was not accepting. Eckhart Tolle said to take action if I could or to accept reality if there is no action to take.

The action I could take in that moment was to keep hugging myself, to breathe in pain and breathe out love as the Buddhists instruct. It worked. But I had to work it, training my mind, like a puppy, to be in the now, to be in loving presence with myself. Like the jogger, like my mother, I had to get myself off the phone with the part of me who thinks life should be different, that I shouldn’t have to deal with slime in my church, on my birthday. Shoulds, clearly indicating that I am not accepting reality.

I leaned into the present moment. There was a tightness in my chest, my sympathetic nervous system still processing out the chemicals that arose in reaction to my mother and the jogger. I helped it along, reaching inward with an invisible hand, massaging the tightness. I’m so sorry this doesn’t feel good. I told myself. I will stay with you until it feels better.

At home, I went back in my mind to the start of the walk, the smell of the bay laurel, the coolness within the shade of the trees, the baby plants sprouting after the first fall rains. I remembered the dogs, all tail wags and love. My chest eased.

Then I remembered on my way out of the park, a man carried some trash to a can in the parking lot. I don’t know if it was his trash. It could be that he found some trash in the park and decided to throw it away, even though it wasn’t his. And in that moment, I put my emotional trash in there too.

Workaholism, Part 2

2011-08-09T10:38:00.000-07:00

A lot of emotional eaters tend to be adults who were "good kids." We do as we are told. We are courteous. We have a lot of empathy. When something goes wrong, we are quick to ask, "What did I do?" often taking responsibility for mistakes or problems we didn't create. Given these characteristics, we make really good workers.

We also have a tendency to feel less than or not good enough. We may diet to feel thin enough, which is really code for worthy - worthy of love, respect, good relationships... We are always proving ourselves, always "earning" our place in the world. This too makes us really good workers.

But the price of overwork and/or perfectionism at work is incredibly high. You may pay the price with stress related illnesses, more overeating, drinking, impaired relationships or isolation. You may pay the price in time - waking up one day to realize that you haven't really lived your life.

Recovery from Workaholism is just as hard as recovery from emotional eating - maybe harder, since overwork is praised and rewarded in ways that overeating is not! The recovery method is the same - really as it is with any addictive behavior. The key is in learning what the behavior is trying to help you soothe or distract yourself from: loneliness, anger, worry, emptiness, lack of security, shame....

When you have a better grasp of the feelings you are working to avoid, then you can begin tending to these feelings directly. As you become a skilled caregiver to yourself, you may discover that work is not so compelling. You may be more tuned into other needs - the need for rest or play, the need for time with family or friends, the need to just goof off.

Getting there is a process, so be gentle with yourself and celebrate even the little moments when you close your laptop or turn off your Blackberry. Close your eyes and just breathe. Find the parts of you who haven't yet learned that you are loveable, even when you are doing nothing, and send them love anyway.

Workaholism

2011-07-18T22:39:00.000-07:00

Emotional eaters often have more than one compulsion. And we tend to be ultra-responsible, often co-dependent. It's no surprise that many compulsive eaters are also workaholics. While we may not get the cultural approval we seek by being thin, we can get it by being good workers. But as with any addiction, workaholism comes at a high price. If you think you (or someone you love) is using work to avoid feelings, relationships or both, read this article by Erin Lenderts. Next time, I'll follow up with more about how to recover if you are a workaholic. Till then, be as gentle with yourself as you can possibly be

Not all overeating is emotional eating

2011-07-07T12:26:00.000-07:00

My focus in this blog and in my work with clients is on the emotional component of overeating. Yet, as I navigate the waters of peri-menopause, I'm discovering something really important about my body. As I get older, my body is processing food differently.

Till a short time ago, I've was having BIG hunger (it was waking me up in the middle of the night) and I had to eat every two hours or I'd get a headache. The blood sugar tests my doctor ordered appeared normal, but my body was not behaving normally.

For most of my adult life, I've been a plant eater, with a little meat sprinkled in here and there. I love bread. For years I've made my own sourdough from scratch - starter and everything. I love potatoes - mashed, fried, baked. I love pasta, especially farfalle - little bows of joy. And I love cake, especially princess cake with it's edible, pastel-green wrapping.

But what I'm discovering is that these foods don't love me back. And I'm not talking about weight gain here. This is about ginormous blood sugar crashes, complete with headache, grouchiness, and hunger pangs like I hadn't ever eaten in my life.

A friend, about my age described the same symptoms. Then another friend. We are all perimenopausal. Could there be a connection? What we all started to discover, through advice and experientation, was that contrary to what a lot of "experts" say, our bodies felt better when we at more meat and stopped eating sugar and starch.

If you read my blog, you know, I'm not a fan of the experts. I trust the messages my body gives me. For the moment, the message is clear. Eat meat. Eat animal fat. Don't eat the pretty princess cake. And I'm listening with all love and tenderness I've learned in the process of healing my emotional eating.

My inner child sometimes really wants cake, and I tell her, "I know honey, cake would make my mouth really happy right now. But after, it would feel bad, really bad. And she knows, having felt so much better recently, that the pleasure of cake, at least in this moment, is not worth the suffering it brings. So we stay with what works, in this case, what many have called "the candy of meat." Bacon :-).

I would love to know how you have been listening to your body - or would like to. And what you have learned. Comments are welcomed and encouraged.

Weight Loss Advice - Who to Trust

2011-05-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

My local Borders is closing (I guess they all are). So I stopped by to pick up some bargains. Books that support the non-diet approach always catch my eye, so I picked up a book called Full: A Life Without Dieting. And just as my mother told me, you can't judge a book by it's cover, or title. The book starts out interestingly, explaining the biology of fullness and confirming what real* non-diet practitioners know. Hunger and fullness are signaled by a complex system of chemical reactions in the body. Our chemistry is dictated in large part by our DNA. And then environmental factors like stress, overwork and emotional disconnect can make it hard to pay attention to our hunger and fullness signals.

Where the book loses me is at the moment when Dr. Snyder begins talking about what to eat, when to eat, and how much to eat. Excuse me, but isn't that... a diet? And then, the doctor begins contradicting himself. Early in the book, he notes that the top 10% of the stomach is where the nerves that signal fullness are located. And he recommends eating enough to activate those nerves, noting that diets are doomed to failure, in part, because they leave people hungry. But then later in the book, he advocates eating less in order to shrink the stomach.

In his "troubleshooting" section, he briefly mentions emotional eating and recommends that you let go of stress. Really? Like the complex system that governs appetite, there is another complex system that governs our emotional states. If we could let go of stress by simply deciding to do so, guess what? We all would!

So, once again, we have an "expert" telling us what to do. Another expert is recommending a diet, and then saying he doesn't believe in diets. And yet there are a few gems among the dross of this book. I'll sum it up for you and save you the time and expense of buying and reading the book.

1. Your stomach has fullness sensors that get activated when you've eaten enough. However, they can get short-circuited by emotional distress, preoccupation, or the smell of freshly baked cookies.

2. If you are eating beyond fullness, it may be helpful to practice mindfulness. If mindfulness is not helping (I know I'm full, but I feel compelled to eat anyway), then you may be hungry for something else.

Here's why expert advice doesn't work. YOU are the only expert on you. You are the one receiving those signals. So only you can know when to eat, what to eat, and how much to eat. If you are an emotional eater, you may need help differentiating emotional hunger signals from food hunger signals and then learning how to respond to both with care and self love.

So let's talk about mindful eating. Turn off the TV. Eat alone if possible. Eat slowly and really enjoy your food. After each bite, pause and notice how your body is responding. If you are feeling pleasure, revel in that pleasure. Notice flavors, textures, temperature. Notice belly feelings. Is there relief as you move from hunger to fullness. Your job is to increase your awareness of the physical signals your body is sending you about the experience of eating. That's all. If you find yourself worrying about food "rules" or feeling fear/shame about your body while you're eating, ask the part that is worried if it can move aside temporarily so you can listen to your body. If the worried part can't let go, you might find it easier to start with the emotional stuff.

Food is soothing. Food is distracting. Even worrying about your weight or your health can provide a great distraction from other feelings that are harder to face. This is why real non-diet followers abstain from all forms of food restriction. We know that dieting, just like overeating, is a distraction from difficult feelings.

Feelings 101:
With rare exception, we are all born with the need and capacity to feel a range of emotions at a range of intensity. Our emotions are like the dials on the dashboard of a car. They tell us when things are going well. And they tell us when we need to make adjustments. We are also born with the need and capacity to bond. Bonding with our parents keeps us safe, comforted, and connected.

Our ability to feel a full range of emotions without getting distressed or overwhelmed DEPENDS on the quality of our bonding experiences. If our parents made us feel safe, soothed and valued as children, regardless of our emotional expression, then we learned that our emotions are fine. We can bring them to others and receive care. And when others are not available, we can draw on the care we received as kids and self-soothe.

Many overeaters have less-than-optimal bonding. Parents may have been abusive/scary, preoccupied/distant, or intrusive/needy. Because bonding is essential to our survival, we will shut down any feelings that threaten our bond. This can be obvious. For example, I've worked with clients who had abusive parents and don't feel safe in relationships. When they feel lonely or upset, they turn to food because it calms them. And food won't yell at them (though they often yell at themselves later for eating).

