tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236433392024-03-13T16:20:27.455-07:00Freedom from Emotional EatingHelping people accept themselves unconditionally since 1997.Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.comBlogger73125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-59403183861343738442022-08-14T13:37:00.001-07:002022-08-14T13:37:27.569-07:00Come see my new Author site<p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKGag2o0OohyXICfyIejmYRfoiGX5g-nyGv38f7xEGrlvqqZH63R4dQh0frXCGyyZ4_TaDNirN7WSuVzYqPqR8IVGTrF1UnIbiFO9OZeMay7GTJ-8DQ9C93QM_9vslEG5UgGJRmknRAUXc28DK9dJKAGVp5wrSYgFRpTiuvmNt47dY5ykZ/s640/magic-33848_640.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="462" data-original-width="640" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKGag2o0OohyXICfyIejmYRfoiGX5g-nyGv38f7xEGrlvqqZH63R4dQh0frXCGyyZ4_TaDNirN7WSuVzYqPqR8IVGTrF1UnIbiFO9OZeMay7GTJ-8DQ9C93QM_9vslEG5UgGJRmknRAUXc28DK9dJKAGVp5wrSYgFRpTiuvmNt47dY5ykZ/s320/magic-33848_640.png" width="320" /></a></div><br />Much has happened since I last posted here. I've published two books! The first, a book of poems, is a bucket list item completed. I started writing poetry in college. Then, after a two-decade hiatus, I started writing again in my forties. This collection touches on themes of nature and renewal, especially the healing power in each of us, as we find meaning and grace in the act of appreciation. The volume is called <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Walking-Water-Poems-Julie-Levin/dp/098973899X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1TSHDLSTO2XVX&keywords=walking+on+water+julie+levin&qid=1660509272&sprefix=walking+on+water+julie+levi%2Caps%2C409&sr=8-1" target="_blank">Walking on Water</a>.<p></p><p>Then, last year, I was invited to write a self-help book on finding meaning and purpose in midlife. I have long wanted to write self-help, but I didn't know how to structure the material. I seized this opportunity both as a learning experience and to share the ways that I have created a life I love after 40. The book is filled with prompts and practices that I have shared with clients over the years, helping people leave behind work that feels like drudgery and relationships that feel like obligations. At the same time, the exercises help readers identify how they want to live going forward, in ways that feel juicy, rich, and aligned with their adult selves. This book is called <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-40-Meaning-Practices-Self-Discovery/dp/1638786720/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2SDGK9PN5F8EU&keywords=after+40+julie+levin&qid=1660509324&sprefix=after+40+julie+levin%2Caps%2C135&sr=8-1" target="_blank">After 40: Meaning of Life Journal</a>.</p><p>Because I am now writing in multiple formats - poetry, self help, and personal essays, I've created a website to share my work, rather than this blog, which has served me and my readers well for so many years. So, I want to invite you to visit me at <a href="http://www.julielevinauthor.com">www.julielevinauthor.com</a>. There, you will find all my latest pieces, and you'll be able to subscribe to get notifications whenever I publish something new.</p><p>I'm looking so forward to sharing my work with you!</p>Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-58777640777334519922020-03-06T11:58:00.000-08:002020-03-06T11:58:00.736-08:00Going Vegan (and weighing exactly the same)<br />
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Next month, I will begin my third year as a vegan. And I have to say, it's a little weird to be a body-positive activist AND a vegan.<br />
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Why did I stop eating animal products, you ask?<br />
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As with most big changes, it takes getting the message multiple times from multiple sources.<br />
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1. Water</h3>
First, I have a FB friend who shared how much water is used in raising livestock. I live in the San Francisco East Bay, and I am so heartbroken seeing our redwoods literally turning red as they die from the lack of rain. I'm even more devastated by the worsening fire seasons we have seen lately. Last summer, the fires were the worst ever, and the closest ever. It's scary.<br />
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2. Climate change</h3>
See above. I want to have a smaller eco-footprint. Plants sequester carbon. Animals emit carbon.<br />
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3. Health and aging</h3>
As I entered peri-menopause, I felt stiffer and achier. I noticed my cholesterol creeping up. And my energy was low. My older sister had gone vegan and shared how all of her health numbers had normalized. Then another friend shared that she was recovering from cancer. She decided to go vegan after learning how animal products feed tumors, while certain veggies inhibited tumor growth.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg8rt3UAfLitq50nNrT3JUeVFIoeDU9vwnIBUF2AL57C3OPo6XggNlKm3nL3tOqHnoxRTVHNWI64tJQm7aXQcD39fWJcF9YSv3L5lfslHK2cM4ceqCiWnimq_t2u6P-fVsfQch/s1600/vegan+poke.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="vegan poke bowl" border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg8rt3UAfLitq50nNrT3JUeVFIoeDU9vwnIBUF2AL57C3OPo6XggNlKm3nL3tOqHnoxRTVHNWI64tJQm7aXQcD39fWJcF9YSv3L5lfslHK2cM4ceqCiWnimq_t2u6P-fVsfQch/s320/vegan+poke.JPG" title="vegan poke bowl" width="238" /></a>That was enough for me to give vegan eating a try.<br />
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It was easy to let go of meat. I had never been a meat lover. Sushi was a bit harder, but I find a veggie poke bowl really hits that craving. I'm also a huge fan of veggie sushi, especially inari. I thought dairy would be my greatest challenge. Turns out there are some decent vegan cheeses, butter, and ice cream. So that's worked out.<br />
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Finally, I found a group of vegan friends through meetup who took turns hosting a potluck each month. With their help, I discovered really yummy ways to feel full and happy. We even have a <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/2348011471933600/" target="_blank">virtual group on FB</a>. I found my cooking became so creative and fun, I even started another blog, <a href="https://www.fathappyvegan.com/">https://www.fathappyvegan.com/</a>.<br />
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The weird thing about going vegan (for me) was how many people turn to plant based diets to lose weight and how many people believe that the only way to be healthy is to be thin. <i>So I am choosing to be a fat positive voice in the vegan community.</i> I am still fat. But my health numbers are all excellent. My energy has improved, and my pain has decreased.<br />
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I have no judgement about how anyone else chooses to eat, just like I have no judgement about size or shape. We are all unique and individual. <i>I just like advocating for unconditional self love.</i> That's my jam (preferably on homemade sourdough bread).Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-5159843046237178112019-06-18T11:26:00.000-07:002019-06-18T11:26:23.328-07:00Understanding Body Positivity<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A million years ago, in 1999, I took a class in grad school on eating disorders. I was 34 years old. And for the first time, I was introduced to the idea that bodies come in all sizes and shapes. For the first time, someone I respected and trusted shared a revolutionary idea...<br />
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Fat is not a problem.<br />
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It's our culture and our socialization that makes fat a problem.<br />
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If you've read this blog, you know I come from a family of people with eating disorders. So to hear that I could learn to love and accept my body without having to change it was akin to a miracle. To see our teacher, Professor Ellyn Herb, modeling what she taught - that we and our future therapy clients could live without shame in our bodies, regardless of our weight was liberating. I wanted it.<br />
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This blog was one of the many tools I used to deepen my own growth and understanding of body positivity and self acceptance. Because when I started this journey, there just weren't very many people on the same path. And there were a LOT of people who thought this path was wrong, scary, dangerous, unhealthy, even disgusting. Writing the blog provided a space where I could share what I was learning.<br />
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Over the years, I've posted less and less. Probably because this was my tool for self understanding, as I grew more and more comfortable with myself, I needed to write less and less. But there is a world full of people out there who still suffer so deeply from the shame and stigma we learn to torture ourselves with if we think our bodies are not desirable (or even presentable).<br />
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So today, I was overjoyed to hear a podcast on body positivity that I want everyone to hear. So, I have created this post to share it with you. If you struggle with body shame, please listen. And even though I don't blog here much anymore, I do still LOVE supporting clients on the journey to radical self acceptance. So if you're in California and looking for a therapist, visit my website to see if we'd be a good fit: <a href="http://www.julielevin.com/">www.julielevin.com</a>.<br />
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In the meantime, though, listen to this <a href="https://www.therapyden.com/blog/say-more-about-that-show-notes-episode-16" target="_blank">podcast on Body Positivity</a>. You deserve to love yourself all the time, in whatever body you happen to have!Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-16095824522952205752016-04-30T10:49:00.002-07:002016-04-30T10:49:38.042-07:00Anxiety and Stress Relief, Part 1, Dissipating Intense, Unpleasant Feelings<div>
<b>Dissipating Intense, Unpleasant Feelings</b></div>
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When you're having an intense and uncomfortable feeling like stress, worry, fear, anger, sadness or aversion, scan your body slowly from head to toe. Notice any places where you feel physical discomfort. </div>
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Anger and sadness often show up in the chest. Anger can feel hot or like wanting to push outward. Sadness can feel cold, heavy or empty. </div>
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Worry and fear often show up in the stomach. Worry can feel tight or jittery. Fear can feel icy or spiky. </div>
