Helpless Humiliation and Wondrous Healing

So in my last post I mentioned that out of my year of difficulty, I gained some wonderful wisdom that I might not have been open to had I not been in serious emotional pain. So here's one of the most important things I've learned.

First, the world is not always a safe place. Neither is it always a dangerous place. For me it has been mostly safe physically, and often times, not so safe emotionally. Anger, sadness, pain, loneliness and fear were not welcomed in my family. My mother regularly let me know I was "too sensitive." My father loved to provoke me to anger and then laugh, leaving me feeling helpless and humiliated.  I stayed small, quiet, and ate away my feelings and needs, since neither of my parents had the capacity to provide safety or soothing.

Yet over the years I have discovered that in the presence of people who are kind and respectful, I thrive. I am resilient. Even in the midst of a stinker of a year, I can lift up my head and feel awe watching bees drinking from flowers (especially knowing that bees are struggling to stay alive these days). I still believe in miracles like butter, redwood trees, sweat pants, and being held close by someone who loves me.

I am deeply aware that I am not alone. There is no way to get through this life unscathed. The trick is to remain open hearted or "whole-hearted" as Brené Brown likes to say. For me, keeping an open heart requires feeling safe in the company of other people. In this past year, I have been battered by people who, I'm sure, have been battered themselves.

The insurance rep, who I mentioned last time, was like a stern school principal, certain that every client is going to attempt insurance fraud. The contractor who was fond of bending the truth, I'm sure feels tossed around by the whims of the economy, trying to make as much money as possible while there is work available. With these pressures, it's easy to lose integrity and become untrustworthy.

For me, dealing with these personalities daily felt like I was being ground into fine dust - an apt metaphor since most of my house was covered in plaster dust. What was being ground away was my civility, my politeness, my calm. The raw nerves underneath were angry. And not just any kind of anger, but the most poisonous type: helpless rage.

At the time I didn't know that my armor (civility, politeness and calm) was about to be cracked open so I would have to heal that old wound inside - humiliation.

I've long understood that the pairing of anger and fear in me was connected to how my anger was treated when I was little. I didn't fully understand that it was a fear of being humiliated. I didn't know yet that the brain registers humiliation as a traumatic experience. As social creatures, humiliation, which separates us from the safety of others, is a threat. It turns out that sticks, stones AND words can all hurt us.

So enter insurance guy who treats me like a naughty child. Slightly humiliating. Enter contractor who keeps "forgetting" that he needed another day's work for this and another list of supplies for that. Mix in a husband who is worried that we won't be able to find anyone else to do the work (another long story of how difficult it was to find this guy in the first place). And I don't feel like I have any power - like the power to fire the guy - in our negotiations. Mix in a few personal attacks from a family member who has his own abuse history and tends toward abusive behavior when he's stressed out. And it's the perfect storm.

I lose my composure. I lose my cool. I lose my shit.
And it's about time.

At first my anger comes mixed in with the humiliation and the fear. I hate this kind of anger - hard to feel strong when your voice is shaking and you're sweaty and half your thoughts disappear in a fine, red mist before you can say them aloud. This is the vagus nerve, shutting down the body in the expectation that you're about to be eaten. Sucks when you're trying to stand up for yourself.

But over the next few weeks, through an amazing process called Somatic Experiencing, I start to embrace my healthy, strong, no-one-can-mess-with-me, anger. I like to call this Big Cat anger. The image in my mind is of a lioness, lying in tall grass, peaceful and alert. Muscles relaxed but also ready, if needed, at any moment. This calm is so different from the suffocating armor of being small and quiet and eating instead of biting in anger. It's a peace that comes from knowing that with one roar, one swipe of my claws, I can take down any of life's hyenas. And in that knowing, not needing to take anyone down. Just raising an eyebrow when someone is being a jerk, as if to say, "Really? Do you know who I am?"

In this state of empowerment, the world looks brighter, sharper, clearer. My body feels stronger, more agile, and my mind feels awake, open. My heart is open too. Safe to love even more deeply.

This is how healing from attachment trauma goes. We use the best and only defenses available as kids to keep ourselves safe and connected to family that should, but can't, protect and cherish us. For most of us, the defense involves being what our families needed us to be - the good one, the bad one, the skinny one, the fat one. And then those defenses fail. At first it can be terrifying. But moving through the process consciously, with the help of someone who gets it and cares allows for transformation - new strengths, new awareness and a deepening feeling of grounding, and centering. We become our Big Cat selves.

So, that was a year

It's more than a year since my last post. And honestly there is a tiny twinge of guilt from the Should committee in my head. But it's tiny, and it's being hugged and loved by the Breathe committee and the Everything's Okay committee.

And then, WOW! I have a Breathe and Everything's okay committee!!!! I didn't always. So it feels kind of miraculous that they are here, so very present and available when I need them. Ahhhh.

It's been quite a year. My mom, now 80-something, has had some form of dementia - memory problems, concentration problems, and her anxiety has finally caught up to her now that she can't escape it through busy-ness, self-distraction and overwork. My dad had a little cancer - really a little, thank goodness. But still enough for some surgery which is hard on any body, but especially one that is 85.

My sisters fortunately handled the bulk of the care-giving duties, but they got soooo burned out. In the easiest of families, aging is hard. In my very dysfunctional family, it's mayhem. Several trips to Los Angeles, many phone calls, lots of conversations with doctors and hand-holding at various appointments, and everything I've ever learned as a therapist and a therapy client was tested to the limits.

In late July, a water hose in my kitchen failed while I was at work, and the whole first floor of my house flooded. The contents of the first floor - furniture, dishes, appliances, rugs - basically everything - was relocated to the upstairs bedrooms and garage. Kitchen cabinets were removed. Portions of the walls cut out or studded with drill-holes so that giant dryers could dry the walls and insulation, avoiding future mold problems. The insurance representative was more like a stern school principal (certain that everyone is committing insurance fraud) than a helpful partner. The contractor (as I've learned is common) was painfully slow, expensive, and a bit of lying liar.

I had an immediate trauma response - shock, followed by intense anxiety and then a near-complete shut-down of my emotional-relational system.

Miraculously, I was able to work, compartmentalizing my personal trauma somehow. Work was a kind of life-line. I knew that if I could show up and be present for my clients, parts of me were still resilient enough to come back on-line when the time was right. I am still in the process of thawing out. My parents are mostly stable. My house is functional and in many ways, much nicer and newer than before. And the Breathe and Everything's Okay committees are here with lots of hugs, walks in the woods and mugs of hot cocoa and tea.

I would not wish this year on anyone. Yet, I have come out of it with precious, delicious and soul-feeding wisdom I may not have otherwise been open to receiving. In my next posts I will share more of this. Today I just wanted to say Hi again. It's been so long.