Sometimes the bonding problem is a little obscured. Another client had a hard time receiving compliments. Whenever someone acknowledged her skill or strengths, she would change the subject and brush off the kind words, not really believing them. It turns out her mother criticized everything she did. As a kid, she longed to have her mom beam at her with pride. Instead, when she had an accomplishment, it was dismissed, creating deep shame. In therapy, she was able to start taking in positive feedback. And in the process, she was able to notice hunger and fullness more easily.

Figuring this stuff out is hard. Most of us need a healthy adult bond where we can explore all of our feelings with another person, and have our feelings/our truest selves be accepted and held with respect and regard. Attuning to our feelings and welcoming the messages they carry is in direct parallel with attuning to our appetites and welcoming the messages of hunger and fullness. This is why diets don't work (even when you call them something different).

*Real non-diet practitioners trust that our bodies know when they are hungry and full. They trust that when emotions are nurtured, emotional eating falls away. They trust that each body has a size and shape encoded into its DNA. That size and shape may not fit cultural ideals. But instead of pushing and punishing bodies into unrealistic sizes and shapes, real non-diet practitioners advocate for self-acceptance, health at every size, and activism that challenges the shaming and devaluing cultural beliefs about size and weight.

Cheesecake, Feelings, and Self Love

2011-03-18T13:06:00.000-07:00

I had a client* recently tell me she ate a half bag of chips, a pack of girlscout cookies, and part of a still-frozen cheesecake without understanding why.

Then as our session progressed, she told me about taking her sister to the airport. My client had a back spasm from sitting at a computer for too long. Her sister called at 4pm, stating that she had forgotten to arrange a ride to the airport, and needed to be there by 6:30pm for an 8pm flight. My client dropped what she was doing, and drove to her sister's house. Her sister was not packed, and there was rush hour traffic. "I was more worried than she was," my client laughed.

"Can I slow you down?" I asked.
"I'm sorry," she apologized, "am I going too fast?"
"It's not that," I offered, "I'm just wondering if we can make space for your feelings?" She took a deep breath and sighed.
"That was a big sigh," I said.
"Yeah. I don't know what this is," she said, pointing to her throat.
"What are you noticing?" I asked.
"It's like a lump, like I swallowed something, and it's just sticking there."
"Stay with the lump. See if it can tell you what you swallowed." I encouraged.
"My pride," she said, tears starting to flow.

This was not the first time she had put her own needs aside for someone and ended up feeling used or lessened in some way. And this was not the first client to share a similar story - overeating without connecting the binge to an emotional upset.

Like so many of us, this client learned from a very early age that she was expected to be helpful, no matter the cost to herself. She had strong, painful memories of being called selfish by her mother and sister, if her needs conflicted with theirs. Her mother was unemotional. Her dad, while kind, was just not around all that much. When she needed care, support or understanding, she was usually criticized for being too needy.

The one place she felt soothed and safe was with food. Food filled up the empty space inside. It calmed her. It was her one haven, till she hit puberty and had a crush on a boy who called her fat. Then, her one safe form of self-care became completely unsafe. She still ate to soothe herself, but now, after a binge, she would yell at herself and criticize herself, even more harshly than her mother and sister did.

What I find hopeful and tender and heart-opening, is that this woman has never stopped trying to take care of herself in the best, and often only ways available to her. First with food, then with a great education she paid for on her own, and then with a high-paying job that allowed her to have therapy, as well as acupuncture and yoga for her back. As much as she was used to self-criticism and shame, there was always this thread of awareness (I need to feel better), that allowed her to keep reaching for more.

As this session progressed, we uncovered more feelings through her physical sensations:

"I feel a burning in my stomach, like heartburn, but lower." (her)
"What does the burning want to tell you?" (me)
"I'm angry. I'm really angry. My sister is so selfish." (her)

It's no mystery that these physical sensations often centered in her belly, her chest and her throat. All along our digestive tract are clusters of neurons that give us our "gut feelings." For emotional eaters, these feelings often get lumped into "hungry" or "empty" and food does a really good job of numbing us out. In therapy, we are just starting to sort out what is physical hunger and what is emotional pain, fear, anger, shame, hope, etc.

At the end of the session I asked her, "If you could have a do-over, what would you want to say or do?"

"I want to tell my sister that it's too bad she didn't make arrangements for herself, but I have to take care of my back, and I'm sure she'll find a way to get to the airport. She always gets what she wants."

"And as you say that out loud, what do you notice in your body or emotionally?" I ask.

"I feel lighter," she says, smiling. "I feel a fullness, a solidness." Her face is lit up. "I think I feel happy!" She says, laughing, surprised.

"And when you look in my eyes, what do you see?" I ask.

"You're happy too. You're happy for me."

"Yes. I'm really happy for you." We both tear up.

This progression from not knowing, to feeling something, to naming anger, and then finding her voice is nothing short of miraculous. Voicing feelings was a punishable offense in this client's family, and the punishment was either getting criticized (shamed) or ignored (devalued). It is going to be essential for this client to keep looking into my eyes and seeing my care for her, my continued presence, my desire to know all of her feelings, my joy in her joy, my compassion for her pain.

Spending time with her, and seeing again and again her commitment to her own happiness and well being tells me that we will convert her shame into compassion and that her urges to eat will become a beacon that tells her when she needs comfort and care. And I know she will show up for herself with kindness and love because those things are already in her.

*This client is an amalgam of many clients over time so that confidentiality is protected.

Resolutions

2011-01-01T12:41:00.000-08:00

I just got my favorite non-diet newsletter, Stay Attuned, from Karin Kratina and Amy Tuttle at Nourishing Connections (http://nourishingconnections.com). They do such a good job of uncovering the harmful messages at the heart of the weight loss commercials that abound every new year.

Personally, I've been bristling at the latest Special K commercials - the ones that ask, "What will you gain when you lose?" What a waste of time to keep measuring our success on the bathroom scale, our happiness by the size of our jeans. Uch. It's enough to make you lose your appetite!

What I really hate are the promises - implicit and explicit - that being thinner will make us happier and more successful. I've been thinner. I gained two things when I was at my thinnest:

The attention of narcissistic men who wanted have sex with me, but had no interest in who I really was.
A temporary reprieve from my own meanness and constant self-criticism, which ended up being no reprieve at all, as it was immediately replaced by the terror that I would soon regain what I'd lost.

In my teens and through most of my twenties, I didn't have the wisdom, strength, perspective or self-awareness to really scrutinize these false promises. I needed to cling to the belief that by controlling my body, I would find love, security, peace - all the things I craved.

It's been a long journey. I've had to grieve the truth, that my parents didn't know how to love and value me as I was (and so I had to teach myself how to do just that). I've had lots of starts and stops. I've had lots of amazing help (especially from Robyn Posin at http://www.forthelittleonesinside.com). And now, at 46, I really know in my bones that what I craved in my twenties could only come from one place: myself.

So today, at the start of this new year, I am recommitting to the resolutions I've made as I've recovered from my eating disorder. Here they are...

I resolve to listen deeply to my body and honor the messages it sends me. I will eat when I'm hungry, stop when I feel fed, and eat what I crave, whether it's brussels sprouts or buttermilk donuts.
When I'm tired, I will rest, and not push through the fatigue.
When my body wants to move, I will dance, walk in the woods, stretch - or anything else that answers the need.
I will not overwork, over-stress, or over-do.
When I feel worried, confused, distressed, sad or angry, I will stop and listen carefully and do whatever I can to bring myself relief.
I will say No to anything that doesn't feel right, even if there is a voice in my head saying, "but you really should..."
I will ask for help and accept kindness whenever it is offered.
I will actively seek out experiences and friendships that make me feel alive and fulfilled.
I will actively stop experiences and relationships that are depleting.
And above all else, I will treat myself with love, gentleness, tenderness, respect and care.

This is my only "diet," and it's the only one that's ever delivered on the promises of love and happiness.

If you find yourself contemplating a diet for the new year, I invite you to stop and listen to what you are really craving, and ask yourself if being thinner will really get you there. Whatever you need to find happiness, you have the power to provide for yourself, regardless of your size.

The Most Expensive Cup of Soup… Ever

2010-12-01T17:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my first day back to work after six days off for the Thanksgiving break. I had slid into a delicious schedule of waking up whenever I wanted, going for long walks in the redwoods, and eating whenever I felt like it.

I wasn't ready to go back to work. I wasn't ready to think ahead or to plan for what I might need at three o'clock when it was only 10 AM. And after a week away from work, there were none of my usual staples in the fridge, no individually wrapped string cheese, no fruit, no left overs from last night's dinner or yesterday's lunch. I cleaned it all out so as to avoid the growth of strange science projects while I was away.

So when three o'clock rolled around, and I had a little break between clients, the only thing in my office was a granola bar. Better than nothing, but not by much. When my day ended at 4:30 PM, I was long past being hungry and in that fugue state where it's probably not even safe to drive, let alone order in the drive-through.

If I'd had my wits about me I would've headed straight to food, without a thought to the “healthiness,” or “good for-you-ness” of that particular food. But my wits however had gone missing. And I found myself driving to my local produce store – a great place to find heads of broccoli, bunches of kale, and even a juicy pear, but in my hunger driven dementia, all I could think was that I had pears at home, so why would I want to buy another one. And it was cold, and I wanted to eat something hot.