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Everyone's experience is unique. Just notice yours without trying to suppress or change anything. See if you can bring a friendly and compassionate feeling toward your discomfort, as if you were sitting with a beloved friend who needed company through a difficult moment. </div>
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Notice if your breathing feels constricted or open. Notice the intensity of the distress, and give it a number from 1 (not too bad) to 10 (horrible). You can use this awareness to track any changes as you do the next steps.</div>
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Find the part of your body where the discomfort is worst. Imagine giving more space to the sensations. If your chest is tight, imagine the energy inside expanding outward beyond your body, it can extend three or ten or fifty feet beyond your skin. It's just energy. I've had feelings that fill up whole city blocks.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEileIyp7-x26LzDU6VfcVD-gq43ZuC7bDZEL5GyXtZaqrbNfb29lJX7_W8cnD5nzg9mcfobBeJ-njzPcVqV7lfWtzEJ21T6gJGsuH6_n2O7VwsIt4C0KHztKoWCsKb56lWhyphenhyphenjLx/s640/blogger-image-163728560.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="stress relief technique, anxiety relief technique" border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEileIyp7-x26LzDU6VfcVD-gq43ZuC7bDZEL5GyXtZaqrbNfb29lJX7_W8cnD5nzg9mcfobBeJ-njzPcVqV7lfWtzEJ21T6gJGsuH6_n2O7VwsIt4C0KHztKoWCsKb56lWhyphenhyphenjLx/s200/blogger-image-163728560.jpg" title="" width="200" /></a></div>
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As the feelings have more room, you may notice that the intensity of them dissipates. Scan your body again, and see if the distress has decreased at all. If it has, this may become a stress-relieving tool you keep handy.</div>
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To practice this skill and learn even more body-mind tools to feel good, join me in the class, <span style="background-color: white; color: #0066cc; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-variant: small-caps; font-weight: bold; text-align: justify;"><a href="https://apm.activecommunities.com/pleasanthillrecreation/Activity_Search/19155" target="_blank">Techniques to Relieve Stress, Anger & Anxiety</a></span>, May 19th, 7pm, at Pleasant Hill Rec and Parks.</div>
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<br />Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-32520014656192109272016-04-15T10:48:00.000-07:002016-04-15T10:51:37.783-07:00Lovingkindness: the *Shpiel Method<i>*In Yiddish, Shpiel (spiel, shpil) means a long, involved story, often used to persuade. When someone calls you to donate money and reads a canned speech, that's their shpiel. When your uncle Morty tells the same old tale about a no-goodnik trying to get one over on him at the flea market, that's his shpiel.</i><br />
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In a few weeks I will be teaching a meditation class. The goals are stress reduction, lowered anxiety, increased self-awareness, self-compassion and resilience. My plan is to start with LovingKindness meditation.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLNocvYv3llWjWgH0lYrm4jY6jHg2W8fjp40spniq2PN56yngR-Td9h6JTFZxy68sDDTIEs_seiJbvO8zCuTMDcGlmyILJArs7HgGNGarl8tJGTqhyVXtu32c1IQ3hbdY9BGVC/s1600/meditationclass.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Meditation Class, Pleasant Hill, CA" border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLNocvYv3llWjWgH0lYrm4jY6jHg2W8fjp40spniq2PN56yngR-Td9h6JTFZxy68sDDTIEs_seiJbvO8zCuTMDcGlmyILJArs7HgGNGarl8tJGTqhyVXtu32c1IQ3hbdY9BGVC/s320/meditationclass.jpg" title="Meditation Class, Pleasant Hill, CA" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
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LovingKindness provides a focus, something for the mind to do instead of thinking all of its habitual thoughts. If we let ourselves really feel the emotions that go along with the words, we also generate some very nice feelings, and with that, we change the chemical bath our neurons live in. LovingKindness also creates a new mind-habit: thinking compassionately about ourselves and everyone else.<br />
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As a therapist, I think this is a great way to begin a meditation practice that will gradually shift toward mindfulness in general and insight in particular. Having our own compassion is a gift when we sit quietly and notice all the mental debris that has collected in our minds over the years. It's a gift when we begin to feel the emotions that a noisy mind is trying to keep us from feeling.<br />
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In preparation for the class, I've been thinking about my LovingKindness Spiel - the talk I plan to give to introduce the practice, and to help students deepen into the feelings that LovingKindness invites. It helps that SHPL is the acronym I use when I teach my version. Here's what I plan to tell them.<br />
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S is for SAFE. May we all be safe. May we be safe from muggers and terrorists, from car accidents, financial setbacks. May we be safe from the latest virus making headlines. When I wish safety for myself and all beings, I imagine a wave of energy circling the planet. In the mind-movie I create, people literally put their guns down. This is a prayer I send out to the universe, just in case anyone with any kind of power is listening. Then I reflect on my part in this change I wish to see. I lay down my own weapons - usually sarcasm and judgment. And when I do this, I usually feel a sense of relief and ease wash over my body. Then I focus on the good feeling my intention creates.<br />
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H is for HEALTHY. May we all be healthy in mind, body and spirit. May the delusions that cause fear and animosity fall away. May the stress that creates tension and illness fall away. May doctors and scientists discover treatments or vaccinations for cancer, MS, ALS, and all the other diseases we struggle with. I send the prayer. I see the wave of energy. And then I reflect on my part. May I eat wholesome food. May I do cardio most days. May I work on dissolving the mind and body habits that create pain. When I wish myself and the world health, that sense of relief and ease usually expands, and I marinate in the good feeling in my body.<br />
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P is for PEACEFUL. May we call feel peace and contentment. Especially because we can't control how life unfolds or how other people behave. May we all discover the ability to observe our feelings and respond gently to them. I send the prayer. I see the wave. I bring it inside. May I continue developing my own compassionate, observing self, who can feel all the feels, big and small, without trying to control things I have no ability or business trying to control. Now the relief is even bigger. It's so good to remember I can be peaceful even when I am struggling or in pain.<br />
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L is for LOVINGKINDNESS. May we all be filled with lovingkindness. May we awaken in the understanding that life is painful for everyone, even Dick Cheney, as Anne Lamott would say. I send the prayer. I see the wave. May I grow more and more compassionate with myself and others. May I remember to practice random acts of kindness. When someone drives like a jerk, may I remember they are struggling and send them wishes for safety, ease and peace.<br />
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Lovingkindness usually fills my heart with tenderness and openness. Sometimes I can feel it in every cell of my body, as if I am glowing. I imagine (and studies are beginning to confirm this) that I am flooding my body with happy neurotransmitters and new neurons are growing.<br />
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So that's my plan for the first few sessions, steeping in LovingKindness. Later we will use that compassion and the bath of happy neurotransmitters to deepen into compassion for all of our thoughts, crazy and sane, and all of our feelings, comfortable and uncomfortable.<br />
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And that is my shpiel.<br />
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If you want to join us in this practice, <a href="http://julielevin.com/meditationclass.php" target="_blank">you'll find all the details here</a>.<br />
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To learn more about how meditation changes the brain, <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/use-your-mind-change-your-brain/201305/is-your-brain-meditation" target="_blank">read this article by Dr. Rebecca Gladding</a>.Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-76390629900041649552015-11-18T10:01:00.000-08:002015-11-18T10:01:28.314-08:00Book Review: Amanda's Big DreamI was a fat kid. I had a mom with an eating disorder, who restricted my food intake before I was even born. She liked to brag that she only gained 22 pounds when she was pregnant. In school I was teased for being fat. By the time I was in kindergarten, I assumed that if someone was mean to me, it had to be due to my body.<br />
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At age nine, I was a member of weight watchers, weighing and measuring my food, but also weighing and measuring my worth. At fourteen, I was eating between 600 and 900 calories a day. By eighteen, I was binging and vomiting. No matter how thin I became, I could not outrun (or out-diet) my anxiety. I wasn't a naturally thin person, so an anvil hung over my head, waiting to drop. If I regained the weight I'd lost, which surely I would because I was sooooo hungry, who could possibly love me?<br />
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It would be another fourteen years before I discovered the <a href="https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fat_acceptance_movement" target="_blank">size acceptance movement</a> and began to practice loving myself unconditionally in the body I have. It's been a long and arduous process, full of fits and starts, to really embrace myself lovingly. Along the way, I learned from experience that how I feel about myself and how I treat myself sets the tone for how others treat me. When I felt ashamed of my body, people were openly critical and judgmental, even though I was a size four. Now that I am comfortable in my skin, people just enjoy who I am at a size 16.<br />
