I just had a great walk/talk with my friend Aaron. Like so many men in our culture, he was indoctrinated into the belief that tall, skinny women are sexy. But he shared that that's not what he's really attracted to. What he really likes are short, curvy women.
When a friend points out a tall, skinny girl and says "She's hot!," Aaron doesn't get it. He remembers going out with those tall, skinny girls, thinking he should like them, then finding himself losing interest.
"Now, finally at 40," he says, "I can own that I really like shorter, heavier women. For a lot of guys, it's hard to acknowledge this. It's not what we're supposed to want."
I was so delighted to hear him acknowledge this truth. Clearly it's not just Aaron or my own sweet hubby who are attracted to REAL women. Otherwise only the skinny people would pair off.
The next time you find yourself lamenting that you have to lose weight to find love, remind yourself of Aaron, and all the other guys out there who will want you and love you exactly as you are. Beauty comes in all kinds of packages.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Eating In Captivity: A Holiday Story
When I was young, food was mostly forbidden. My mother controlled what we ate diligently, determined her family would not get fat. She doled out glasses of nonfat milk, and diet Shasta Cherry Cola. She stir-fried leftover chicken with broccoli or cauliflower (ew!). For herself, there was always a bag of malted milk balls, hidden atop the fridge in a big wooden bowl. My primary form of exercise was climbing the counter to get to that bowl.
My mother also loved to entertain. Thanksgiving was a huge production with family and friends. The meal was channeled to my mother through Gourmet Magazine. In the living room before we ate, our guests were treated to room temperature Brie cheese and water crackers - things that were absent from our home the rest of the year. The turkey was served with chestnut stuffing, gravy made from the pan drippings and butter, potatoes whipped fluffy with cream and more butter. Vegetables were there too, though not my personal focus. And after the meal, my mother served her famous sinful chocolate cake - basically a cake-shaped disk of dark chocolate ganache covered in a shiny chocolate glaze.
My mother laughed with her guests and reveled in their compliments about her food, her table, her decor. But she kept a watchful eye on us too. A reach for seconds of those potatoes was sure to be met with a raised eyebrow, a nonverbal message which clearly said, "you don't need that."
It was torture to finally have access to really good food, and have to pretend not to want it. I learned from my older sisters to get around my mother's watchful eye by clearing the table. After dinner, one of us would clear the leftover brie from the living room, so the guests could retire there. In the kitchen my sisters and I would share slices of cheese, no matter how full we might be from dinner. When the guests left the dining room, we took the plates to the sink and then descended on the bowls of food. As we transferred their contents to tupperware, we had the seconds we craved. This was after all one of our only days of indulgence, a furlough from food jail.
The holidays are always a difficult time for emotional eaters. But they are that much worse for those of us who've endured tightly controlled eating or restrictive diets - whether it was our mothers, coaches, or ourselves who enforced the rules.
Ironically, the tighter the control, the more we eat. Like refugees, we grab every morsel we can during a binge or while "cheating," because the threat of going back into food jail looms large.
This holiday season, I invite you to do things differently. If it would feel good or be interesting, close down food jail. If restricting food makes you want (and eat) more when it's finally available, lift the restrictions and see what happens. If you love stuffing, start having stuffing now instead of waiting till turkey-day. And notice, if stuffing is no longer forbidden, do you overeat it?
After many years now of eating what I want, when I want, I am always tickled to find myself eating comfortably (instead of getting over-stuffed) at Thanksgiving. Without the watchful eye of my mother (or my inner critic) waiting to get me into trouble, I just eat what I want. And when I feel full I stop. If I want mashed potatoes with gravy again the next day, I have them. If I want turkey with cranberries and stuffing in July, I make it. When food is freely available, it all gets so much easier.
My mother also loved to entertain. Thanksgiving was a huge production with family and friends. The meal was channeled to my mother through Gourmet Magazine. In the living room before we ate, our guests were treated to room temperature Brie cheese and water crackers - things that were absent from our home the rest of the year. The turkey was served with chestnut stuffing, gravy made from the pan drippings and butter, potatoes whipped fluffy with cream and more butter. Vegetables were there too, though not my personal focus. And after the meal, my mother served her famous sinful chocolate cake - basically a cake-shaped disk of dark chocolate ganache covered in a shiny chocolate glaze.
My mother laughed with her guests and reveled in their compliments about her food, her table, her decor. But she kept a watchful eye on us too. A reach for seconds of those potatoes was sure to be met with a raised eyebrow, a nonverbal message which clearly said, "you don't need that."