So I left the produce store, even hungrier, and headed to Trader Joe's, realizing on the way there, that while they would have delicious things to heat up once I got home, I would have to get home and heat them up. Fortunately I have recently discovered a little hole in the wall right across the parking lot from Trader Joe's–a place where they serve all kinds of sandwiches and… soup. Hot, delicious soup.

That day they had both vegetarian minestrone and minestrone with meatballs. This is exactly what I needed. Hot soup filled with veggies and beans and yummy little meatballs. My tummy was so excited, it couldn't wait. And so I sat in the car, blowing furiously on the hot soup, desperate to get it into my body as quickly as possible. It was truly delicious. Within several spoonfuls, my hunger pains started to subside and I thought, “now I can drive home.”

Having allowed myself to go for that long without eating had not only taken a toll on my ability to think, it apparently wrecked a little havoc on my fine motor skills. So when I went to put the lid on the soup I found it slipping from my fingers. As the first scalding drops hit my lap, my hands instinctively moved as if to throw the soup out the window of my car. The window being closed meant that the soup coated half the window, the door, the door handle, the armrest, the lock button, the window button, the map compartment, the trunk release, the gas cap release, and that several meatballs and kidney beans managed to ricochet onto the back seat and floor mat.

I got myself home, where my husband, bless his intuitive heart, somehow knew that I would be in need of sustenance. I stripped off my minestrone soaked clothing, and sat down to a plate of his stirfried chicken and veggies before mustering the strength to assess the damage to my car. The spilled soup had the consistency of very moist refried beans, and the smell of an Italian restaurant. It took about a half an hour and a half roll of paper towels to get most of it up.

This morning I took my clothes to the cleaners, and my car to be detailed, bringing the total cost of my soup to about $130.

After nearly sixteen years of demand-feeding, you'd think I'd have it down by now. I guess there is always room for more growth. Arggh. I'd like to say "lesson learned," but I know better. So I will just say, lesson reinforced. And now I will go make myself a bag of lunch and snacks for tomorrow :-).

Just when you thought it was safe to go into the kitchen...

2010-11-21T10:08:00.000-08:00

Here we are again. Thanksgiving. Around the corner, Christmas or Hanukah or Kwanza or some other feast lies in wait, ready to make you feel like a little kid again (and not necessarily in the good way). I've stopped celebrating with my family. After the years of conflicting messages (I made this stuffing because you love it. Should you really be eating that much?), I decided to make Thanksgiving my own.

After starting the work of self acceptance and self love, it just became impossible to enjoy a celebratory meal with people who wanted me to keep joining in the chorus of their favorite holiday song (to the tune of Jingle Bells):

I'm so fat
I'm so fat
I can't stand my thighs
You could stand to lose a few
Please pass the pumpkin pie...

A few years ago, my husband and I started the tradition of an orphans' Thanksgiving - not hard to do in the Bay Area, where so many people are transplanted. At the first Thanksgiving without family, I felt liberated. We consciously threw out any "shoulds" that would make the holiday feel like work. We told our friends to bring their favorite Thanksgiving dishes. We bought a smoked turkey, not knowing it would be the best one we'd ever had.

I made my personal favorites, a corn casserole - the recipe taught to me by my old roommate's Southern mom. It's one of those crazy, easy, cheesy yummy recipes - a can of corn (Trader Joes' is sweet and crispy), a can of creamed corn, a bag of shredded cheddar cheese, a jar of pimentos, a half a sheath of crushed saltine crackers, a slightly beaten egg to hold it together and a blob of sour cream for a little extra tang. Mix everything together, reserving some cheese to sprinkle on top. Cook at 325, or 350 or 375 till the cheese on top is bubbly and golden. Yum.

My friend, Shauna, brought her favorite - yams with marshmallows. My friend Shawn brought an old staple from his family's table, cottage cheese (I know, weird, but hey, that was Thanksgiving for him!). Laura brought apple pie with the only crust I've ever liked. And my husband grilled marinated veggies on our barbecue in the rain. It was all so good. But looking back, what I remember most is the ease and comfort, the complete absence of pressure, guilt or remorse about eating. I remember that we laughed a lot that night, a string of Martha Stewart jokes, building on each other.

And I still feel thankful - thankful for the many friends who've taught me that love really can be without condition, without criticism, without body-baggage. I'm thankful for the freedom I've created, from the tyranny of my own inner critic who almost never pops up these days (and even when she does, I know now that she is probably feeling afraid and needs me to soothe her).

And this year, when my mom said, "You could come to our house for Thanksgiving," I was grateful that I have learned to lovingly decline.

What boundaries are you grateful for this year? Are their new ones you'd like to be grateful for in the years to come? What would make this holiday season one that feeds and sustains you without guilt or drama? What do you need in order to give yourself permission to have true joy and peace through the holidays?

NPR Article asks, Can You be Fat and Fit?

2010-07-06T10:19:00.000-07:00

Fitness and thinness are not synonymous as this article from NPR reveals.

Huge - Fat friendly TV???

2010-06-29T18:43:00.000-07:00

Nowhere is our culture's insanity over weight more obvious than television. When I first saw ad's for the new TV series Huge (ABC Family, Monday nights). I felt my antennae go up. Would this be a show that celebrates diversity, or just a fictionalized version of The Biggest Loser?

The jury is still out on that one.

Watching the first episode, I loved Willamina's (Nikki Blonski) refusal to be bullied into self-hatred. Yet her young resolve to love the body she has seems more rooted in rebellion and anger than grounded in real self-love. I don't know if this is a bad thing. After all, the path to self-love and self-acceptance at any size is rarely a straight line. I know a few very mature adults, even some card-carrying members of NAAFA (National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance), who have struggled with self-acceptance.

The camp setting of the show provides a good microcosm of the pressures we face in this culture to conform - if not to thinness, then at least to self-contempt for failing to conform to that ideal. The "veterans" in the camp are quick to let Amber (Hayley Hasselhoff) know that she can have any guy at the camp, by virtue of the fact that she is not AS fat as some of the others.

This is a pressure that many of us know and feel, regardless of our age, our size, our sexual orientation, even our marital status. Looking "hot" or sexy (which in our culture means thin) is equated with having social status. Thinness promises a sense of belonging and value - among the most basic of human needs. Thinness promises a shield from humiliation - explored in this show when the seam in Amber's shorts split.

The question now is, will the show honor size diversity? Or will the campers (and our poor psyches along with theirs) succumb to the shame doled out by the Nazi exercise counselor?

I'd love to hear your feedback on this one. Have you seen the show? What are your thoughts?

Self Acceptance, Revisited

2010-03-30T09:33:00.000-07:00

I've said it before, but it never stops being true. Until you are safe in your own skin, you can't be safe anywhere.

Emotional eating goes hand in hand with self-judgment. You tell yourself you shouldn't be hungry (I just ate an hour ago, how could I be hungry again?). You tell yourself you shouldn't want cake (Why can't I just be satisfied with a salad?). You tell yourself you should be thinner (I look awful... I'm so fat... My cellulite is so bad, people can ski the moguls of my thighs).

When your inner critic judges you, you are left with shame, and a self divided. One part of you is harsh, critical, and unloving. The other feels judged, punished, and unlovable.

Common wisdom says, change the parts you don't like so you can love yourself. If you operate under this belief, you may already be realizing something very important. It doesn't work. No one has ever hated or judged themselves into happiness.

When you're hating yourself, hating your body, the only way out is to explore and heal the shame.

For most of us, shame is circular. Initially, we may have been judged by someone else - classmates, a critical parent, a spouse or lover. The judgment was never questioned, never confronted. Boundaries were never set (It's not okay for anyone to criticize your looks. Ever).

You believed that you had a problem. It was your fault, and yours to fix. You believed that the only way to ensure you were safe from judgment was to fix the problem. Then you set about criticizing yourself in order to motivate change.

But there is another part of you, the one being judged, who knows that what she really wants is not thinness. It's love. She knows that love based on her looks is not really love at all. She knows that for love to be real and lasting and always safe, it has to be unconditional. She needs to be loved at any size, at any weight, no matter what.

So whenever your inner critic puts you on a diet or tells you no more carbs, the other part of you says, Oh yeah? I'm eating whatever I want, and you can't stop me! Usually this part doesn't have much of a voice. Instead, you just find yourself standing in the kitchen eating frozen cheesecake out of a box, wondering, Why am I eating this?

Transforming the inner critic
Instead of trying to change your body, what would it be like to change your inner critic? What if you spent time looking in the mirror each day, practicing just being with yourself in a non-judgmental way?

Most of the time, when I recommend mirror work to clients (which is done... naked), what comes up is fear. They don't want to see themselves. They don't want to feel the harshness of the inner critic coming down on them, confirming their worst fear - that they are hideous and unlovable. But those that do the work find something very different begins to happen. When they practice just being with themselves, noticing themselves, describing themselves without judgment, the inner critic starts to get quieter.

In time, a new voice emerges - the voice of self-love. When you can look at your whole self with care, with kindness, with sweetness, you become a safe person to live with. You become a great roommate. And the safety and care you create within then becomes all the protection you need in the world. When you are in loving relationship with yourself, you can be in loving relationship with the world.