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I would never want a child to experience the shame, blame and rejection I felt. I would never want another human being to feel less than because she or he weighed more than fashion or weight charts dictate. Yet we still live in a world where fat is held in fear and contempt, fat people are seen as inferior and morally weak, and thinness is equated with desirability and good health (despite growing evidence that <a href="http://qz.com/550527/obesity-paradox-scientists-now-think-that-being-overweight-is-sometimes-good-for-your-health/" target="_blank">fitness, not fatness, is the best indicator of health).</a><br />
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So I am thrilled to share a book on size acceptance written for kids (and their parents). <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00U590L8C/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?ie=UTF8&btkr=1" target="_blank">Amanda's Big Dream </a>is about a little girl who loves figure skating.<br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0692377816/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0692377816&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwjulielevin-20&linkId=3NYLIYMI4OT477NA" rel="nofollow"><img border="0" src="http://ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?_encoding=UTF8&ASIN=0692377816&Format=_SL110_&ID=AsinImage&MarketPlace=US&ServiceVersion=20070822&WS=1&tag=wwwjulielevin-20" /></a><img alt="" border="0" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=wwwjulielevin-20&l=as2&o=1&a=0692377816" height="1" style="border: none !important; margin: 0px !important;" width="1" />
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When her coach suggests that losing weight could help improve her performance, she begins to doubt her ability. Her parents and her doctor (who thankfully practices a <a href="http://www.haescommunity.org/" target="_blank">Health at Every Size approach</a>), are supportive and encouraging. Amanda's best friend teaches her that it's not size, but lots of practice, that makes a skater great.<br />
<br />
We need more books that help parents, teachers, doctors, coaches (and first-ladies) recognize and stop playing into fat-shaming kids. A couple TV shows and video games would be good too. Until that happens, we are the front line. We need to become role models of self love and self acceptance for our kids. And we need tools to talk to them about the fat discrimination they will likely face or witness in this culture. <i>Amanda's Big Dream</i> might help start those important conversations.Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-50047696886372583792015-10-24T10:51:00.002-07:002015-10-24T10:51:32.786-07:00Judith Matz Teaches Parents to Prevent Negative Body ImageWhether you're a parent or you're reparenting your inner child, this article by Judith Matz is great for preventing and undoing fat shame.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/9-common-mistakes-parents-make-about-their-kids-weight/">http://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/9-common-mistakes-parents-make-about-their-kids-weight/</a>Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-66376158426997623402015-10-11T15:45:00.000-07:002015-10-11T15:45:18.141-07:00Straightening the Cake<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<i>I wrote this essay several years ago, and just ran across it again...</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBKES_sY8ECF7BntwL_5uONVbaFV_aAm6tqNocGXrsoEQNhLhX7cGUgYGs4BUTliR4Dr89v2i832F__TQCYNvsd_kboPbDx7F_KxfXgoS7qQ-NVJr3G9IrfEJn2ZdaOmFEh-Ky/s1600/cake.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="emotional eating blog, overeating" border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBKES_sY8ECF7BntwL_5uONVbaFV_aAm6tqNocGXrsoEQNhLhX7cGUgYGs4BUTliR4Dr89v2i832F__TQCYNvsd_kboPbDx7F_KxfXgoS7qQ-NVJr3G9IrfEJn2ZdaOmFEh-Ky/s320/cake.jpg" title="" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">S'mores Cake</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
I remember as a
kid, standing in front of the refrigerator, scanning for something I wanted to
eat and not finding it amidst the low-fat cottage cheese in the pink container,
the non-fat milk in the blue container, and the steamed, skinless chicken
breast wrapped in plastic. My mother would yell at me to shut the door and stop
wasting energy. She meant the energy the fridge used. Looking back I realize I
was wasting my energy trying to find something I actually wanted to eat.
Outside in the garage we had an extra freezer that housed Sara Lee cheese cakes
and pound cakes - for my mother's dinner parties. I liked to open that freezer
door and stand there too, wasting energy. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
My mother hid
"goodies" for herself. On top of the fridge in a big wooden bowl,
under a towel lay a bag of malted milk balls. Her stash. My two older sisters
taught me to climb onto the counter and find the bag. We would each have a
couple. Not too many or Mother would notice. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
When my mother
threw those elaborate dinner parties, she created dishes out of Gourmet
magazine. Gourmet magazines filled the rack in the bathroom. I could read about
buttery sauces and cheese filled pasta while sitting on the toilet. But in the
kitchen, there was nothing good to eat. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
At my mother's
parties, I learned to sit at the table and pretend to be satisfied with a smidge
of this and a sliver of that. I ate the salad with the real dressing, full of
fat, and pretended I didn't want more. I ate the pasta filled with ricotta and
spinach and parmesan and pretended I didn't want more. I ate the dessert - one
of those frozen cheesecakes, now defrosted and decorated with cherry pie
filling. I pretended I didn't want to eat the whole thing. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
When the parties
were over, and it was my turn to help clear the table and clean the kitchen, I
would sneak more food. I carried the warm brie and crackers from the living
room back to the kitchen, sneaking a bite as I set it on the counter. I ate the
remnants of pasta off the serving plate before washing and drying it. And when
there was cake left over, I sliced off a tiny wedge, so no one would notice.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
My sisters would
do the same. We were in cahoots, conspiring with each other as we ate forbidden
food, literally behind my mother's back. Sometimes my mother would even be
"in" on the process. If my mother turned around at just the right
moment, she might catch one of us enjoying a transparently thin slice of cake.
My sister Sue, in training to become a master manipulator, would say innocently,
"I'm just straightening it out. It was crooked." <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
We would all
laugh, nervous laughter, the laughter of recognition. We ALL wanted more cake,
even mom. Sometimes, we would put the cake in the middle of the kitchen table.
Mom and her three daughters would sit around the table talking, making each
other laugh, and straightening the cake. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Though my mother
restricted our food (or tried) and dragged us to Weight Watchers, and
complained bitterly when we got fat, and despaired over her own (usually minimal)
arm flab, I can't blame her for the shame I felt about my body. It was her
shame too. In the process of trying to protect us and ensure our happiness, living
in a culture that hates fat, she did her best to keep us thin. She fed us her anxiety
on a bed of undressed lettuce, topped with a weighed and measured portion of
very dry chicken.<o:p></o:p></div>
Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-28429627915199646982015-10-10T13:31:00.002-07:002015-10-10T13:31:37.010-07:00Do I Have to Forgive, Part 2 (When the Answer is Yes)
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">In my <a href="http://freedomfromemotionaleating.blogspot.com/2014/12/do-you-have-to-forgive.html">first post on forgiveness</a>. I focused on the importance of having your own permission NOT to forgive. The key was to be certain that you protect yourself from the person who harmed you. This permission is so essential when the person who is harmful cannot or will not behave differently. Not everyone is capable of taking responsibility for their behavior. Some people will continue to shame or blame you for getting hurt. In these situations, boundaries are more important than forgiveness.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">But there are times when forgiveness becomes necessary - not for the other person, but for YOU. Forgiveness in this sense is not about mending or repairing a relationship. It's about letting go of the indignation, the hurt and above all, <b>the WISH that the other person could one day develop the capacity for empathy, care and repair.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The folks at <a href="http://www.nomoreshameproject.com/">www.nomoreshameproject.com</a> have a one-page on forgiveness that describes this so well...</span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Forgiving your abuser(s) is ultimately a benefit for you, not only a benefit to your abuser. Forgiving them can relieve a weight of
heaviness, bitterness, anger and resentment you might be harboring that could be extremely damaging to your recovery or even
your physical health.</span></i></blockquote>
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">For me the need to forgive comes on sleepless nights. My bladder or my cat (or very often, my cat standing on my bladder) wake me, and in the wee vulnerable hours, my poor little mind goes around and around the loop of insanity, trying to explain to myself why the person who has harmed me is wrong. The unseen person in the conversation is the part of me that WISHES so fervently for repair. The loud, repetitive one arguing is the one who knows that repair isn't possible. To reconnect would only mean further abuse.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">In these 2am or 3am struggles, the only thing that gets me back to sleep is a sweeping, all encompassing declaration of forgiveness. Instead of the loop, I tell myself and the world that I forgive all wrongs ever done to me so I can sleep. I forgive everyone and everything, just for tonight. Tomorrow I may change my mind (this is for the one who needs to know I will not put myself back in harm's way). But tonight, when I am tired, and I need to let go, I forgive. I forgive big and broad and deep. And it gets me to sleep.</span><br />
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I like this idea of forgiveness as a tool to use as needed, rather than a thing to do to "get over it." On that same one-page from nomoreshameproject.com they write,<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Forgiveness is not always a “one and done” action. Sometimes we must make a conscious effort to “re- forgive” when we are
flooded with memories or the aftereffects of our abuse. Forgiveness can sometimes be a process that needs repetition often.
