Book Review: Amanda's Big Dream

I was a fat kid. I had a mom with an eating disorder, who restricted my food intake before I was even born. She liked to brag that she only gained 22 pounds when she was pregnant. In school I was teased for being fat. By the time I was in kindergarten, I assumed that if someone was mean to me, it had to be due to my body.

At age nine, I was a member of weight watchers, weighing and measuring my food, but also weighing and measuring my worth. At fourteen, I was eating between 600 and 900 calories a day. By eighteen, I was binging and vomiting. No matter how thin I became, I could not outrun (or out-diet) my anxiety. I wasn't a naturally thin person, so an anvil hung over my head, waiting to drop. If I regained the weight I'd lost, which surely I would because I was sooooo hungry, who could possibly love me?

It would be another fourteen years before I discovered the size acceptance movement and began to practice loving myself unconditionally in the body I have. It's been a long and arduous process, full of fits and starts, to really embrace myself lovingly. Along the way, I learned from experience that how I feel about myself and how I treat myself sets the tone for how others treat me. When I felt ashamed of my body, people were openly critical and judgmental, even though I was a size four. Now that I am comfortable in my skin, people just enjoy who I am at a size 16.

I would never want a child to experience the shame, blame and rejection I felt. I would never want another human being to feel less than because she or he weighed more than fashion or weight charts dictate. Yet we still live in a world where fat is held in fear and contempt, fat people are seen as inferior and morally weak, and thinness is equated with desirability and good health (despite growing evidence that fitness, not fatness, is the best indicator of health).

So I am thrilled to share a book on size acceptance written for kids (and their parents). Amanda's Big Dream is about a little girl who loves figure skating.

When her coach suggests that losing weight could help improve her performance, she begins to doubt her ability. Her parents and her doctor (who thankfully practices a Health at Every Size approach), are supportive and encouraging. Amanda's best friend teaches her that it's not size, but lots of practice, that makes a skater great.

We need more books that help parents, teachers, doctors, coaches (and first-ladies) recognize and stop playing into fat-shaming kids. A couple TV shows and video games would be good too. Until that happens, we are the front line. We need to become role models of self love and self acceptance for our kids. And we need tools to talk to them about the fat discrimination they will likely face or witness in this culture. Amanda's Big Dream might help start those important conversations.

Judith Matz Teaches Parents to Prevent Negative Body Image

Whether you're a parent or you're reparenting your inner child, this article by Judith Matz is great for preventing and undoing fat shame.

http://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/9-common-mistakes-parents-make-about-their-kids-weight/

Straightening the Cake

I wrote this essay several years ago, and just ran across it again...

S'mores Cake

I remember as a kid, standing in front of the refrigerator, scanning for something I wanted to eat and not finding it amidst the low-fat cottage cheese in the pink container, the non-fat milk in the blue container, and the steamed, skinless chicken breast wrapped in plastic. My mother would yell at me to shut the door and stop wasting energy. She meant the energy the fridge used. Looking back I realize I was wasting my energy trying to find something I actually wanted to eat. Outside in the garage we had an extra freezer that housed Sara Lee cheese cakes and pound cakes - for my mother's dinner parties. I liked to open that freezer door and stand there too, wasting energy.

My mother hid "goodies" for herself. On top of the fridge in a big wooden bowl, under a towel lay a bag of malted milk balls. Her stash. My two older sisters taught me to climb onto the counter and find the bag. We would each have a couple. Not too many or Mother would notice.

When my mother threw those elaborate dinner parties, she created dishes out of Gourmet magazine. Gourmet magazines filled the rack in the bathroom. I could read about buttery sauces and cheese filled pasta while sitting on the toilet. But in the kitchen, there was nothing good to eat.

At my mother's parties, I learned to sit at the table and pretend to be satisfied with a smidge of this and a sliver of that. I ate the salad with the real dressing, full of fat, and pretended I didn't want more. I ate the pasta filled with ricotta and spinach and parmesan and pretended I didn't want more. I ate the dessert - one of those frozen cheesecakes, now defrosted and decorated with cherry pie filling. I pretended I didn't want to eat the whole thing.

When the parties were over, and it was my turn to help clear the table and clean the kitchen, I would sneak more food. I carried the warm brie and crackers from the living room back to the kitchen, sneaking a bite as I set it on the counter. I ate the remnants of pasta off the serving plate before washing and drying it. And when there was cake left over, I sliced off a tiny wedge, so no one would notice.

My sisters would do the same. We were in cahoots, conspiring with each other as we ate forbidden food, literally behind my mother's back. Sometimes my mother would even be "in" on the process. If my mother turned around at just the right moment, she might catch one of us enjoying a transparently thin slice of cake. My sister Sue, in training to become a master manipulator, would say innocently, "I'm just straightening it out. It was crooked."