It was torture to finally have access to really good food, and have to pretend not to want it. I learned from my older sisters to get around my mother's watchful eye by clearing the table. After dinner, one of us would clear the leftover brie from the living room, so the guests could retire there. In the kitchen my sisters and I would share slices of cheese, no matter how full we might be from dinner. When the guests left the dining room, we took the plates to the sink and then descended on the bowls of food. As we transferred their contents to tupperware, we had the seconds we craved. This was after all one of our only days of indulgence, a furlough from food jail.
The holidays are always a difficult time for emotional eaters. But they are that much worse for those of us who've endured tightly controlled eating or restrictive diets - whether it was our mothers, coaches, or ourselves who enforced the rules.
Ironically, the tighter the control, the more we eat. Like refugees, we grab every morsel we can during a binge or while "cheating," because the threat of going back into food jail looms large.
This holiday season, I invite you to do things differently. If it would feel good or be interesting, close down food jail. If restricting food makes you want (and eat) more when it's finally available, lift the restrictions and see what happens. If you love stuffing, start having stuffing now instead of waiting till turkey-day. And notice, if stuffing is no longer forbidden, do you overeat it?
After many years now of eating what I want, when I want, I am always tickled to find myself eating comfortably (instead of getting over-stuffed) at Thanksgiving. Without the watchful eye of my mother (or my inner critic) waiting to get me into trouble, I just eat what I want. And when I feel full I stop. If I want mashed potatoes with gravy again the next day, I have them. If I want turkey with cranberries and stuffing in July, I make it. When food is freely available, it all gets so much easier.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Sugar Addiction: A Note to a Colleague
I recently answered a question posed by a colleague about sugar addiction. Since there's so much misinformation about this idea, I thought I'd share my response here...
Dear J,
I subscribe to the non-diet approach pioneered by therapists like Jane Hirschmann and Carol Munter (see their book, Overcoming Overeating). I also like to be really clear that sugar has never been shown to be an addictive substance, but that there may be a psychological dependence on sugar or carbohydrates because of the calming effects they have on the body. All addictions, obsessions and compulsions are about managing anxiety, after all.
Often clients will avoid certain foods or food groups in an effort to maintain control. And as we know, control is a hallmark of addictive thoughts and behaviors, whether trying to control food intake, alcohol intake or even the co-dependent trying to control others. Control (or the illusion) makes us less anxious.
Where abstinence works well for substances we don't need like alcohol or drugs, it's a flawed model when it comes to food. Fortunately, the body has its own self-regulating mechanism, hunger and fullness. I find it useful to encourage clients to define abstinence as eating according to these natural, built-in mechanisms. If they are eating when hungry and stopping when full, they are being abstinent. No food plan can determine when they get hungry or how much they need to feel sated.
Then, when they are not abstinent, I work with any tendencies toward shame or self-flagellation. It becomes evident at some point that if they are eating to soothe painful feelings, then creating more pain through self-blame is counter-productive. As an inner voice of compassion develops, binges, or behaviors of deprivation (both are non-abstinence) become opportunities to look at the anxiety that needed to be soothed through eating or deprivation. As such the disordered eating becomes a friend, a guide to when something's not right.
Monday, May 11, 2009
What if it’s Not About the Food? Sharing my Personal Struggle with Food and How Healing Happened…
Hi All,
Here is another guest post. This is from Ondina Hatvany, MFT. I hope Ondina's personal experience helps you know you're not alone, and there is hope for everyone who struggles with emotional eating.
“The constant craving for that chocolate chip cookie that won’t let up, until finally I can’t stand it anymore and give in…. Before I know it, the whole pack is gone… numb relief, coupled with self disgust because I feel so out of control. When will this nightmare ever end???” (excerpt from Ondina’s Diary Dec 1982)
Yes, I was once a food addict and at the whims of emotional eating bouts that left me exhausted and filled with self loathing. At the time I thought I would never find a way out of the not so merry-go-round of the fasting/ feasting cycle that had it’s grip on me. The breakthrough was when I first began to make the connection that perhaps it was not about the food… so, what was it about then? Here’s that story:
1985 in London, during the throes of my compulsive binge eating days, I was invited to a community in Scotland called Findhorn that was famous for its’ unexplained phenomenon of being able to grow record sized vegetables and fruits out of sandy soils. I spent a magical week living close to the land, eating fresh fruits and vegetables and meeting many interesting people. Needless to say, this was a welcome break from my unhealthy London life!
