How to Stop Taking Things Personally - Removing Your Emotional Velcro™

First, let me acknowledge that what I'm about to say is not always easy. A lot of my clients spend weeks (sometimes longer) processing a painful interaction before they can understand and act on what I'm about to tell you. So feel free to bookmark this post and come back to it when you need the ideas reinforced.

We all have what I call "Emotional Velcro™" inside of us. This is the place where painful words, images, memories and experiences get stuck - where we take things personally. When someone says, "Jeez, you're so selfish!" and that comment keeps going around in your head, you know you have some Emotional Velcro™ there. 

You feel the desire to defend or explain, "I am NOT selfish! I just volunteered sixteen hours at the food bank! I did all of your laundry when you had that deadline! I am the least selfish person you will ever know!"

We take other people's comments and actions personally when we have a negative belief or interpretation about those words or actions. In other words, you get upset about being called selfish (or lazy or fat or frustrating) ONLY if you believe that it's bad or wrong to be selfish.

Now here's where a lot of people get stuck. They tell me, "But Julie, it IS bad to be selfish!" They don't realize that "good" and "bad" are interpretations, not absolutes. 

I don't like broccoli. I think broccoli is bad. But I realize that broccoli is not inherently bad (it's not personal, broccoli). A lot of people love it. I could go further and tell myself that those people are weird or have a strange sense of taste. None of this is objectively true. Similarly, what one person calls selfish, another person might call self-care, good boundaries, or lack of information. 

Usually when someone labels us, what they are really saying is, "I need something from you, and it feels too vulnerable and scary to tell you. I'm afraid of being needy (because I have an interpretation that neediness is bad), so I will just get angry and tell you that you're selfish."

While it can be enormously helpful to realize that people label you when they can't express their needs directly, it's even more useful to remove your own value judgements about yourself and others (the Velcro™). If you believe that selfishness is not inherently bad, then anyone can call you selfish, and you will not take it personally. You will have converted your Velcro™ into Teflon™. 

And this is where it can get hard. Changing our own beliefs takes work. Especially beliefs that were instilled in childhood, when learning how to fit into our family belief systems was essential to feeling loved, accepted, connected and safe. 

I had a client once who came to see me for anger problems. She felt irritable all the time and quick to snap at the people closest to her. After her boyfriend left her, she realized she had to change. When we looked at the source of her anger, we learned that she could not say no to anyone. She felt compelled to do whatever other people wanted to do. She believed that if she said "no," she was being rude. So she walked around with no ability to set reasonable boundaries. Then, when her resentment built, she would pop, and all her irritation would come out all over the people she loved the most. 

Where did she learn that "no" was rude? It was a lesson her mom taught her when she was little. Maybe this happened during the terrible twos, when those "No!" messages come out in ways that do sound rude. Mom didn't explain that "No" is a very important word. But sometimes it works better to say it gently. As a kid, my client learned that to feel loved and safe, she could not say no, and the belief stayed with her (along with the belief that it's never okay to be rude).

These are interpretations. They are not objectively or absolutely true. Often, it is essential to say "No." And sometimes it's useful to be rude. It's also okay to disappoint people. None of these things makes you a bad person. As an adult, you can stop judging yourself and eliminate your Velcro™ .

To find the beliefs you take personally - your Velcro™, finish the following sentence:

"I am bad (difficult, frustrating, etc) if I…"

To remove your Velcro™ use the following questions. 

What other interpretations of that behavior might there be? 

Is this true for everyone, or just me? 

How did I learn this? 

Is it still true today? 

If I violate this rule, what will happen?

Example:

I am rude if I say "no."

Other interpretations: 

• I might be rude if I say "no" like a snotty two year old, but I can also say "no" kindly and respectfully.
• Saying "no" when I need to is honest, and most people will appreciate knowing they can trust me to be real with them.
• Saying "no" with respect will prevent my anger from building.
• Everyone has the right to say "no" when they are asked something that doesn't feel right for them.

Is this true for everyone?

No. People say no to me all the time, and I don't reject them or think they are rude.

How did I learn this?

Mom said it was true, but I can see that she was overgeneralizing now.

Is it still true today? 