<span style="font-weight: 700;">That’s okay. That doesn’t mean you’ve done it wrong. It just means the wrongs done against you were deep and lasting. </span></span></i></blockquote>
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: 700;"><br /></span></span></i>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ultimately, <b>what I am really forgiving is my own longing</b> that things can be different. This is how it is for us who grew up with emotional abuse or neglect. We have little ones inside of us that are still hungry for the connection our bodies were wired for - the parent-child attachment based on safety, soothing and cherishing. I can apologize to the little girl I used to be. I can tell her, I'm so sorry mom and dad couldn't give you that feeling of security and connection you needed. I'm sorry they will never develop this capacity. It's not fair. It's not okay. You don't have to like it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is the apology that allows me to move out of the obsessive loop of longing for something that </span>doesn't<span style="font-family: inherit;"> exist and into the grieving and letting go. The grief hurts, but it doesn't feel crazy. It's recognizing that what looked like an oasis was actually a mirage. And that realization lets me find water where it actually exists.</span><br />
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Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-41355404392462464112015-07-22T11:41:00.001-07:002015-07-22T11:41:24.827-07:00"...and I was fat as hell the whole time."<div>
I'm not usually one to post articles on my blog, yet here I am doing just that for the second time in a row. The thing is, sometimes other people write things I wish I'd written. This is one of those times. </div>
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I too got married fat, and without wearing any minimizing undergarments. <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">It was 1995 and I was just beginning my journey toward self acceptance and fat positivity. I didn't yet know there were others like me, getting ready to say no to both the external and internalized fat prejudice rampant in our culture. It would be another two or three years before I would discover books like <a href="https://www.blogger.com/%3Ca%20href=%22http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/044991058X/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=044991058X&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwjulielevin-20&linkId=2EIELNPDJZQMQ6GB%22%3EWhen%20Women%20Stop%20Hating%20Their%20Bodies%3C/a%3E%3Cimg%20src=%22http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=wwwjulielevin-20&l=as2&o=1&a=044991058X%22%20width=%221%22%20height=%221%22%20border=%220%22%20alt=%22%22%20style=%22border:none%20!important;%20margin:0px%20!important;%22%20/%3E">When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies</a> or <a href="https://www.blogger.com/%3Ca%20href=%22http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0898159954/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0898159954&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwjulielevin-20&linkId=QPVW3PAADHMRBCZV%22%3EFAT!SO?%3C/a%3E%3Cimg%20src=%22http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=wwwjulielevin-20&l=as2&o=1&a=0898159954%22%20width=%221%22%20height=%221%22%20border=%220%22%20alt=%22%22%20style=%22border:none%20!important;%20margin:0px%20!important;%22%20/%3E">Fat!So?</a> </span></div>
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When I took up the loving and accepting language of fat positivity, people became silent and awkward. Conversations about dieting and self hatred would abruptly stop when I walked into the office lunch room. There wasn't yet a place for an open dialogue where I could say, "Hey, maybe all of our bodies are just fine exactly the way they are." When I tried, it was like I was speaking a foreign language.</div>
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So it warms my heart to share this <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/21/my-wedding-perfect-fat-woman?CMP=share_btn_fb">joyful article by Lindy West on being an unapologetic fat bride</a>. </div>
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<br />Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-89798667128812011892015-07-14T23:19:00.001-07:002015-07-14T23:19:28.167-07:00Being Thin Can't Make You Happy... But this Article Might :-)http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ravishly/being-thin-didnt-make-me-happy-being-fat-does_b_6661862.htmlJulie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-67880621500970911422015-05-18T22:05:00.001-07:002015-05-20T22:16:33.030-07:00Eat Whatever the Huckleberry you WantI just saw an article on FB telling us that milk is harmful. If you love milk, don't fret. Next year, milk will be a superfood that cures everything that ails you. And if you hate milk, no worries. The year after that, it will be demonized again. <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I've said it before. The experts have no idea what's good for you. Carbs, fats, nuts, eggs, gluten - they all get their turn as villain and hero.</span><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I wonder if this scientific back and forth is really a reflection of a bigger struggle in our culture: we feel guilty for enjoying delicious food. It must be healthy, or we are "bad." </span><div><div><br></div><div>Food is not a moral issue. Neither is being fat - even though people fiercely <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">judge</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> those with body fat. Know what is a moral issue - at least in the Christian faith? Judging people. </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">You can't control whether other people are judgemental. But you can work toward making your own mind a judgement free zone. Loving yourself unconditionally is a very good diet to adopt. It will lower your stress. And I think the experts remain consistent that stress damages health.</span></div><div><br></div><div>Love, on the other hand creates oxytocin. Dr. Michael Gershon, author of <i>The Second Brain</i>, writes about how oxytocin appears to reduce inflammation in the gut and positively impact autoimmune disorders. It also creates feelings of bliss. So, rather than fussing over what you put in your mouth or the number on the scale, feed yourself a steady diet of kindness, gentleness, play and compassion. Wrap your own arms around yourself and send love to every cell in your body. Even if the feelings aren't genuine at first, pretend that they are. Treating yourself lovingly will make you feel loved over time. </div><div><br></div><div>If other people judge you, tell them to take a flying huckleberry.</div></div></div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidS52uHeyCoAz9R11SCsTgO7HeGdhe6Y6zt6eO4pQYcxAVYwTDcx2vPR_YAE4QSCMm7-KIHk1GSL6JD9iuR3YwnnuzcuNTQ-Ed9IKbtnGRs1wWoFaG-s6YN81qkFre2-AGrV6E/s640/blogger-image-171324618.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidS52uHeyCoAz9R11SCsTgO7HeGdhe6Y6zt6eO4pQYcxAVYwTDcx2vPR_YAE4QSCMm7-KIHk1GSL6JD9iuR3YwnnuzcuNTQ-Ed9IKbtnGRs1wWoFaG-s6YN81qkFre2-AGrV6E/s640/blogger-image-171324618.jpg"></a></div>Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-73556769942511077562015-05-07T16:07:00.001-07:002015-05-07T16:07:36.455-07:00Honoring Your Inner Mother on Mother's DayIf you struggle on Mother's Day (or any holiday) because your relationship with your mom was (is) difficult -<div>
If you felt more like a burden to her than a gift -</div>
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If you've been learning to love yourself (or want to learn how) unconditionally -<div>
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Read my newest post on <a href="http://reparent-yourself.com/2015/05/07/honoring-your-inner-parents-on-holidays/">www.reparent-yourself.com</a>.</div>
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Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-66240940773507407882015-05-01T13:04:00.001-07:002015-05-01T13:08:51.180-07:00Brilliant TED talk on the brain's role in regulating weight.if you're trying to lose weight, especially for your health, watch this <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/sandra_aamodt_why_dieting_doesn_t_usually_work?language=en">great TED talk</a>Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-46578427535317374212015-04-26T12:20:00.002-07:002015-04-26T12:20:51.641-07:00I'm cheating on my blog, with another blogYes, I know, I've been neglecting this space all month (well two). It's time to come clean. I've started a new blog. It's not that I don't love this one. It's just that I find I keep writing about self care instead of emotional eating. And yes, self care is part of the healing process, but I've really been off topic for a while now.<br />
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I also wanted to learn WordPress (sorry Blogger!). So I made a site using that tool. I can't say I've loved it. The learning curve made me want to slap the internet. But with all the hard work now mostly done, I'm keeping it. Besides, it's purple.<br />
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So, come over for a visit. <a href="http://www.reparent-yourself.com/">www.reparent-yourself.com</a>.<br />
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It's just got a few posts, but in time I will add more and more, eventually creating what I hope will be a definitive "How-To" for those of us who didn't get the parenting we needed as kids.<br />
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I hope it proves healing and helpful!Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-42697468738304608032015-02-08T13:19:00.000-08:002015-02-08T13:32:38.055-08:00What I Know for Sure about Emotional EatingIt's been a long time since I've written about food or weight or emotional eating. And yet, all the other topics - self esteem, self-protection, loss, cultural dogma - aren't those the things we eat over? I was wondering about the shift in the blog. It mirrors a shift in my own growth.<br />
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It's been fascinating to step back from myself and watch my relationship with food change over the years. Don't get me wrong. I still love bacon, and I'm a huge fan of ice cream.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxOOIcAxNHcRMYH-2DTL7isA79XxRFJ-MXHfxm8xm6rFdz_FhOv7mrKRDZCBRRzgduPCXG-WUnMkg4y9Dw5wdF2YEjxH7dPtrGKMDdy_HRvbg5n4O211E-yOpR7gXnMjnWhrh0/s1600/bacon-icecream.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxOOIcAxNHcRMYH-2DTL7isA79XxRFJ-MXHfxm8xm6rFdz_FhOv7mrKRDZCBRRzgduPCXG-WUnMkg4y9Dw5wdF2YEjxH7dPtrGKMDdy_HRvbg5n4O211E-yOpR7gXnMjnWhrh0/s1600/bacon-icecream.jpg" height="168" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bacon Ice Cream (photo, from <a href="http://houseandhome.com/food/recipes/canadian-bacon-bonanza-sundae-recipe">House and Home magazine</a>)<br />no longer has the power to fix painful feelings or create self-loathing. Yay!</td></tr>
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What's different is I don't turn to bacon or ice cream for soothing anymore. Also, my weight hasn't really changed significantly in the past fifteen years. What's different is I don't hate my body anymore.<br />