New Years' Resolutions for Emotional Eaters

2010-01-06T14:42:00.000-08:00

If you are like most people who turn to food to soothe feelings, you probably started a new diet on Jan 2nd, or maybe this past Monday (who really starts a diet on the weekend?). Now it's Wednesday. You may be powering along, feeling like this time for sure, you'll lose the weight and keep it off. Maybe you're still following the diet, but you're at that phase where you've started dreaming about forbidden food. Or maybe you're battling with yourself, wanting cookies but gnawing celery. Or you may have already slipped or cheated or had a full scale binge.

Because that's the cycle. And it's all part of the emotional eating problem. Diets don't fix the feelings that make you turn to food. In fact, dieting, like overeating, is part of the compulsion. It keeps your focus on food (in this case, not eating it). Your thoughts become obsessive, counting grams of this or ounces of that, weeks till you hit your goal. It's just another way of avoiding or escaping your internal emotional world.

And since 95% of diets fail within the first 2 years, there is a good chance that you will cheat or binge, feel all kinds of guilt and shame, and then have to eat more to escape the bad feelings until the next wave of dieting kicks in. Dieting gives the illusion that you are "getting somewhere," when in fact, you are on a merry-go-round making endless circles (or as my friend, Jill says, the treadmill of rumination).

This year, I want to invite you to try a different sort of diet all together. Since you eat to soothe and escape bad feelings, I want you to consider a diet that restricts self-induced guilt and shame. The goal of this diet is to become a safe, nurturing and loving person to live with (because you are the roommate who will never leave).

Here's the plan, written in the form of New Years' Resolutions

I will not yell at myself or beat myself up for turning to food when I feel bad. In fact, I will not yell at myself, period.
I will abstain from activities that fuel my inner critic including things like: Magazines and TV programs/ads that emphasize weight loss and achieving the perfect body; engaging in conversations about diets, fat, exercise, health or anything else that is really body hatred in disguise; spending time with people who think it’s okay to judge or criticize my eating habits or body; using clothes shopping as a reward for weight loss/depriving myself of nice clothes right now
When I overeat, I will practice kindness, gently wondering what happened that felt painful, scary or difficult, that I needed to escape.
I will actively seek help, learning to identify my emotions, and develop ways to be loving and present for myself when I feel bad, so that one day, I won't need or want to turn to food to escape.
I will actively look for friends who are accepting, loving, and who model healthy self-care.
I will not allow anyone to bully me about my size or weight, not my spouse, my doctor or even my mother.
I will find something beautiful in everyone I meet, teaching myself to see my own beauty.
I will practice treating myself the same way I would treat my dearest friend, with love and kindness, respect and compassion.
I will listen care-fully to my hungers and cravings - for food, for rest, for security, for fun, for space, for quiet, for friends, for love, for self-acceptance.
I will honor those hungers and cravings to the best of my ability whenever possible, and when I can't, I will still be present and loving for myself.

You already know that dieting doesn't work. You already know that self-criticism doesn't work. So maybe this is the year to try something new. As you practice self-love, you may find that your weight problem is no longer a problem. But that's not the real gift. The real gift is spending every moment of your life with someone safe, loving and nurturing - YOU.

...but no one will love me if I'm fat

2009-11-25T15:07:00.000-08:00

I just had a great walk/talk with my friend Aaron. Like so many men in our culture, he was indoctrinated into the belief that tall, skinny women are sexy. But he shared that that's not what he's really attracted to. What he really likes are short, curvy women.

When a friend points out a tall, skinny girl and says "She's hot!," Aaron doesn't get it. He remembers going out with those tall, skinny girls, thinking he should like them, then finding himself losing interest.

"Now, finally at 40," he says, "I can own that I really like shorter, heavier women. For a lot of guys, it's hard to acknowledge this. It's not what we're supposed to want."

I was so delighted to hear him acknowledge this truth. Clearly it's not just Aaron or my own sweet hubby who are attracted to REAL women. Otherwise only the skinny people would pair off.

The next time you find yourself lamenting that you have to lose weight to find love, remind yourself of Aaron, and all the other guys out there who will want you and love you exactly as you are. Beauty comes in all kinds of packages.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Eating In Captivity: A Holiday Story

2009-11-05T15:57:00.000-08:00

When I was young, food was mostly forbidden. My mother controlled what we ate diligently, determined her family would not get fat. She doled out glasses of nonfat milk, and diet Shasta Cherry Cola. She stir-fried leftover chicken with broccoli or cauliflower (ew!). For herself, there was always a bag of malted milk balls, hidden atop the fridge in a big wooden bowl. My primary form of exercise was climbing the counter to get to that bowl.

My mother also loved to entertain. Thanksgiving was a huge production with family and friends. The meal was channeled to my mother through Gourmet Magazine. In the living room before we ate, our guests were treated to room temperature Brie cheese and water crackers - things that were absent from our home the rest of the year. The turkey was served with chestnut stuffing, gravy made from the pan drippings and butter, potatoes whipped fluffy with cream and more butter. Vegetables were there too, though not my personal focus. And after the meal, my mother served her famous sinful chocolate cake - basically a cake-shaped disk of dark chocolate ganache covered in a shiny chocolate glaze.

My mother laughed with her guests and reveled in their compliments about her food, her table, her decor. But she kept a watchful eye on us too. A reach for seconds of those potatoes was sure to be met with a raised eyebrow, a nonverbal message which clearly said, "you don't need that."

It was torture to finally have access to really good food, and have to pretend not to want it. I learned from my older sisters to get around my mother's watchful eye by clearing the table. After dinner, one of us would clear the leftover brie from the living room, so the guests could retire there. In the kitchen my sisters and I would share slices of cheese, no matter how full we might be from dinner. When the guests left the dining room, we took the plates to the sink and then descended on the bowls of food. As we transferred their contents to tupperware, we had the seconds we craved. This was after all one of our only days of indulgence, a furlough from food jail.

The holidays are always a difficult time for emotional eaters. But they are that much worse for those of us who've endured tightly controlled eating or restrictive diets - whether it was our mothers, coaches, or ourselves who enforced the rules.

Ironically, the tighter the control, the more we eat. Like refugees, we grab every morsel we can during a binge or while "cheating," because the threat of going back into food jail looms large.

This holiday season, I invite you to do things differently. If it would feel good or be interesting, close down food jail. If restricting food makes you want (and eat) more when it's finally available, lift the restrictions and see what happens. If you love stuffing, start having stuffing now instead of waiting till turkey-day. And notice, if stuffing is no longer forbidden, do you overeat it?

After many years now of eating what I want, when I want, I am always tickled to find myself eating comfortably (instead of getting over-stuffed) at Thanksgiving. Without the watchful eye of my mother (or my inner critic) waiting to get me into trouble, I just eat what I want. And when I feel full I stop. If I want mashed potatoes with gravy again the next day, I have them. If I want turkey with cranberries and stuffing in July, I make it. When food is freely available, it all gets so much easier.

A Note to a Colleague

2009-08-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

I recently answered a question posed by a colleague about sugar addiction. Since there's so much misinformation about this idea, I thought I'd share my response here...

Dear J,

I subscribe to the non-diet approach pioneered by therapists like Jane Hirschmann and Carol Munter (see their book, Overcoming Overeating). I also like to be really clear that sugar has never been shown to be an addictive substance, but that there may be a psychological dependence on sugar or carbohydrates because of the calming effects they have on the body. All addictions, obsessions and compulsions are about managing anxiety, after all.

Often clients will avoid certain foods or food groups in an effort to maintain control. And as we know, control is a hallmark of addictive thoughts and behaviors, whether trying to control food intake, alcohol intake or even the co-dependent trying to control others. Control (or the illusion) makes us less anxious.

Where abstinence works well for substances we don't need like alcohol or drugs, it's a flawed model when it comes to food. Fortunately, the body has its own self-regulating mechanism, hunger and fullness. I find it useful to encourage clients to define abstinence as eating according to these natural, built-in mechanisms. If they are eating when hungry and stopping when full, they are being abstinent. No food plan can determine when they get hungry or how much they need to feel sated.

Then, when they are not abstinent, I work with any tendencies toward shame or self-flagellation. It becomes evident at some point that if they are eating to soothe painful feelings, then creating more pain through self-blame is counter-productive. As an inner voice of compassion develops, binges, or behaviors of deprivation (both are non-abstinence) become opportunities to look at the anxiety that needed to be soothed through eating or deprivation. As such the disordered eating becomes a friend, a guide to when something's not right.

What if it’s Not About the Food? Sharing my Personal Struggle with Food and How Healing Happened…

2009-05-11T18:49:00.000-07:00

Hi All,

Here is another guest post. This is from Ondina Hatvany, MFT. I hope Ondina's personal experience helps you know you're not alone, and there is hope for everyone who struggles with emotional eating.

“The constant craving for that chocolate chip cookie that won’t let up, until finally I can’t stand it anymore and give in…. Before I know it, the whole pack is gone… numb relief, coupled with self disgust because I feel so out of control. When will this nightmare ever end???” (excerpt from Ondina’s Diary Dec 1982)

Yes, I was once a food addict and at the whims of emotional eating bouts that left me exhausted and filled with self loathing. At the time I thought I would never find a way out of the not so merry-go-round of the fasting/ feasting cycle that had it’s grip on me. The breakthrough was when I first began to make the connection that perhaps it was not about the food… so, what was it about then? Here’s that story:

1985 in London, during the throes of my compulsive binge eating days, I was invited to a community in Scotland called Findhorn that was famous for its’ unexplained phenomenon of being able to grow record sized vegetables and fruits out of sandy soils. I spent a magical week living close to the land, eating fresh fruits and vegetables and meeting many interesting people. Needless to say, this was a welcome break from my unhealthy London life!