However, as soon as I was back in London, I hit the sweet shops driven by a compulsion that seemed stronger than me. I was on a massive sugar binge. Miserable and filled with self hatred, all of the magic of Findhorn disappeared. I was right back to square one, except now, it was worse because I had tasted something different. I felt trapped by the prospect of a future with this constant battle against food and my body.
That night I got a call from a new friend I had made at Findhorn. When he asked me how I was doing I decided to tell him the truth. Being at rock bottom, I figured I had nothing to lose. I shared with him hesitantly because I was so ashamed by my excursions.
His response was simple but it changed everything: ” Maybe you are looking for more sweetness in your life?”
It was an “Ah-Ha!” moment that changed everything: I felt seen!
I suddenly got that I was trying fulfill my emotional needs from food. There was a lot more going on here than mere over-eating.
Discovering the link of this emotional component with my struggle around food was the beginning of my healing journey. A journey that continues to this day as I explore with clients ways to break through compulsive binge eating, bulimia, anorexia and all the variations of emotional eating and food addictions.
Gone are the days waking up and dreading facing another day around food. Nurturing myself has become a great pleasure in life. This has created more freedom with food and my body image than I ever would have believed possible!
I share my story in the hope that others who struggle with emotional eating and food addiction might realize that freedom from vicious cycles of food, weight and body image issues IS possible. You might want to start with getting curious about the question: “What if it’s not about the food?”
Ondina has offices in Mill Valley and San Francisco. You can find her website at:
http://www.ondinawellness.com/
Ondina has offices in Mill Valley and San Francisco. You can find her website at:
http://www.ondinawellness.com/
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Overeating: A Response to Dangerous Needs
Today we have a guest post from Ben Ringler who is working toward his license as a Marriage and Family Therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area. It's always great to find new therapists who understand the roots of emotional eating. Ben offers us insight into how we may be eating in response to needs that feel dangerous...
Overeating: A Response to Dangerous Needs
Generally speaking, we live in a culture of addiction. Many of us make efforts to simultaneously avoid and fill ourselves because we are afraid to feel any emptiness, pain, anger or even pleasure. Anything can serve our addictions, drugs, television, sex, relationships, work and, commonly, food. Especially in our country, where we have abundant amounts of food, fast food restaurants on many street corners, supermarkets the size of small cities, eating beyond our body’s needs is common.
Challenge and Opportunity
Because food addresses some of our need for nourishment and pleasure, overeating is both challenging to overcome and an amazing opportunity for growth and self-acceptance. Challenging because we cannot avoid food like we can alcohol or drugs. We need to eat to food to survive. So, those who tend to overeat are consistently faced with their impulse to eat greater amounts of food (and types) than necessary. Opportunity because there are plenty of chances to become aware of the dynamic associated with overeating.
Eating Away Our Own Needs
How we eat often reflects how we relate to ourselves. Specifically, the way we eat is a mirror for how we feel about our own needs and how we go about getting our needs met. For many, having needs is (perceived as) dangerous. As such, the need to eat (or any other need that arises) is going to be anxiety producing and perhaps rattle the sense of inner safety. In response, overeating is one way that many have discovered to maintain a sense of safety from an inner world of unsatisfied and dangerous needs. For some, eating in large quantities may be a welcome pause from the anxiety of experiencing needs as dangerous.
Dangerous Needs
On an unconscious level, there are many who feel that their needs are dangerous. When those needs begin to arise, a sense of safety is rattled. As a result, one shoves those needs (and the fear of them) way down, often with food. Those who experience this were most likely either shamed and/or attacked or neglected and/or abandoned when they needed someone or something as a child. Their caretakers were unable to be with their own unmet needs while attending to a child’s. A chain of perceived dangerous needs is created. The unfortunate by-product is the association of needs arising with either attack or abandonment. As a survival mechanism, their needs (and the pain associated with them) were hidden from view.
Transformation through Inquiry
Food gives us a sense of substance, grounding, so there is some energetic basis for eating as providing a sense of inner safety. The question is, are our needs really dangerous? We can change our patterns over time when we begin to accept our behavior and face the truth of what drives these urges to overeat. From this perspective, if we begin to get in touch with our own needs, and the feelings we have associated with them, we can begin to break the chain of overeating as compensation.
Think about how you eat. First, bring awareness to the chain of thoughts, feelings and actions that lead up to a meal. Are you in need of food or is there something else? When you feel hungry, do you feel anxiety? Are there a lot of thoughts about what to eat? Do you fight yourself about what to eat? When you finally choose and sit down (or drive thru) for a meal, become aware of this process; can you taste the food? Are you anxious? Do you beat yourself up? How does your body feel? When you are complete, do you beat yourself up? Do you regret? How is your body now? Do you vow to do it differently the next time? Notice the repetition of these thoughts and feelings around eating.