No. As an adult, I can say "no" and most people will respect my boundaries. If they don't, that's just information about who they are. I can then choose to spend less time with them.

If I violate this rule, what will happen?

It depends. If someone takes my "no" personally, they may get upset, but that's their Velcro™  to remove. I want to spend time with people who respect my boundaries.

Sometimes these steps are not enough. Deeply held beliefs take longer to change. Repetition can be helpful. So can processes like EMDR and Attachment Based Counseling (a process I've developed so clients can re-parent themselves more effectively. I will write more about this process next time). 

Remember, if you are taking something personally, it's an opportunity to let go of a belief or interpretation that makes you feel bad. Turn your focus away from the other person or event. Look inward using the questions above. Remove that Velcro™, and set yourself free!  

Disarming Difficult People

They are everywhere. People who refuse to listen. People who are manipulative. People who are easy to anger and slow to forgive. But if you have one at work - or worse, in your family - they can become the bane of your existence.

The thing to remember is that difficult people are stuck, often lonely, and usually, under the armor, feeling powerless.

Did your head just tilt to the side in confusion? Yes, the people who frighten you the most are the ones who feel powerless. I call it helpless rage. They lose control. They push others away. They know that even if they get compliance, they are not getting cooperation or genuine relationship.

But let's talk about YOU for a minute. Is it scary to confront a difficult person? Do you avoid saying or doing certain things with them? Are you walking on eggshells? Do you fume after they, once again, steamroll over you?

For most of us, the fear of anger or angry people is combination of biology and experience.

Biology:
Our bodies evolved to recognize a predator and run. And angry people can seem predatory. Though, in the wild, a predator rarely comes in growling or snarling. True predators sneak up on prey. Angry, snarling behavior is the behavior of an animal who feels threatened (powerless!).

Experience:
Many of us grew up with someone who was angry and scary. As kids, we were helpless to protect ourselves. And if the other adults were also afraid, they couldn't model for us what to do to feel safe. We may have decided that anger is bad or dangerous. We may repress our own anger so that we don't become the frightening adult we witnessed and feared.

So how do you disarm a difficult person - especially if you feel scared?

Having a plan and sticking to the plan is key. In the beginning, your fight-flight response will want to kick in and either attack, defend or run. Your plan will help you override these impulses. Later, as you have success disarming difficult people, your fight-flight reactions will calm down. Seeing that you have the skill and ability to 1) keep yourself safe and 2) calm the other person, will reinforce what you're learning.

So, here's the plan:

1. Stick to the plan. Don't take the bait. Have what you want to say rehearsed, memorized, or written down so that your own anger or fear-induced brain-fog does not take over.
2. Listen to the angry person's words and do your best to repeat them back accurately. For example: "You're saying that I should have sent this out last week. Am I hearing that right?" The person will agree or correct you. If they correct you, say the new words. "Oh, so you wanted me to send it within 24 hours of the request. Is that right?" Often this will feel like mincing words. No worries, keep refining till they tell you you got it right. The key here is to remain calm and keep letting go of any desire to defend or explain. You don't have to agree with the person. You are just checking to make sure you heard them correctly. As you do this, they should begin to feel more understood, which is what they really want.
3. Empathize. "It sounds like this is really important to you." Or "Wow, I really pissed you off!" No sarcasm or defensiveness can come through. You have to be offering true compassion for this to work. Remember, you are not agreeing that you're a jerk (even if this is what they are saying). You are understanding that they are intensely frustrated, and from their perspective you are the source of their irritation.
4. Ask for more. "Is there anything else I'm doing that's not working for you?" Give them space to vent. Use steps 2 and 3 when they offer up their laundry list.
5. Thank them. "I really appreciate you taking the time to let me know how I can help you better." Again, you are not agreeing. You are just appreciating that they explained what is making them so frustrated. You may decide to alter your behavior or not. That's secondary. 

The key to making this work is your own emotional reactions. If you take the other person's beliefs about you personally, it probably won't work. We take things personally when we already buy into some or all of what they are saying. I call this emotional Velcro. We all need to remove our Velcro by examining our self-talk, our embarrassment, our shame. When we can sit comfortably in our own imperfect skin and not judge ourselves, the judgement of others won't matter. In my next post, I'll talk more about removing the Velcro.