However, as soon as I was back in London, I hit the sweet shops driven by a compulsion that seemed stronger than me. I was on a massive sugar binge. Miserable and filled with self hatred, all of the magic of Findhorn disappeared. I was right back to square one, except now, it was worse because I had tasted something different. I felt trapped by the prospect of a future with this constant battle against food and my body.

That night I got a call from a new friend I had made at Findhorn. When he asked me how I was doing I decided to tell him the truth. Being at rock bottom, I figured I had nothing to lose. I shared with him hesitantly because I was so ashamed by my excursions.

His response was simple but it changed everything: ” Maybe you are looking for more sweetness in your life?”

It was an “Ah-Ha!” moment that changed everything: I felt seen!

I suddenly got that I was trying fulfill my emotional needs from food. There was a lot more going on here than mere over-eating.

Discovering the link of this emotional component with my struggle around food was the beginning of my healing journey. A journey that continues to this day as I explore with clients ways to break through compulsive binge eating, bulimia, anorexia and all the variations of emotional eating and food addictions.

Gone are the days waking up and dreading facing another day around food. Nurturing myself has become a great pleasure in life. This has created more freedom with food and my body image than I ever would have believed possible!

I share my story in the hope that others who struggle with emotional eating and food addiction might realize that freedom from vicious cycles of food, weight and body image issues IS possible. You might want to start with getting curious about the question: “What if it’s not about the food?”

Ondina has offices in Mill Valley and San Francisco. You can find her website at:
http://www.ondinawellness.com/

Overeating: A Response to Dangerous Needs

2009-05-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

Today we have a guest post from Ben Ringler who is working toward his license as a Marriage and Family Therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area. It's always great to find new therapists who understand the roots of emotional eating. Ben offers us insight into how we may be eating in response to needs that feel dangerous...

Overeating: A Response to Dangerous Needs
Generally speaking, we live in a culture of addiction. Many of us make efforts to simultaneously avoid and fill ourselves because we are afraid to feel any emptiness, pain, anger or even pleasure. Anything can serve our addictions, drugs, television, sex, relationships, work and, commonly, food. Especially in our country, where we have abundant amounts of food, fast food restaurants on many street corners, supermarkets the size of small cities, eating beyond our body’s needs is common.

Challenge and Opportunity
Because food addresses some of our need for nourishment and pleasure, overeating is both challenging to overcome and an amazing opportunity for growth and self-acceptance. Challenging because we cannot avoid food like we can alcohol or drugs. We need to eat to food to survive. So, those who tend to overeat are consistently faced with their impulse to eat greater amounts of food (and types) than necessary. Opportunity because there are plenty of chances to become aware of the dynamic associated with overeating.

Eating Away Our Own Needs
How we eat often reflects how we relate to ourselves. Specifically, the way we eat is a mirror for how we feel about our own needs and how we go about getting our needs met. For many, having needs is (perceived as) dangerous. As such, the need to eat (or any other need that arises) is going to be anxiety producing and perhaps rattle the sense of inner safety. In response, overeating is one way that many have discovered to maintain a sense of safety from an inner world of unsatisfied and dangerous needs. For some, eating in large quantities may be a welcome pause from the anxiety of experiencing needs as dangerous.

Dangerous Needs
On an unconscious level, there are many who feel that their needs are dangerous. When those needs begin to arise, a sense of safety is rattled. As a result, one shoves those needs (and the fear of them) way down, often with food. Those who experience this were most likely either shamed and/or attacked or neglected and/or abandoned when they needed someone or something as a child. Their caretakers were unable to be with their own unmet needs while attending to a child’s. A chain of perceived dangerous needs is created. The unfortunate by-product is the association of needs arising with either attack or abandonment. As a survival mechanism, their needs (and the pain associated with them) were hidden from view.

Transformation through Inquiry
Food gives us a sense of substance, grounding, so there is some energetic basis for eating as providing a sense of inner safety. The question is, are our needs really dangerous? We can change our patterns over time when we begin to accept our behavior and face the truth of what drives these urges to overeat. From this perspective, if we begin to get in touch with our own needs, and the feelings we have associated with them, we can begin to break the chain of overeating as compensation.

Think about how you eat. First, bring awareness to the chain of thoughts, feelings and actions that lead up to a meal. Are you in need of food or is there something else? When you feel hungry, do you feel anxiety? Are there a lot of thoughts about what to eat? Do you fight yourself about what to eat? When you finally choose and sit down (or drive thru) for a meal, become aware of this process; can you taste the food? Are you anxious? Do you beat yourself up? How does your body feel? When you are complete, do you beat yourself up? Do you regret? How is your body now? Do you vow to do it differently the next time? Notice the repetition of these thoughts and feelings around eating.

Continue to notice each time you eat. Notice how you might resist noticing. You can begin at any time, anywhere. At one time, you adeptly learned to use food to keep yourself in tact and safe. You did the best you could and continue to. Keep that as a mantra as you simply notice how you relate to the overeating process now. This increased awareness will undoubtedly, over time, change you. New choices will emerge. It is not a question of will. Rather it is accepting the lessons that the behavior of overeating have to show you. Overeating is a doorway.

Ben Ringler is a registered MFT intern #52936, supervised by Patricia Herrera, MFT #37738
He can be reached at (510) 848-8899 or on the web at www.BenRingler.com

Ben brings up some ideas that are rich with opportunities to explore. How has it felt wrong, bad or unsafe to be "needy?" I'd love to see your comments!

This posting needs only two words...

2009-04-17T16:52:00.000-07:00

Susan Boyle

See the youtube video here.

Then listen to her recording of Cry Me a River here.

Then go follow your dreams. It's never too late. You are not too fat. The world needs you. When you honor yourself, the rest of the world will honor you too.

Is the Mirror Your Enemy?

2009-03-05T20:41:00.000-08:00

If you're an emotional eater, the mirror can really activate your inner critic, bringing up feelings of shame, comparing yourself to others or how you used to be (or wish you were). You could be feeling just fine and then, passing a plate glass window, get a view of yourself in profile and feel terrible. Suddenly your inner critic is unleashed, beating you up for everything you've ever put in your mouth. Ouch!

Common wisdom will tell you that the solution to this problem is simple: go on a diet. But if you're an emotional eater, it's just not that simple. Often the feelings of shame about your weight or size are what drive you to eat - using food to soothe the pain. And, even if you do lose weight, you may never feel thin enough or continue to find fault with different parts of your body. Dieting is not the answer to problems with body shame.

Ironically, the answer is in the mirror! By consciously using the mirror to practice neutral self descriptions, you can begin de-programming the automatic responses of your inner critic - un-brainwashing yourself, if you will.

I'm not recommending positive affirmations where you stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful your belly is when you really think it's horrible. Instead, try looking in the mirror and describing your body without any judgment, positive or negative. Here's an example:

"My arm is pale on the inside and darker on the outside. It's wider at the top and then gets narrower at my elbow, a little wider at my forearm and then narrower at my wrist."

For many people it's easier to get started by making a list of body parts and then ranking them easiest to hardest to look at. You may spend a week getting used to talking about your hands or your eyes in neutral terms. Then you might move on to your shoulders or knees. Each person is different, so there is no right or wrong way to do this. Take your time and gently nudge yourself toward the more difficult parts only when you feel ready.

By practicing mirror work, there will come a time when you can look at every part of yourself from a neutral place. This is the path to true self acceptance.

Holiday Eating

2008-12-30T22:53:00.000-08:00

There's nothing like the holidays to tweak your eating. My early memories of holidays involve special foods that my mom only made once a year, and usually only for company. If it was my job to put out appetizers, then I would always sneak bites here and there, being careful to hide any evidence of my eating. What I liked even better was clearing the table after the meal. As I carried the last of the potatoes or chocolate cake back to the kitchen I would secretly eat more of these "bad" foods - dishes I had to take tiny portions of during the meal, under my mother's watchful eye.

Even long time followers of the mindful eating/non-diet approach often find this time of year particularly challenging. It's also a wonderful time to notice what comes up. Holiday foods can bring up feelings of deprivation (I can only have this at Thanksgiving or Christmas or Hanukah...). Stressful family dynamics that lay dormant from January 5th through November 20th can suddenly emerge. Holidays can bring up old, unresolved hurts. And often the new year can lead to fears about the future or regrets about the past.

All told, it's the perfect recipe for emotional eating.

If you've been using food to self-soothe or distract yourself from uncomfortable emotions this holiday season, please don't beat yourself up or promise to go on another punishing diet or exercise program. Instead, see what it would feel like to be as kind to yourself as you would be with a dear friend. There is a reason you've turned to food, even if you don't know exactly what that reason is. Punishing yourself will only make you hurt more - and need to reach to food again to feel better.

If possible, gently observe (or recall) the events and emotions that have been present for you during this time. What feelings, thoughts or words did you have to stuff? If you could have soothed yourself with words, hugs, or tenderness, what would have helped?