We would all laugh, nervous laughter, the laughter of recognition. We ALL wanted more cake, even mom. Sometimes, we would put the cake in the middle of the kitchen table. Mom and her three daughters would sit around the table talking, making each other laugh, and straightening the cake.

Though my mother restricted our food (or tried) and dragged us to Weight Watchers, and complained bitterly when we got fat, and despaired over her own (usually minimal) arm flab, I can't blame her for the shame I felt about my body. It was her shame too. In the process of trying to protect us and ensure our happiness, living in a culture that hates fat, she did her best to keep us thin. She fed us her anxiety on a bed of undressed lettuce, topped with a weighed and measured portion of very dry chicken.

Do I Have to Forgive, Part 2 (When the Answer is Yes)

In my first post on forgiveness. I focused on the importance of having your own permission NOT to forgive. The key was to be certain that you protect yourself from the person who harmed you. This permission is so essential when the person who is harmful cannot or will not behave differently. Not everyone is capable of taking responsibility for their behavior. Some people will continue to shame or blame you for getting hurt. In these situations, boundaries are more important than forgiveness.

But there are times when forgiveness becomes necessary - not for the other person, but for YOU. Forgiveness in this sense is not about mending or repairing a relationship. It's about letting go of the indignation, the hurt and above all, the WISH that the other person could one day develop the capacity for empathy, care and repair.

The folks at www.nomoreshameproject.com have a one-page on forgiveness that describes this so well...

Forgiving your abuser(s) is ultimately a benefit for you, not only a benefit to your abuser. Forgiving them can relieve a weight of heaviness, bitterness, anger and resentment you might be harboring that could be extremely damaging to your recovery or even your physical health.

For me the need to forgive comes on sleepless nights. My bladder or my cat (or very often, my cat standing on my bladder) wake me, and in the wee vulnerable hours, my poor little mind goes around and around the loop of insanity, trying to explain to myself why the person who has harmed me is wrong. The unseen person in the conversation is the part of me that WISHES so fervently for repair. The loud, repetitive one arguing is the one who knows that repair isn't possible. To reconnect would only mean further abuse.

In these 2am or 3am struggles, the only thing that gets me back to sleep is a sweeping, all encompassing declaration of forgiveness. Instead of the loop, I tell myself and the world that I forgive all wrongs ever done to me so I can sleep. I forgive everyone and everything, just for tonight. Tomorrow I may change my mind (this is for the one who needs to know I will not put myself back in harm's way). But tonight, when I am tired, and I need to let go, I forgive. I forgive big and broad and deep. And it gets me to sleep.

I like this idea of forgiveness as a tool to use as needed, rather than a thing to do to "get over it." On that same one-page from nomoreshameproject.com they write,

Forgiveness is not always a “one and done” action. Sometimes we must make a conscious effort to “re- forgive” when we are flooded with memories or the aftereffects of our abuse. Forgiveness can sometimes be a process that needs repetition often. 
 That’s okay. That doesn’t mean you’ve done it wrong. It just means the wrongs done against you were deep and lasting. 

Ultimately, what I am really forgiving is my own longing that things can be different. This is how it is for us who grew up with emotional abuse or neglect. We have little ones inside of us that are still hungry for the connection our bodies were wired for - the parent-child attachment based on safety, soothing and cherishing. I can apologize to the little girl I used to be. I can tell her, I'm so sorry mom and dad couldn't give you that feeling of security and connection you needed. I'm sorry they will never develop this capacity. It's not fair. It's not okay. You don't have to like it.

This is the apology that allows me to move out of the obsessive loop of longing for something that doesn't exist and into the grieving and letting go. The grief hurts, but it doesn't feel crazy. It's recognizing that what looked like an oasis was actually a mirage. And that realization lets me find water where it actually exists.

"...and I was fat as hell the whole time."

I'm not usually one to post articles on my blog, yet here I am doing just that for the second time in a row. The thing is, sometimes other people write things I wish I'd written. This is one of those times. 

I too got married fat, and without wearing any minimizing undergarments. It was 1995 and I was just beginning my journey toward self acceptance and fat positivity. I didn't yet know there were others like me, getting ready to say no to both the external and internalized fat prejudice rampant in our culture. It would be another two or three years before I would discover books like When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies or Fat!So? 

When I took up the loving and accepting language of fat positivity, people became silent and awkward. Conversations about dieting and self hatred would abruptly stop when I walked into the office lunch room. There wasn't yet a place for an open dialogue where I could say, "Hey, maybe all of our bodies are just fine exactly the way they are." When I tried, it was like I was speaking a foreign language.