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This blog is a chronicle of how I got to this place of self love and self acceptance. In the beginning, I took it on faith, that if I practiced being loving with myself, I would create loving feelings for myself. I took it on faith that if I practiced unconditional self-acceptance, I would eventually stop criticizing myself or wishing for a different shape or size (the magical one that would end all suffering forever). And it worked!<br />
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I often tell my clients who struggle with overeating or other compulsive behaviors, that addiction is substitution. What we are all really hungry for is the safety of being loved and accepted exactly as we are. We live in a culture where there is so much judgement and rejection. And we imagine that a different size or shape (or income or title…) will inoculate us against that painful not-belonging-ness. But changing ourselves to avoid criticism doesn't work. As the young people say, "haters gonna hate."<br />
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The person who has to love you absolutely and fiercely, no matter what is YOU. You may have to take it on faith for a while. You may need help to change your inner critic into an ally. You may have to set limits with friends and family who still judge themselves and others negatively. The process is slow and marked with fits and starts. But I can tell you this. The freedom - not just from emotional eating - but from the insidious self-hatred that follows a binge or a weigh-in, that freedom is DELICIOUS.<br />
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<br />Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-39304692268227646232014-12-20T20:40:00.001-08:002015-01-04T16:16:03.446-08:00Do You Have to Forgive?Sometimes our spiritual traditions work against us, making us feel broken, sinful, or weak if we can't or won't follow their precepts. Often those precepts are offered as the only way to go or the only <i>right</i> way - even by people who say they embrace diversity and differences. One of the topics where this phenomenon occurs is forgiveness. I see all kinds of FB memes - especially in the wake of the new year - telling us we must forgive in order to set ourselves free. And while I agree that holding on to anger or resentment is damaging to the self, I don't agree that forgiveness is always THE path to freedom. It is one path. <div><br></div><div>If you are finding it difficult to forgive, don't despair. If you feel bad or defective because you can't forgive, don't despair. Your grudge may be trying to tell you something important. Before you rush to get rid of your ill feelings, listen to them. What do they need you to know?</div><div><br></div><div>Recently, I found myself invaded by recurring thoughts of an injustice I experienced. I kept having fantasy conversations in which I would explain to the other person how they had wronged me. Yet I knew without a doubt that confronting this person would have no positive effect for either of us. In this situation, the serenity prayer was far more effective than forgiving. I needed to accept what I could not change (the other person) and change what I could (myself).</div><div><br></div><div>It's the story of the scorpion and the frog. If you don't know it, a scorpion asks a frog for a ride across a pond. The frog says, "But you'll sting me." The scorpion says, "No I won't. If I sting you, we'll both drown." The frog agrees. Half way across the pond, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog says, "Now we'll both die! Why did you do this?" The scorpion says, "It's my nature."</div><div><br></div><div>I didn't have to forgive my scorpion. I needed to stop giving it rides. </div><div><br></div><div>I needed to look at why I had been forgiving the stings for so long. </div><div><br></div><div>For me, it was about a deep fear, instilled when I was a child, that saying "no" would bring about retribution. It was about recognizing my fear as a post traumatic stress reaction, and taking the risk of showing myself that now, as an adult, I can say, "No more rides." Those who respect me will manage their disappointment. Those who don't will move on. If they throw tantrums, I can move on. </div><div><br></div><div>When I worked my way through this process, my resentment disappeared. I didn't need forgiveness to let go. I needed to know I could and would protect myself. </div><div><br></div><div>Often when we are hurt or violated in some way, we are left feeling powerless. If this is true for you, it might be important to reclaim your power. This doesn't mean holding power over others or taking vengeance. It just means knowing that you will love and protect yourself from relationships that feel depleting, diminishing, or disrespectful, even if it takes work and courage to get there. </div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf1_WAEwBPtQCOWrGjr-r64n0vSQ7xzbi48XYOAGNPasEOI6xEUdGomLvI0K4dAKK0Wv6IZ-mb2r4QIg6Oe6TDfQG6LAGdFVep4leVZRDorZyLwKLt3aliYo6eubDq7do7GJ-2/s640/blogger-image-119769150.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf1_WAEwBPtQCOWrGjr-r64n0vSQ7xzbi48XYOAGNPasEOI6xEUdGomLvI0K4dAKK0Wv6IZ-mb2r4QIg6Oe6TDfQG6LAGdFVep4leVZRDorZyLwKLt3aliYo6eubDq7do7GJ-2/s640/blogger-image-119769150.jpg"></a></div>Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-78879715504247566422014-09-23T09:38:00.001-07:002014-09-23T09:38:14.185-07:00Befriending Your Inner Critic<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIp2k2VMWgfXpKaG1Fr9BZfb51OBlHU1QJTLpXPZZgV2Bp7W5JejFqVxehaCBEXeGez87DUeLRi6XKJ2-fyay7sMrTN6r6YrI5uapjofjobdsCcbOc6mAX54-fAGoCUzCls5Y8/s1600/selfcriticism.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Louise Hay, Inner Critic, Shame, Narcissistic Mother, Childhood Depression, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Eating" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIp2k2VMWgfXpKaG1Fr9BZfb51OBlHU1QJTLpXPZZgV2Bp7W5JejFqVxehaCBEXeGez87DUeLRi6XKJ2-fyay7sMrTN6r6YrI5uapjofjobdsCcbOc6mAX54-fAGoCUzCls5Y8/s1600/selfcriticism.JPG" height="213" title="Louise Hay on Self Critcism" width="320" /></a></div>
So much has been written about the inner critic - that voice in your head that says you aren't good enough. Cognitive therapists use the term, "shame busting," to describe how they approach the inner critic. And many of the other psychological theories advocate some variation on this same theme - silence the inner critic, tame the gremlin, etc.<br />
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But most of my clients, like me, have inner critics that do not want to be killed off. Many therapists would call this "resistance," or some kind of self-sabotaging impulse. I disagree.<br />
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As an adult attachment therapist (I look at how early attachment in our families shapes our self-image and world-view), I learned that my inner critic developed to keep me in alignment with the values and needs of my family, peers, and teachers at a time when I was too little to survive in the world alone. Being so young, I could not know that many of the values and needs I was trying to conform to were unhealthy. They arose out of the insecurities of those around me, and they created insecurity inside of me.<br />
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I have written here about <a href="http://freedomfromemotionaleating.blogspot.com/2014/06/fathers-day-grief-and-healing.html">my dad and his abuse history</a>, but my mom's insecurities were far more damaging. She is a classical narcissist, whose primary objective is to procure admiration from others. When I reflected well upon her, I was treated kindly, even celebrated. If I needed her (especially if I needed something she was not good at providing), I was ignored or rejected. I was constantly compared unfavorably to my sisters, cousins, even strangers. I spent a lot of my childhood depressed, but didn't know it. Depression was my normal. I turned to food for soothing, even though the price was more disapproval and rejection from mom, who needed thin daughters that people would admire.<br />
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As I began to understand this dynamic through my adult eyes, so did my inner critic. As soon as I stopped trying to kill her off (my inner critic, not my mother), she became my ally and took on a new job. Instead of keeping me in line with people who are not healthy for me, her job is to let me know when things don't feel right. Instead of yelling at me to conform or be "good enough," her job is to remind me that my life is for me, not others. I am no longer tiny and vulnerable. I can say "no" or walk away from anything that is depleting, diminishing, harmful - or even vaguely not-quite-right.<br />
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When I was little, I had no choice about who surrounded me. Today, I actively choose friends, clients, colleagues, and extended family who are healthy, safe, and loving. My inner critic is AWESOME at detecting <a href="http://freedomfromemotionaleating.blogspot.com/2014/08/what-to-do-when-difficult-person-is.html">narcissists, psychopaths, and other icky folk</a> and sounding the alarm so I steer clear of them. I LOVE her in this role.<br />
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She also keeps me company now when I am alone. She knows this was the lynchpin for me - the thing that kept me stuck in one-sided relationships far too long. Now, instead of buying into the notion that my aloneness was my own fault, she reminds me that there are lots of people in the world who are compassionate and caring, who love and accept me as I am, warts and all. She also reminds me that she is with me now in the best of ways. I will always have her loving, supportive presence within. And that inner safety and sweetness is more than good enough.Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-89415198330521631482014-09-22T10:36:00.000-07:002014-09-22T10:36:02.298-07:00"Coming out" with a mental health diagnosisI love the art in this article in the Huffington post, but more than that, I love the message. SOOO many people have (or have had) a mental health diagnosis. The shame that often accompanies the diagnosis is, I think, one of the worst parts. Too many of my clients have refused or delayed seeking help because they feared the stigma. Let's make it safe for everyone to be who they are, warts and all. Ready, go!<br />
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<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/18/bipolar-disorder-ellen-forney_n_5823138.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063">What Bipolar Disorder Really Feels Like, By Sarah Klein in the Huffington Post</a>Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-23245522580124435962014-08-31T17:51:00.001-07:002014-08-31T18:18:53.427-07:00What to Do When the Difficult Person is a Narcissist or a SociopathLast month, I wrote about dealing with difficult people. Several of you wrote back or spoke to me off-line asking, "What if this person is really disturbed?"<br />