Results Not Typical

2008-06-07T14:02:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at home, vegging in front of the TV. Queen Latifah is doing her latest Jenny Craig commercial - sharing her happiness at being a "size active." I wish the message really was that we can all be proud of ourselves, active, healthy and happy regardless of size. But standing next to Q.L. is a much thinner woman - we get to see her "before" and "after" pictures - showing that she's lost a significant amount of weight. And in the corner of the screen in small letters reads the caption: Results not typical.

All diets - Jenny's included have a 90% failure rate at the 3-year mark. There are so many reasons for this. Some of it is plain old biology - each of us has a natural weight coded into our DNA - and our natural weight may not be thin.

I know this is a hard one to accept for a lot of people. The messages we get repeatedly (so often that we are actually brainwashed into believing) tell us that we are all meant to be thin. If we are fat - it's a sign of something wrong that must be fixed. So, we turn to diets, to pills, to gyms, to coaches, to hypnosis - anything we think will "fix" us.

Sometimes, fatness is just a normal body type. Other times, there is an emotional component - we may "hunger" for something, but we are not physically hungry. This hunger is even felt in the body. The belly and heart have the largest clusters of neurons outside the brain - which is why we have "gut feelings," and "heartfelt moments."

Often we are hungry for soothing, understanding, connection, support, acceptance. What's crazy-making is that by going on a diet, you are basically saying to yourself, "I'm not acceptable, or lovable, or worthwhile as I am." If you hunger for unconditional love and acceptance, then the diet is a set up for failure.

If you eat to soothe, but you are getting the unsettling message that you're not okay as you are - then you'll need to do something to soothe that unsettled feeling. You may be able to calm yourself with exercise, stress reduction, or some kind of distraction for a while. But eventually you will probably turn to the thing that works best and fastest - food. This is one reason why 90% of dieters regain all the weight they lose.

What to do? Stop dieting - throwing money and energy away on pills and programs that are destined to fail. Work toward accepting yourself as you are right now. This is hard. Repetition and emotional intensity have brainwashed you into believing that fat is ugly, undesirable and unhealthy. However, more and more people have found ways to re-educate themselves and redefine beauty. Books like Zaftig and Fat!So?, movies like Too Beautiful for You, Hairspray and Real Women Have Curves can help provide a "counter-chorus" to the never-ending media messages about thinness.

Focus on health, rather than weight loss. Exercise comfortably and move your body in ways that feel good. You don't have to "burn" any part of yourself to be active and get your heart-rate up. Consult your MD or a professional trainer who is not going to push you to lose weight for safe ways to incorporate movement into your life. Pat Lyons and Kelly Bliss both offer books and internet support for exercise at every size.

Upgrade nutritional content rather than downgrading calories. Eat organically if you can afford it. Eat more whole foods and less processed or refined foods. Talk with a doctor or nutritionist who follows the non-diet approach to health. Google "fat positive" and explore the links for more support.

Accepting who you really are inside and out is a daunting task for many of us. You may have spent a lifetime making yourself a "fixer-upper" project. Self acceptance may mean remembering and mourning the painful times you've been shamed or rejected. It may mean learning to protect yourself from well-meaning others who continue to say rude, shaming things about you or your body. It may mean seeking out people who can and will truly love you just as you are.

When you create the safety of self acceptance, then you can have real results - results that ARE typical include - more laughter, more love, and more freedom to enjoy life.

Eating is not a Moral Issue

2008-03-26T15:57:00.000-07:00

How often have you heard someone (maybe yourself) say, "I was so bad today, I ate a bag of cookies." Or conversely, "I've been good all day, I only had 1200 calories."

When we make food about goodness or badness, we take away our power to really know and understand our RELATIONSHIP with food, our bodies, and ultimately ourselves.

When we are "good," we give ourselves approval, possibly rewards, and perhaps, unconsciously allow ourselves to bathe in the invisible approval of a parent or other authority figure. When we are "bad" we shame and blame ourselves, punish ourselves, and bathe in imagined rejection or disapproval.

This whole process - whether "good" or "bad" really serves to distance us from the important question... Am I hungry?

If you are hungry, but not eating (or not eating enough) in order to be "good," then you are abandoning yourself - punishing yourself for past eating or potential future eating.

If you are not hungry, but are eating, then maybe you're not just being "bad." Maybe you are feeling empty, hungry for love, sleep, time, freedom...

When you make food a moral issue, you never allow yourself to get to the heart of the problem. Instead you get consumed with feelings of shame or avoidance of shame.

So for a day (longer if you like), try legalizing food. Eat when you're hungry. Eat what you're craving. And if you eat more than your body is hungry for, use that experience as an opportunity to be CURIOUS rather than ashamed. "I wonder what I'm really hungry for," will open you up to a kinder, more nurturing relationship with yourself. And if you're hungry for more kindness and nurturing, then this process may lessen the times when you eat to fill emotional emptiness!

Taking Ourselves Lightly

2008-03-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

My last post is, yes, silly, but I really think we have a lot to learn about being happy, following our hearts, living in the moment, and accepting ourselves - from our animal friends.

On my own journey from emotional eating, I started out with a belief that my happiness was wrapped up in my looks. If I met the cultural criteria: thin, young, sexy, I could feel good about myself.

But there was always a catch. Either I wasn't thin enough, or I was thin enough, but knew I couldn't sustain myself on a diet for too much longer. And soon enough, youth would be gone.

Allowing myself to judge and be judged by these criteria meant my happiness and freedom had to endlessly be earned. In the movie biz, they say, "you're only as good as you're last picture." In the diet biz, you're only as good as you're last weigh-in.

Living this way is crazy. And what is it we're actually earning? What I discovered, was that I didn't really like having friends and lovers who would judge me based on my appearance. It was like having an anvil hanging over my head, held in place by a very thin thread.

When I realized it was not my weight that was causing my insecurity (which was there whether I was thin or fat), but my own self-judgment, that's when my life finally began to change.

While it's not easy to shift the painful, negative thoughts and emotions that come with self-judgment, it is possible (and preferential to living under the anvil!).

So take a lesson from your favorite 4-legged friend. You really are lovable, just as you are this minute. You are good enough. You don't have to earn friendship, affection, kindness or respect. You just have to start giving these things to yourself, unconditionally and in abundance. As your self-treatment changes, you will teach others, by example, how to treat you. Those who are too entrenched in their own judgment will fall away. It's okay to let them go. You deserve better.

The Feline Diet

2008-03-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

My cats have no problem with their bodies. They display them shamelessly, give themselves endless tongue baths, and when they want affection, nudge themselves right under my laptop, book, etc., and assume (rightfully) that it is now "their turn."

My cats also have no problem with food. Despite the lack of opposable thumbs, they eat whenever they want, whatever they want. They don't worry about empty calories or getting enough vegetables. They are not ashamed to play with their food - especially if it's still moving.

After many years of careful observation, I have noticed that my cats do follow some rules about eating and exercise. Since my cats have the best self esteem of anyone I know, I think maybe we could benefit from their diet. So here it is:

Never eat anything unless you're in the mood for it. Unless you happen to be really, really hungry. Then eat the smallest amount that will get you through till something better is served.
Eat the exact same thing for 3 - 5 days. Then don't eat it again for 3 - 5 weeks (if ever).
Play with your food.
As soon as you smell chicken, stop what you're doing and sing an opera aria until you get a bite.
As soon as you smell fish, be really nice to the person making it until they give you some. Then, ignore them as before.
Eat chicken skin. It's the best part. If there's any more, have more. Feel free to lick the plate unashamedly.
Take a long sponge bath after every meal or snack.
Take a long nap after every sponge bath.

Exercise:

Sprint for 30 seconds after you poop.
Stretch whenever you shift from one activity to another.
Stretch or take an immediate sponge bath whenever you do something embarrassing.
Stretch whenever you've been napping for more than 30 minutes (then nap some more).
Jump off impossibly high things. If it's the middle of the night, jump onto something terribly loud and crashy.
Jump onto incredibly high things. If you miss, see step 3.
Knead things.
Chase invisible beings.
Crouch low to the ground and stalk prey.
Pounce when you find something good. If in mid pounce you discover you were mistaken, become completely dorky for about ten seconds and do a Jerry Lewis imitation. Then go back to step 3.
When you find a sunny spot, position yourself square in the middle of it and roll around on your back. Then nap till the sun moves.
Feel free to nap between (or in the middle of) any exercise.

The Disease of Dieting

2008-03-01T18:59:00.000-08:00

When I lose the weight, then I'll...

If I exercise 45 minutes a day, 5 days a week, I'll burn an extra...

I can eat 3 ounces of chicken, 1/2 an apple, and 1 cup of skim...

In 16 weeks I should be a size...

Are these the kinds of thoughts rolling around your head? If they are then you've got diet-itis. Diet-itis is a severely under-diagnosed disease marked by compulsive counting and planning for when you get thinner.

This disease goes undiagnosed because in our culture, thinness is seen as a desireable goal - one to attain at almost any cost.

What are the costs of diet-itis?

The primary cost is terrible anxiety. All of the counting and planning is really a way to distract themselves from the fear of gaining weight and all that that fear symbolizes (rejection, abandonment, judgment...).
Another cost is loss of time. People spend so much time counting, weighing, measuring, planning, fantasizing, and comparing, that they don't ever get to live in the moment.
Along with the loss of time, is the loss of living fully. Since permission to live fully is contingent on being a certain weight or size, pleasure, fun, relationships, careers and all kinds of experiences are off limits for people with this disease.
In the most severe cases, people develop eating disorders, anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder - in which the feelings of shame, chaos and anxiety turn into eating behaviors of severe control or loss of control.