So it warms my heart to share this joyful article by Lindy West on being an unapologetic fat bride. 

Being Thin Can't Make You Happy... But this Article Might :-)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ravishly/being-thin-didnt-make-me-happy-being-fat-does_b_6661862.html

Eat Whatever the Huckleberry you Want

I just saw an article on FB telling us that milk is harmful. If you love milk, don't fret. Next year, milk will be a superfood that cures everything that ails you. And if you hate milk, no worries. The year after that, it will be demonized again. I've said it before. The experts have no idea what's good for you. Carbs, fats, nuts, eggs, gluten - they all get their turn as villain and hero.

I wonder if this scientific back and forth is really a reflection of a bigger struggle in our culture: we feel guilty for enjoying delicious food. It must be healthy, or we are "bad." 

Food is not a moral issue. Neither is being fat - even though people fiercely judge those with body fat. Know what is a moral issue - at least in the Christian faith? Judging people. You can't control whether other people are judgemental. But you can work toward making your own mind a judgement free zone. Loving yourself unconditionally is a very good diet to adopt. It will lower your stress. And I think the experts remain consistent that stress damages health.

Love, on the other hand creates oxytocin. Dr. Michael Gershon, author of The Second Brain, writes about how oxytocin appears to reduce inflammation in the gut and positively impact autoimmune disorders. It also creates feelings of bliss. So, rather than fussing over what you put in your mouth or the number on the scale, feed yourself a steady diet of kindness, gentleness, play and compassion. Wrap your own arms around yourself and send love to every cell in your body. Even if the feelings aren't genuine at first, pretend that they are. Treating yourself lovingly will make you feel loved over time. 

If other people judge you, tell them to take a flying huckleberry.

Honoring Your Inner Mother on Mother's Day

If you struggle on Mother's Day (or any holiday) because your relationship with your mom was (is) difficult -

If you felt more like a burden to her than a gift -

If you've been learning to love yourself (or want to learn how) unconditionally -

Read my newest post on www.reparent-yourself.com.

Brilliant TED talk on the brain's role in regulating weight.

if you're trying to lose weight, especially for your health, watch this great TED talk

I'm cheating on my blog, with another blog

Yes, I know, I've been neglecting this space all month (well two). It's time to come clean. I've started a new blog. It's not that I don't love this one. It's just that I find I keep writing about self care instead of emotional eating. And yes, self care is part of the healing process, but I've really been off topic for a while now.

I also wanted to learn WordPress (sorry Blogger!). So I made a site using that tool. I can't say I've loved it. The learning curve made me want to slap the internet. But with all the hard work now mostly done, I'm keeping it. Besides, it's purple.

So, come over for a visit. www.reparent-yourself.com.

It's just got a few posts, but in time I will add more and more, eventually creating what I hope will be a definitive "How-To" for those of us who didn't get the parenting we needed as kids.

I hope it proves healing and helpful!

What I Know for Sure about Emotional Eating

It's been a long time since I've written about food or weight or emotional eating. And yet, all the other topics - self esteem, self-protection, loss, cultural dogma - aren't those the things we eat over? I was wondering about the shift in the blog. It mirrors a shift in my own growth.

It's been fascinating to step back from myself and watch my relationship with food change over the years. Don't get me wrong. I still love bacon, and I'm a huge fan of ice cream.

Bacon Ice Cream (photo, from House and Home magazine)
no longer has the power to fix painful feelings or create self-loathing. Yay!

What's different is I don't turn to bacon or ice cream for soothing anymore. Also, my weight hasn't really changed significantly in the past fifteen years. What's different is I don't hate my body anymore.

This blog is a chronicle of how I got to this place of self love and self acceptance. In the beginning, I took it on faith, that if I practiced being loving with myself, I would create loving feelings for myself. I took it on faith that if I practiced unconditional self-acceptance, I would eventually stop criticizing myself or wishing for a different shape or size (the magical one that would end all suffering forever). And it worked!

I often tell my clients who struggle with overeating or other compulsive behaviors, that addiction is substitution. What we are all really hungry for is the safety of being loved and accepted exactly as we are. We live in a culture where there is so much judgement and rejection. And we imagine that a different size or shape (or income or title…) will inoculate us against that painful not-belonging-ness. But changing ourselves to avoid criticism doesn't work. As the young people say, "haters gonna hate."

The person who has to love you absolutely and fiercely, no matter what is YOU. You may have to take it on faith for a while. You may need help to change your inner critic into an ally. You may have to set limits with friends and family who still judge themselves and others negatively. The process is slow and marked with fits and starts. But I can tell you this. The freedom - not just from emotional eating - but from the insidious self-hatred that follows a binge or a weigh-in, that freedom is DELICIOUS.