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Unfortunately about 4 to 8% of our fellow human beings have a serious personality disorder like narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder (also known as psychopaths or sociopaths). When you have to deal with someone who has severe narcissism or antisocial personality disorder you will feel off-balance, anxious, and vaguely (or not so vaguely) threatened. It's not a fun experience.<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvu8PA7TCuSHUFp6bAsKVtpfVhDm-vhbCqQ3lvTr81PEcTcOp7l0TUSPUAOJQLBvk5TjABhWP9f1ViNE7enlhyeT2y6yyUu_ntHGSMdgvHRdA8yT59EH-lTCYn800fZuj9GinK/s1600/LuciusMalfoy1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvu8PA7TCuSHUFp6bAsKVtpfVhDm-vhbCqQ3lvTr81PEcTcOp7l0TUSPUAOJQLBvk5TjABhWP9f1ViNE7enlhyeT2y6yyUu_ntHGSMdgvHRdA8yT59EH-lTCYn800fZuj9GinK/s1600/LuciusMalfoy1.jpg" height="320" width="268" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lucius Malfoy exemplifies a severe narcissist. <br />His primary aim is to feel better than others.</td></tr>
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<b>Severe Narcissism </b></h3>
Both narcissists and psychopaths are controlling and manipulative. The narcissist seeks control in order to gain a steady supply of admiration. They need constant validation and support of their grandiose sense of self in order to defend against debilitating shame. Usually they begin by seducing others with charm and flattery. They may seem to understand you deeply. But this is not real. They have no felt sense of empathy.<br />
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Inevitably, you will fail them, because everyone does (their need is impossible to fill). Then their manipulation may turn to rage or withdrawal. Some narcissists can become vengeful, trying to turn others against you and moving into a position of grandiose victimhood. The narcissist wants others to see him or her as the best at everything, including being the most unjustly treated when in conflict.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Before he was Voldemort, Tom Riddle, the poster child<br />for anti-social personality disorder, was already <br />using people to gain power.</td></tr>
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<b>Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD) </b></h3>
The person with ASPD (also called psychopaths or sociopaths) wants control in order to feel powerful. Like narcissists, they begin relationships pouring on the charm and flattery. A sociopath can make you feel like you are part of a select and special group. They can make you feel special and important in ways that no one else ever has. They are also great at faking empathy. They are natural actors, and they study human behavior in order to manipulate others effectively and efficiently.<br />
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Often sociopaths are cult leaders, church leaders, and CEOs. Sociopaths are usually greedy, because money can be used to control or exert power over others. Psychopaths (at the more criminal or dangerous end of the antisocial spectrum) may use violence to control others. The more "high functioning" sociopaths will use vague threats as well as promises of great rewards that usually never materialize or those rewards come with a price tag - usually the feeling that you are betraying yourself.<br />
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Both narcissists and people with ASPD will leave you in a state of repetitive, anxious thinking known as rumination. Your thoughts will generally circle around to fantasies in which you teach the other person a lesson. This comes out of feelings of powerlessness and a normal, human a desire to be treated with respect and dignity. It is fueled by an underlying belief that if the other person could just "get it" they would change their ways. <b>Letting go of this belief is the key to YOUR freedom and healing</b>.<br />
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It is essential to know that people with these personality disorders almost never change. If they do, it is only with intensive, long-terms psychotherapy and usually only after a devastating experience in which their strategies for maintaining admiration or power completely fail.<br />
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<b>Your Best Options</b> </h3>
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Your best course of action is to have as little contact with a narcissist or psychopath as possible. Your energy will be far better spent doing other things. If possible, you may choose to cut off relationships with these people entirely. Technology can be a wonderful friend in this endeavor. Calls can be blocked. Emails can be deleted automatically so you never know that they were sent.<br />
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If you must interact with a narcissist or a sociopath, your best strategy is to become boring to them. Like cats playing with mice, they will lose interest when you stop being fun - which means when you stop being a source of admiration or wounding for the narcissist or stop being someone that the sociopath can use to feel powerful or gain money or other resources from.<br />
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<b>Safety First</b> </h3>
Dealing with a sociopath or psychopath alone can be dangerous. They have no empathy and can't be reasoned with. Your safety is paramount. If these strategies don't work and you feel threatened, don't hesitate to get outside support from understanding friends, neighbors, coworkers, or if necessary, legal support from an attorney or the police.<br />
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If you grew up with a parent, sibling, or other influential person who had narcissistic or psychopathic tendencies, you may be more vulnerable to the seductions of these people. If this is true for you, then therapy to heal your own feelings of powerlessness and "not good enough-ness" will be invaluable in helping you to let go of these toxic relationships.<br />
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Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-55988381814124317622014-08-15T13:27:00.000-07:002014-08-15T15:42:10.283-07:00Missing Robin WilliamsThe thing I'm noticing most now, four days after he died, is that everyone I've talked to, everyone who has written about him, whether we actually knew him or not, felt a sense of kinship with Robin Williams. I know, logically, I felt a kinship with the characters he played. If anything, I loved the writers who wrote those roles.<br />
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Yet he chose them, the roles. And he brought them to life in a way that no one else could. I've been binge-watching his movies. Today it was <i>Good Will Hunting</i> and <i>Dead Poets Society</i>. In both of these movies Robin Williams plays a role model for all of us who need to find a way to survive in a world where our individuality and vitality is shamed, where we are misunderstood, kept small with physical and emotional abuse.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFF3QCqMrdf__Iu6SgsbXpxJfkuCTPQOIzYqbAE19ZTp0iaFxClV4bc8YBiWvXHkyDXU-kccm_eOLjfxM195HVC44ZqEkjQO9YMiUZzjtzAflqXpJ8fQlpp7wupQLGLmDB1sLc/s1600/dead-poets-society.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Robin Williams, o captain my captain, grief, misfits, good will hunting, dead poets society" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFF3QCqMrdf__Iu6SgsbXpxJfkuCTPQOIzYqbAE19ZTp0iaFxClV4bc8YBiWvXHkyDXU-kccm_eOLjfxM195HVC44ZqEkjQO9YMiUZzjtzAflqXpJ8fQlpp7wupQLGLmDB1sLc/s1600/dead-poets-society.jpg" height="170" title="" width="320" /></a></div>
The younger characters in these films learn to follow their own hearts, despite the threat of alienation. The teacher, Mr. Keating and the shrink, Sean Maguire provide a map. And more than even that, they offer themselves as safe havens, where it is okay to just be whoever you are. They offer unconditional love. They offer the understanding of a fellow outsider in a world where conformity is regarded above all else.<br />
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I love Robin Williams (and miss him like the father my own could never be) because I am a misfit. Growing up, I was told in so many ways that I did not fit, that my not fitting was wrong, and that I should feel ashamed. Mr. Keating gave me a desk to stand on, so I could see the world from a different perspective. Maybe being a misfit was not a bad thing. Maybe it was a gift. Sean Maguire looked at me with so much love and understanding and told me over and over again that the abuse I suffered was not my fault. It was not my fault. It was never my fault.<br />
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I keep finding articles and blogs that have used his death as a platform to raise consciousness about depression. That's a good thing. But it's not what I want right now. I just want to grieve what, for me, is a grave, personal loss. I never met him. But I desperately wish I could tell him how grateful I am for his courage in being the captain of the misfits, a team I am so proud to play on. I'm grateful that he was here for a short time. My heart is broken for his pain. And I already miss him so much.Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-53416202118106723432014-08-07T15:49:00.002-07:002014-08-08T13:34:47.456-07:00Aging, Injuries, and Healing with MindfulnessGetting older is a fine balance between the wisdom that can only come from experience and the frustration of not remembering what I was about to say or do a moment ago.<br />
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Going slowly and being fully in my body, moment by moment, have been among the greatest gifts of aging. I am still working on both of these practices, and I get distracted by busy-ness more than I would like. But the more I stop, and breathe, and feel, the easier it gets - mostly because it feels good.<br />
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Somatic Experiencing (SE) - which I mentioned a couple posts ago - has become an invaluable tool for settling in and noticing subtle energies and staying with them, just noticing and nothing more, as they transform just through the process of attending and watching.<br />
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Sadness becomes relief, then anger, then power, then excitement, then joy.<br />
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Fatigue becomes grounding, then settling, then calm, then alertness, then presence.<br />
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This may sound like meditation, but it's more than I've ever learned in meditation classes. There is no effort to stop thinking. Thoughts happen. There is no concentration on a meditative object. Sensation is the meditative object. And maybe that just works really well for me because I am at the super far end of the kinesthetic spectrum.<br />
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One of the main reasons I decided to learn SE was to see if it would help reduce physical pain, which I've long suspected my body holds as "emotional trauma in suspended form." In several of my SE experiences, I've noticed the feeling of my shoulders and back melting - as if old armor is gently falling away. It's a delicious feeling, and one that I hope will eventually become a new normal for me. What I didn't expect, is that SE would follow me out of the classroom, and out of my therapy office into my daily life. Specifically, it has shown up in my footsteps.<br />