If you (or someone you love) has diet-itis, be kind, gentle and patient. Remember that under the compulsion to restrict food or burn calories lies the fear of being judged and rejected.

While it seems like the way out is to comply with social values and lose weight, this only compounds the problem. Instead, the way out is to develop an unconditionally accepting "inner ally." A part of the self that NEVER judges or rejects, but provides compassion and kindness for the pain, fear and shame.

For help developing this inner ally, therapy and hypnosis are invaluable. Another amazing resource are the Rememberings and Celebrations cards offered by Robyn Posin at www.forthelittleonesinside.com.

Have you seen "How to Look Good Naked"?

2008-01-08T17:25:00.000-08:00

When I first heard about this show, I felt a mixture of hope and trepidation. Would this really be a show about self acceptance? Or would it be an excuse to further shame women? Much to my relief, the first episode was kind and supportive.

As a therapist, I loved how the host, Carson, helped Layla see herself through the eyes of others - as a real, normal woman. So much of what we need to feel good about ourselves is a "reality check." And in a world where we park ourselves in front of a box of actresses and models who are abnormally thin, tucked, lifted and airbrushed, it's hard to know what normal (and beautiful) really is.

While the transformation from shame to self-acceptance happened way faster than I see in my clients, the process is the same. We need to transform our inner critic into an ally. One great way to do this is by confronting the distortions our inner critic holds about our bodies. We tend to see ourselves as less attractive than others see us. And for some reason, we convince ourselves that our distortions are correct - that others are just "being nice."

We live in a distorted culture - one that tells us we must have thin, smooth, muscled, long limbed bodies in order to be lovable and/or successful. This is completely false. We need love - unconditional, supportive, kind, respectful love. We need to know we are entitled to be our best selves no matter our size, shape, age, etc.

Thanks to Carson and to Lifetime for creating and airing this show. Now, let's see if they can ditch the diet commercials!!!

Inner Child Work

2007-09-24T13:23:00.000-07:00

I recently attended a workshop with Carol Munter – one of the authors of Overcoming Overeating. She co-led with Robyn Posin, a psychotherapist from Ojai who has a website based on her inner-child work, called “For the Little Ones Inside.”

Robyn has spent much of her life devoted to honoring, allowing, cultivating and celebrating the feminine, nurturing and loving aspects of the self. In the workshop, I realized that those of us struggling with food, weight and body image OFTEN have deep mothering wounds – feelings or beliefs that we were too much for our mothers – that we wore them out or needed too much. Some of us experienced competition with our mothers. Others felt controlled by our mothers. And still others of us learned to distance ourselves from our mothers, valuing our fathers’ ways of being – for whatever reason.

These mothering wounds stay with us into adulthood, leaving us always HUNGRY for:

Unconditional love and acceptance
Recognition of our feminine strength and power
Respect for our intuitive knowing
Permission to move at our own pace, in our own ways, as we give birth to ideas, experiences and aspects of ourselves

Our relationship with food is but a doorway to FEEDING our hearts, souls and minds.

For more information about Robyn’s work, visit www.forthelittleonesinside.com. Be sure to click her link, Eating My Way Home.

Edna Turnblad

2007-08-09T15:27:00.000-07:00

Have you seen Hairspray (the remake) yet? I LOVE this movie. And I especially love watching the transformation of Edna Turnblad (played by John Travolta) from frumpy, shameful, shut-in, to glorious, glamorous activist.

With the encouragement of daughter Tracy (Nikki Blonsky) and Motormouth Maybelle (Queen Latifah), Edna realizes that it's okay to "live large." It doesn't hurt to have a husband (Christopher Walken playing Wilbur Turnblad) who really loves and appreciates Edna for exactly who she is.

But is this "happy ending" just a movie fantasy? NO!

It's really important when you're working on size and self-acceptance to remember that the movies (and tv and magazines) usually portray a very skewed view of human (especially women's) bodies. The average woman in the United States wears a size 14. That's AVERAGE (aka normal). If you believe what you see in the media, it's too easy to compare yourself and fall short.

Real women come in all shapes and sizes. We have fat deposits on our hips, bellies and thighs. Our boobs are uneven. We get acne and wrinkles. AND, we find partners who love us and desire us, exactly as we are (just like Edna).

If this is hard to believe, go outside. Walk around a mall, a supermarket, anywhere that people congregate. Notice who's alone and who's together. You won't see all the perfect people coupled up and the imperfect single. You'll see a mix.

Love isn't about perfection. It's about connection.

Pressure to be Thin

2007-06-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago, a radio commercial for some diet product announced, "No one wants to be fat!" We take this statement for granted in our culture. In fact, it may be an understatement. We are conditioned to fear fat, to feel disgusted by fat in our food and on our bodies. We come up with all kinds of judgments about fat people, assuming that if someone is fat, she must be lazy or weak. He must lack willpower or just not care about himself.

When I ask my students and clients why they want to be thin, the answer always boils down to this: They don't want to be judged or treated badly based on their size, weight or shape. If you read my last post on anxiety, you can see how the fear of judgment can actually lead to compulsive eating! We want to feel "good enough." If we feel fat (not good enough) we get anxious. Needing to soothe that anxiety, we eat.

It makes sense that we are meant to come in all different shapes in sizes. In nature, that's the way it works! What doesn't make sense is assigning a value to one size or shape over another. We all deserve to feel attractive, worthwhile, secure, and loveable regardless of our size or weight. It helps to look at the prejudice against fat through the same lens as any other prejudice. We know that it's not okay to judge or discriminate against women, people of color, or people in wheelchairs. We need help to realize that it's also not okay to judge or discriminate against people of different sizes.

We need this help because we are conditioned by the culture we live in. We internalize the messages we hear repeated over and over again. And the message we keep hearing is, "No one wants to be fat." I invite you to repeat a new message to yourself: "People are meant to come in all shapes and sizes."

Catch yourself when you have a judgmental thought about your body or someone else's. Question the judgment.

Where is it really coming from?
Is it just conditioning?
Is it fear?
What would you rather think?

Resources:

http://www.bodypositive.com/

Anxiety: The Heart of Addictions and Compulsions

2007-04-25T15:58:00.000-07:00

We tend to think of Addictions and Compulsive behaviors as problems that stand alone. Once the addiction or compulsion is stopped, everything is okay. And while recovery from an addiction or compulsion is a huge relief, it is also essential to heal the underlying emotions. As George Carlin once said, “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."

So what’s under the addiction or compulsion?
It all starts with anxiety - specifically anxiety about being deficient, or “not good enough.” Typical indicators of this anxiety are:

Perfectionism – striving to meet an unattainable ideal
Avoidance – hiding imperfections from others
Compensation – Having outward signs of success, but feeling like a fraud inside
Judgment – Finding fault with everything and everyone; feeling frustrated that no one can measure up
Self-Judgment – Finding fault with oneself
Irritability – a toned-down (and socially more acceptable) expression of anger about having to prove one’s worth
Depression – a “why bother” response to repeated failure at “measuring up”

How does Anxiety Become an Addiction or Compulsion?
Compulsions are actions we are compelled to take even though they don’t make sense and may have negative consequences. At first, the compulsion provides pleasure and relief from anxiety. Then, guilt or shame over the negative consequences becomes the focus of the thoughts and the unpleasantness. Compulsions are a great distraction.

Addictions operate like compulsions, but in addition to the psychological component, there is also a physical component. The body requires a substance to achieve equilibrium. Recovery entails healing both the body and the psyche.

The Anxiety-Compulsion Cycle
The belief “I’m not good enough” is self-perpetuating. The truth is, we are all flawed. That’s just normal. It’s the fantasy that we shouldn’t be flawed that causes distress and an unending pursuit of relief from that distress.

Addictions and compulsions provide that relief for a while. Eventually, the addiction or compulsion creates more anxiety than relief. When this happens, people become obsessed with controlling their behavior. “I can stop anytime,” is the mantra, and indeed there are many “successful” days, months, even years when the new problem remains under control.

Often the success lies in transferring the obsessive thoughts to controlling the problem behavior (getting the monkey off your back). When we channel energy into dieting or abstinence, each day of success “proves” that we are “good enough.”

There’s just one problem. The original wounds that resulted in the belief about NOT being good enough are still there, unattended (this is the circus that George Carlin refers to). The positive feelings that result from successful abstinence are shaky at best, because they are conditional. One misstep or slip, and the negative self-judgment is re-confirmed.

Why Traditional Approaches Fail
Approaches like AA, Weight Watchers, or Clutterers Anonymous fail for three reasons.

By focusing on the addiction or compulsion, they give anxiety a new area of focus: doing the program “good enough.” The result is an addiction to AA or the gym or some other source of “help.”
Because they don’t heal the underlying anxiety, the risk for relapse is always high. Interestingly, both AA and dieting have a 95% failure rate after 3 years.
Traditional approaches inadvertently perpetuate the fear of judgment. In AA and other 12-step groups, people count their days of abstinence. If they “slip,” they have to start over at day one. It’s like being a bad kid who’s sent to the back of the line. With dieting, it’s much the same. As long as you’re on the diet you’re “good.” As soon as you go off, you’re “bad.”