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In March, I twisted my left knee, and it's felt twinge-y and wonky ever since - not painful, but not quite right. I don't think it's a coincidence that I also have bunion on my left big toe, and that my left foot has been growing progressively weaker over the last few years. So I did what we all seem to do these days; I scoured Google for everything ever written about knee injuries and bunions and muscle imbalances. Several articles recommended walking barefoot.<br />
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Then, in June, I ran into a friend who was wearing Vibram FiveFingers on her feet. I had a pair once. I got them right after reading <i>Born to Run </i>by Christopher McDougall. But I was much younger then (only 44). And I had only just begun learning about slow and gentle living. I didn't know that in my mid-forties, my body would begin to rebel against being pushed to hard. I didn't know the wear and tear that my earlier traumas, and the resulting tendency to dismiss and deny my body's pain and fatigue signals, was catching up to me. So I put on my new barefoot "shoes," and went for a run, giving myself a muscle spasm (in my left calf, of course) that lasted a month. I blamed the shoes, cursed the book, and went back to supportive, orthotically correct footwear. And I watched my bunion grow. And I felt my foot continue to weaken.<br />
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Fast forward to June. Now at the wise and sage age of 49 1/2, I listen to my friend describe the slow, gentle process of moving from shod feet to bare feet. She wore her FiveFingers an hour a day at first, only at home after work. Then on little trips, grocery shopping. Then, adding more time as her body grew accustomed, she eventually started wearing them all day, just walking, sitting, driving. Now, she says, she is "addicted to them."<br />
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There is no definitive information about whether barefoot living will fix my knee or my foot. Anecdotal evidence points both ways - it really helps or it really hurts. Though in scouring blogs and message boards, there is one theme that recurs over and over. If you transition to barefoot, go very, very slowly.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqFT_souUFs5BWoVw09NnIonJCJzQP0wxl2A1noktpM_ISFhq-uEhCmoz6VQX4QXmER5Sd5Zx2cWnj78dcqOxAArz1yBGG5LRymEpr35cvjeK0fuJOVgnLN1Lbw1gvDuGsqsmR/s1600/EBCD1E1C-76FB-4A9D-84A9-9A773A33F91C.GIF" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="aging, going more slowly, healing injuries, knee injury, self care for knee injury" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqFT_souUFs5BWoVw09NnIonJCJzQP0wxl2A1noktpM_ISFhq-uEhCmoz6VQX4QXmER5Sd5Zx2cWnj78dcqOxAArz1yBGG5LRymEpr35cvjeK0fuJOVgnLN1Lbw1gvDuGsqsmR/s1600/EBCD1E1C-76FB-4A9D-84A9-9A773A33F91C.GIF" title="" /></a></div>
Yesterday my new (and surprisingly cute compared to the last pair) FiveFingers arrived. I wore them for two hours, mostly sitting. Today I wore them for three hours, sitting, sweeping the floor and taking a short trip to the store. When I took them off, the angle of my bunion-y toe was less pronounced. My knee is still wonky, but it also feels like the muscles of my foot, calf and thigh are more activated and more stabilizing.<br />
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What's really wonderful though is the mindfulness of each step. As I walk, I am keenly aware of the sensations in my feet and legs and knees and hips and back. I am feeling my gait from inside. I have no idea what this will lead to, if anything. And the blessing of SE and of getting older is that it's soooo okay with me not to know. I am happy watching, waiting, trusting my body's signals and discovering what the next step feels like, and then the next one, and the next.<br />
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And I am relishing the loving feelings that come with all of this self-care. The armor continues melting, and as it does, the love and joy that is my birthright (and yours too) grows full and bright, a little sun rising in my chest.Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-41947333319219073772014-07-19T10:47:00.002-07:002014-07-20T18:31:16.807-07:00How to Stop Taking Things Personally - Removing Your Emotional Velcro™First, let me acknowledge that what I'm about to say is not always easy. A lot of my clients spend weeks (sometimes longer) processing a painful interaction before they can understand and act on what I'm about to tell you. So feel free to bookmark this post and come back to it when you need the ideas reinforced.<br />
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We all have what I call "Emotional Velcro™" inside of us. This is the place where painful words, images, memories and experiences get stuck - where we take things personally. When someone says, "Jeez, you're so selfish!" and that comment keeps going around in your head, you know you have some Emotional Velcro™ there. </div>
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You feel the desire to defend or explain, "I am NOT selfish! I just volunteered sixteen hours at the food bank! I did all of your laundry when you had that deadline! I am the least selfish person you will ever know!"<br />
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We take other people's comments and actions personally when we have a negative belief or interpretation about those words or actions. In other words, you get upset about being called selfish (or lazy or fat or frustrating) ONLY if you believe that it's bad or wrong to be selfish.</div>
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Now here's where a lot of people get stuck. They tell me, "But Julie, it IS bad to be selfish!" They don't realize that "good" and "bad" are interpretations, not absolutes. </div>
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I don't like broccoli. I think broccoli is bad. But I realize that broccoli is not inherently bad (it's not personal, broccoli). A lot of people love it. I could go further and tell myself that those people are weird or have a strange sense of taste. None of this is objectively true. Similarly, what one person calls selfish, another person might call self-care, good boundaries, or lack of information. </div>
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Usually when someone labels us, what they are really saying is, "I need something from you, and it feels too vulnerable and scary to tell you. I'm afraid of being needy (because I have an interpretation that neediness is bad), so I will just get angry and tell you that you're selfish."</div>
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While it can be enormously helpful to realize that people label you when they can't express their needs directly, it's even more useful to remove your own value judgements about yourself and others (the Velcro™). If you believe that selfishness is not <i>inherently</i> bad, then anyone can call you selfish, and you will not take it personally. You will have converted your Velcro™ into Teflon™. </div>
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And this is where it can get hard. Changing our own beliefs takes work. Especially beliefs that were instilled in childhood, when learning how to fit into our family belief systems was essential to feeling loved, accepted, connected and safe. </div>
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I had a client once who came to see me for anger problems. She felt irritable all the time and quick to snap at the people closest to her. After her boyfriend left her, she realized she had to change. When we looked at the source of her anger, we learned that she could not say no to anyone. She felt compelled to do whatever other people wanted to do. She believed that if she said "no," she was being rude. So she walked around with no ability to set reasonable boundaries. Then, when her resentment built, she would pop, and all her irritation would come out all over the people she loved the most. </div>
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Where did she learn that "no" was rude? It was a lesson her mom taught her when she was little. Maybe this happened during the terrible twos, when those "No!" messages come out in ways that do sound rude. Mom didn't explain that "No" is a very important word. But sometimes it works better to say it gently. As a kid, my client learned that to feel loved and safe, she could not say no, and the belief stayed with her (along with the belief that it's never okay to be rude).</div>
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These are interpretations. They are not objectively or absolutely true. Often, it is essential to say "No." And sometimes it's useful to be rude. It's also okay to disappoint people. None of these things makes you a bad person. As an adult, you can stop judging yourself and eliminate your Velcro™ .</div>
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<b>To find the beliefs you take personally - your Velcro™, finish the following sentence:</b></div>
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"I am bad (difficult, frustrating, etc) if I…"</div>
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<b>To remove your Velcro™ use the following questions. </b></div>
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What other interpretations of that behavior might there be? </div>
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Is this true for everyone, or just me? </div>
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How did I learn this? </div>
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Is it still true today? </div>
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If I violate this rule, what will happen?</div>
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Example:</div>
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I am rude if I say "no."</div>
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<b>Other interpretations: </b></div>
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<li>I might be rude if I say "no" like a snotty two year old, but I can also say "no" kindly and respectfully.</li>
<li>Saying "no" when I need to is honest, and most people will appreciate knowing they can trust me to be real with them.</li>
<li>Saying "no" with respect will prevent my anger from building.</li>
<li>Everyone has the right to say "no" when they are asked something that doesn't feel right for them.</li>
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<b>Is this true for everyone?</b></div>
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No. People say no to me all the time, and I don't reject them or think they are rude.</div>
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<b>How did I learn this?</b></div>
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Mom said it was true, but I can see that she was overgeneralizing now.</div>
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<b>Is it still true today? </b></div>
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No. As an adult, I can say "no" and most people will respect my boundaries. If they don't, that's just information about who they are. I can then choose to spend less time with them.</div>
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<b>If I violate this rule, what will happen?</b></div>
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It depends. If someone takes my "no" personally, they may get upset, but that's their Velcro™ to remove. I want to spend time with people who respect my boundaries.</div>
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Sometimes these steps are not enough. Deeply held beliefs take longer to change. Repetition can be helpful. So can processes like <a href="http://www.julielevin.com/emdr.php" target="_blank">EMDR</a> and Attachment Based Counseling (a process I've developed so clients can re-parent themselves more effectively. I will write more about this process next time). </div>
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Remember, if you are taking something personally, it's an opportunity to let go of a belief or interpretation that makes you feel bad. Turn your focus away from the other person or event. Look inward using the questions above. Remove that Velcro™, and set yourself free! </div>
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Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-58426141243949105282014-07-18T13:42:00.002-07:002014-07-20T18:26:50.612-07:00Disarming Difficult PeopleThey are everywhere. People who refuse to listen. People who are manipulative. People who are easy to anger and slow to forgive. But if you have one at work - or worse, in your family - they can become the bane of your existence.<br />
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The thing to remember is that difficult people are stuck, often lonely, and usually, under the armor, feeling powerless.<br />
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Did your head just tilt to the side in confusion? Yes, the people who frighten you the most are the ones who feel powerless. I call it helpless rage. They lose control. They push others away. They know that even if they get compliance, they are not getting cooperation or genuine relationship.<br />
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But let's talk about YOU for a minute. Is it scary to confront a difficult person? Do you avoid saying or doing certain things with them? Are you walking on eggshells? Do you fume after they, once again, steamroll over you?<br />
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For most of us, the fear of anger or angry people is combination of biology and experience.<br />
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Biology:<br />
Our bodies evolved to recognize a predator and run. And angry people can seem predatory. Though, in the wild, a predator rarely comes in growling or snarling. True predators sneak up on prey. Angry, snarling behavior is the behavior of an animal who feels threatened (powerless!).<br />
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Experience:<br />
Many of us grew up with someone who was angry and scary. As kids, we were helpless to protect ourselves. And if the other adults were also afraid, they couldn't model for us what to do to feel safe. We may have decided that anger is bad or dangerous. We may repress our own anger so that we don't become the frightening adult we witnessed and feared.<br />
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So how do you disarm a difficult person - especially if you feel scared?<br />
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Having a plan and sticking to the plan is key. In the beginning, your fight-flight response will want to kick in and either attack, defend or run. Your plan will help you override these impulses. Later, as you have success disarming difficult people, your fight-flight reactions will calm down. Seeing that you have the skill and ability to 1) keep yourself safe and 2) calm the other person, will reinforce what you're learning.<br />
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So, here's the plan:<br />
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<li>Stick to the plan. Don't take the bait. Have what you want to say rehearsed, memorized, or written down so that your own anger or fear-induced brain-fog does not take over.</li>
<li>Listen to the angry person's words and do your best to repeat them back accurately. For example: "You're saying that I should have sent this out last week. Am I hearing that right?" The person will agree or correct you. If they correct you, say the new words. "Oh, so you wanted me to send it within 24 hours of the request. Is that right?" Often this will feel like mincing words. No worries, keep refining till they tell you you got it right. The key here is to remain calm and keep letting go of any desire to defend or explain. You don't have to agree with the person. You are just checking to make sure you heard them correctly. As you do this, they should begin to feel more understood, which is what they really want.</li>
<li>Empathize. "It sounds like this is really important to you." Or "Wow, I really pissed you off!" No sarcasm or defensiveness can come through. You have to be offering true compassion for this to work. Remember, you are not agreeing that you're a jerk (even if this is what they are saying). You are understanding that they are intensely frustrated, and from their perspective you are the source of their irritation.</li>
<li>Ask for more. "Is there anything else I'm doing that's not working for you?" Give them space to vent. Use steps 2 and 3 when they offer up their laundry list.</li>
<li>Thank them. "I really appreciate you taking the time to let me know how I can help you better." Again, you are not agreeing. You are just appreciating that they explained what is making them so frustrated. You may decide to alter your behavior or not. That's secondary. </li>
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<b>The key to making this work is your own emotional reactions</b>. If you take the other person's beliefs about you personally, it probably won't work. We take things personally when we already buy into some or all of what they are saying. I call this emotional Velcro. We all need to remove our Velcro by examining our self-talk, our embarrassment, our shame. When we can sit comfortably in our own imperfect skin and not judge ourselves, the judgement of others won't matter. In my next post, I'll talk more about removing the Velcro.</div>
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<br />Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23643339.post-26162454980754695422014-06-16T12:18:00.000-07:002014-06-16T12:18:05.194-07:00Father's Day, Grief, and HealingNot all of us have dads who were our heroes, our protectors, our cuddly-human-jungle-gyms. Some of us have dads who left. Some of us have dads who stayed but were scary, dismissive, judgmental. Some of us have dads who were unable or unwilling to stand up to scary mothers on our behalf. Not everyone is qualified to be a parent. But there are no tests to pass, no licenses to apply for.<br />
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For those of us with abusive or absent fathers, a forced, Hallmark holiday like Father's Day can be torturous. At the least, it's a reminder of what we didn't have. At the worst, it's a reminder of what we did have that wasn't so great. And if your dad is still living, you might be in the terribly uncomfortable position of having to (or feeling like you have to) get the obligatory card, do the obligatory celebration, even though you know (and he knows) it's not really true. Year after year, I call my sister from the greeting card section of the drug store and lament that there is no card that says, "So That Happened."<br />
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For many years, I soldiered on, as though having a painful relationship with my dad was just part of the package. More recently though, I've been unpacking the memories - good and bad. My dad made the best scrambled eggs and wore the best smelling aftershave. But he was (and is) also a lifelong alcoholic who could fly into terrible and unpredictable rages. My dad was a great hugger and the best back-rubber. But he was a racist and a sexist who basically looked down on everyone. He was highly intelligent and spoke many languages. But he alienated people all the time. He would take me bowling or miniature golfing, but we always had to stop at my grandparents house where he would have a loud, angry fight with them in Yiddish, while I sat on plastic-covered furniture and waited.<br />
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My dad comes by his addiction and anger honestly - tons of childhood abuse and neglect. But I didn't know this as a kid. The depth of humiliation he suffered made it impossible to reveal himself to anyone, including himself. So therapy was out of the question. Yet he managed some level of self control. Just before I was born, he and my mom decided to stop spanking (as they had my sisters). And he stuck to that (which, given his impulsivity, is rather miraculous).<br />
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Knowing that my dad's odd and scary behavior comes from trauma, helps me in the ongoing process of my own healing. I know more details of his abuse now than I used to. I can imagine how frightened he was as a kid. I get that being tough, feeling superior, and cutting people loose before they hurt him was the only way he knew to feel safe in a very unsafe world. And these days I can hold that compassion without letting him hurt me. I keep a safe distance. I call early in the day, before he has a chance to get high, when he is mostly clear-headed. I keep our talks short, and hang up before he can spin into a spiral of negative thinking.<br />
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What helps even more is healing my own trauma. This means grieving the fathering I never got to have. And then out of that grief finding within me the protective, fun, mentoring, fathering energy that I needed. I hold the younger parts of me close and let them know that my adult self is here now, to give them what dad couldn't. I will keep them safe. I will always be kind and respectful. I will speak to them gently. I will celebrate their successes and comfort them when things go wrong. I will lay in the grass with them and marvel at the shapes of clouds. I will provide, protect, and cherish.<br />
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Recently I've found that I can do this for the little boy inside my dad too. And that has proved amazingly healing. He never deserved to be abused. Under all the anger and emotional armor, he's really a very vulnerable and lonely child. It sucks to be him. I can love that kid. And I can hold the whole truth. Parts were wonderful. Parts were awful. Even though there is no Father's Day card for that.<br />
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<br />Julie A. Levin, MFThttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350580158882123059noreply@blogger.com0