So What’s the Answer?
Identifying and healing the original wounds that set the whole thing into motion.

These wounds are frequently the result of criticism and judgment by family members, teachers, peers or other important people as we’re growing up. We internalize this judgment and develop our own “inner critic” – the voice in our own minds which is often more harsh than the original criticism.

When we identify the source of these wounds as adults, we realize that those original messages were inaccurate and distorted. We also come to see that the expectation that we become “perfect” is unrealistic and unnecessary. These realizations allow us to form more appropriate and realistic beliefs and expectations about ourselves and others. We can relax into our imperfections and come to like ourselves as we are, unconditionally.

While this work is neither simple or easy, it is incredibly rewarding and effective. Not only do you get to enjoy life without addictions or compulsions, you get to live with a person (YOU) who is kind, respectful, forgiving, nurturing encouraging…in short, you get to love yourself.

Classes, Coaching and More!!!

2007-03-26T20:56:00.000-07:00

If you haven't visited my website lately, you'll find some changes. As my therapy practice develops and I learn more, I want to share more of what I discover. Now when you click the Emotional Eating link, you'll find information about my Workshops in Pleasant Hill, new start dates and times for my Support Groups, and a brand new link to my COACHING page devoted to helping people stop eating compulsively.

"Why coaching" you ask? I'm discovering more and more people who want to learn the non-diet approach, but due to geography or other restrictions, can't attend my classes or groups in person. The coaching program is a personalized version of the 12-week group format - but delivered via email over 12 months. Clients are provided with monthly assignments. These include short articles to read, some journaling, as well as setting goals and taking steps to care for the emotions they've been eating over. I provide written feedback on all assignments as well as monthly tele-coaching sessions to answer questions, clarify goals and actions, and provide support and encouragement.

When needed, coaching clients are encouraged to work with a therapist in their area to get support and insight on any emotions that are particularly painful, or areas where they feel stuck.

For more info, visit www.julielevin.com/freedomcoaching.htm. There, you'll find the first month's assignments so you can get a preview of the program - or a head start!

Let me know what you think of these changes and new options.

Warm regards,
Julie

But What About Health?

2007-02-15T12:23:00.000-08:00

We are given so many messages about the ill effects of overweight on health, it's scary. The good news is that many of the claims about weight and health are inaccurate or exaggerated. There are several great books now, debunking the myths of the diet industry. These include Fat Politics by J. Eric Oliver and The Diet Myth by Paul Campos.

I am not an MD or an expert on physiology. But I have been reading a great deal on health issues associated with overweight and obesity. Here's some of what I've learned. First, overweight is a relative term. We don't really know what the ideal weight is for people. The charts we use, including the new BMI chart, are based on life expectancies of people at different heights and weights. But BMI doesn't measure fitness. Many atheletes in top physical condition have very high BMIs because they carry a lot of muscle mass.

Research doesn't show that being fat or having a high BMI causes health problems (or that being thinner cures them). Instead it shows a correlation. This is very important. It may be the same factor that causes health problems also causes the body to store more fat. Targeting weight as the problem is similar to targeting cold temperatures as the cause of colds. We now know that colds are more likely in the winter because more of us are indoors, coming into close contact with each other. We'd catch fewer colds if we stayed outside!

Instead of focusing on weight loss, it makes more sense to look at the factors that really have an impact on health. These include consistent exercise for strength, stamina and flexibility. And eating a variety of foods, including those with fiber, colorful fruits and vegetables, and foods with minimal processing. It may also be wise to eat organic foods when available and affordable. Research also shows that stress reduction has enormous health benefits. So instead of worrying about your weight, try yoga or tai-chi (where exercise meets stress reduction). For more information on reaching optimal health, you may want to look at Eating Well for Optimal Health by Andrew Weil, and Mega Yoga by Megan Garcia.

If you know you have a health condition or high risk for one, you may CHOOSE to modify your diet. This is very different from restricting foods to achieve thinness. I can't eat eggplant. I love eggplant, and I'm sad I can't have it. But I know that when I do, I get a terrible reaction. Your body may react badly to salt or sugar or peanuts or shellfish. Limiting or eliminating foods that make you sick is not deprivation. It's respecting and honoring your unique needs.

I encourage you to do your own reading and find your comfort zone around health. You are the best expert on you.

All Food is Legal

2007-02-15T11:35:00.000-08:00

Using the non-diet approach to heal emotional eating means letting go of diet thinking and diet behavior. If you've decided to try this out, you already know that diets don't work. In fact, the physical process of dieting causes your metabolism to slow, so you actually gain weight more easily. And the mental process of dieting reinforces harmful and inaccurate beliefs - like you can't be trusted to feed yourself, that you're out of control, or you're bad for wanting to feel good.

By legalizing all food, you give yourself the opportunity to experience that you are not out of control. It was deprivation that made you think you were addicted to brownies (or chips or whatever).

At first, when you legalize food, you may find yourself eating a lot of foods that used to be forbidden or restricted. Over time, your mind and body see that these foods are not going away - that you are not just bingeing in preparation for the next diet. And then you get to relax. The food is not going to be taken away from you. EVER. So it's okay to wait until you're hungry to eat it. It's okay to wait until you really want it.

Over time, food loses the magical allure of the forbidden. And you discover that sometimes, you don't feel like a brownie. What you really want is a baked potato (or a chicken leg or whatever). When this happens, you may feel relieved, or sad or both. The relief comes from knowing that you can be trusted to feed yourself in ways that are nourishing and caring. You are not out of control.

The sadness often comes from losing a ritual - waiting for the desire to build and the tension to rise, fighting with yourself over should-shouldn't, good-bad. And then giving in to the desire, maybe even hiding your eating. It's like a secret lover. When you legalize all food, your lover becomes "legal" like a husband or wife. You get to be loved in the morning with bad hair and bad breath. And in exchange for the comfort, you lose some of the passion. The trade off is well worth it.

I know what you're thinking - "but what about my cholesterol (blood sugar, blood pressure, etc.) I can't just eat ANYTHING!" But that's the next post.

Hunger and Fullness - finding your targets

2007-02-15T11:04:00.000-08:00

If you've read my article on mindful eating (see link at bottom of last post), then you may already be getting to know your hunger and fullness signals. Now you can fine-tune your awareness to take even better care of your hunger.

Have you ever noticed that waiting too long to eat makes you overeat? This is fairly common. When we get super hungry, our blood sugar drops, hunger pangs can become painful, we may get a headache. We may even trigger anxiety - especially if there were times in the past when food was withheld or unavailable.

In response to the intense hunger and possibly the anxiety, we eat eat voraciously when the food is finally available. We eat fast, trying to feel better as soon as possible. Often we don't realize we're full, because there can be a delay before the brain registers feelings of fullness. We zoom right past full into stuffed. Then we're just as uncomfortable as we were before. Now the discomfort is from being overly full.

It can be very helpful to have a tool to measure your hunger and fullness. Imagine (or draw) a measuring stick with numbers from one to ten. Let One be "so hungry that you can't think straight." Two can be "very hungry." Three, "a little hungry." Four, "comfortable but you could eat a little." Five. "completely comfortable, not noticing any sensations of hunger or fullness." Six, "comfortable and satisfied." Seven, "comfortable, but a little full." Eight, "a little uncomfortable - a walk would help." Nine, "so full, must undo top button." Ten, "passed out after Thanksgiving full."

With this measuring stick to help, you can decide what level of hunger and fullness work best for you. I know if I let my hunger go below a two, I'm going to be cranky and light headed and possible overeat. I also know that I like to eat to a five when I'm active and a six when I can relax.

What's amazing is that I've learned I don't like to be too full! Even at Thanksgiving! It helps to know that all food is legal, and when I'm hungry again, I'll be able to eat what ever I want. But that's the next post.

Welcome - Beginning the Journey

2006-03-07T22:42:00.000-08:00

If you would like to recover from emotional eating or are already in the process, you're in the right place. And now is the best time - since the diet was invented - to begin.

Since the 1970's the non-diet approach to eating problems has been slowly but steadily gaining momentum. For many years, the main resource for people who wanted to stop dieting and begin eating "normally" was Overcoming Overeating by Jane Hirschmann and Carol Munter. But in the last ten years, the number of books and resources has grown. Today, there are lots of great books, websites, support groups and programs that teach people how to recognize emotional eating and take care of their feelings directly, rather than with food.

While the desire to be thinner or the fear of gaining weight may motivate you to begin doing this work, the benefit is far greater than weight loss. When you free yourself from emotional eating, you are freeing yourself from painful patterns of self-criticism, shame, obsessive thinking, and self-punishing deprivation.

The road to freedom may be difficult and even scary at times. You may have come to rely on diets to feel "in control" and safe from the fear of gaining weight. But take heart! Your body is designed to be self-regulating. Just like breathing, blinking, and sweating, your body has an automatic system that tells you when to eat, what to eat, and when to stop eating. Through the resources and information on this blog, I hope to provide you with the support you need to

1. hear and follow your body's signals: hunger, cravings, and fullness - and
2. recognize and attend to the emotions that food is currently helping you to soothe.

A good starting point is practicing Mindful Eating. There are a few books that describe this process including The Zen of Eating by R. Kabatznick and Eating Mindfully by S. Albers. For a quick start, you can download my PDF article on mindful eating at www.julielevin.com/articles.htm.