Continue to notice each time you eat. Notice how you might resist noticing. You can begin at any time, anywhere. At one time, you adeptly learned to use food to keep yourself in tact and safe. You did the best you could and continue to. Keep that as a mantra as you simply notice how you relate to the overeating process now. This increased awareness will undoubtedly, over time, change you. New choices will emerge. It is not a question of will. Rather it is accepting the lessons that the behavior of overeating have to show you. Overeating is a doorway.
Ben Ringler is a registered MFT intern #52936, supervised by Patricia Herrera, MFT #37738
He can be reached at (510) 848-8899 or on the web at www.BenRingler.com
Ben brings up some ideas that are rich with opportunities to explore. How has it felt wrong, bad or unsafe to be "needy?" I'd love to see your comments!
Overeating: A Response to Dangerous Needs
Generally speaking, we live in a culture of addiction. Many of us make efforts to simultaneously avoid and fill ourselves because we are afraid to feel any emptiness, pain, anger or even pleasure. Anything can serve our addictions, drugs, television, sex, relationships, work and, commonly, food. Especially in our country, where we have abundant amounts of food, fast food restaurants on many street corners, supermarkets the size of small cities, eating beyond our body’s needs is common.
Challenge and Opportunity
Because food addresses some of our need for nourishment and pleasure, overeating is both challenging to overcome and an amazing opportunity for growth and self-acceptance. Challenging because we cannot avoid food like we can alcohol or drugs. We need to eat to food to survive. So, those who tend to overeat are consistently faced with their impulse to eat greater amounts of food (and types) than necessary. Opportunity because there are plenty of chances to become aware of the dynamic associated with overeating.
Eating Away Our Own Needs
How we eat often reflects how we relate to ourselves. Specifically, the way we eat is a mirror for how we feel about our own needs and how we go about getting our needs met. For many, having needs is (perceived as) dangerous. As such, the need to eat (or any other need that arises) is going to be anxiety producing and perhaps rattle the sense of inner safety. In response, overeating is one way that many have discovered to maintain a sense of safety from an inner world of unsatisfied and dangerous needs. For some, eating in large quantities may be a welcome pause from the anxiety of experiencing needs as dangerous.
Dangerous Needs
On an unconscious level, there are many who feel that their needs are dangerous. When those needs begin to arise, a sense of safety is rattled. As a result, one shoves those needs (and the fear of them) way down, often with food. Those who experience this were most likely either shamed and/or attacked or neglected and/or abandoned when they needed someone or something as a child. Their caretakers were unable to be with their own unmet needs while attending to a child’s. A chain of perceived dangerous needs is created. The unfortunate by-product is the association of needs arising with either attack or abandonment. As a survival mechanism, their needs (and the pain associated with them) were hidden from view.
Transformation through Inquiry
Food gives us a sense of substance, grounding, so there is some energetic basis for eating as providing a sense of inner safety. The question is, are our needs really dangerous? We can change our patterns over time when we begin to accept our behavior and face the truth of what drives these urges to overeat. From this perspective, if we begin to get in touch with our own needs, and the feelings we have associated with them, we can begin to break the chain of overeating as compensation.
Think about how you eat. First, bring awareness to the chain of thoughts, feelings and actions that lead up to a meal. Are you in need of food or is there something else? When you feel hungry, do you feel anxiety? Are there a lot of thoughts about what to eat? Do you fight yourself about what to eat? When you finally choose and sit down (or drive thru) for a meal, become aware of this process; can you taste the food? Are you anxious? Do you beat yourself up? How does your body feel? When you are complete, do you beat yourself up? Do you regret? How is your body now? Do you vow to do it differently the next time? Notice the repetition of these thoughts and feelings around eating.
Continue to notice each time you eat. Notice how you might resist noticing. You can begin at any time, anywhere. At one time, you adeptly learned to use food to keep yourself in tact and safe. You did the best you could and continue to. Keep that as a mantra as you simply notice how you relate to the overeating process now. This increased awareness will undoubtedly, over time, change you. New choices will emerge. It is not a question of will. Rather it is accepting the lessons that the behavior of overeating have to show you. Overeating is a doorway.
Ben Ringler is a registered MFT intern #52936, supervised by Patricia Herrera, MFT #37738
He can be reached at (510) 848-8899 or on the web at www.BenRingler.com
Ben brings up some ideas that are rich with opportunities to explore. How has it felt wrong, bad or unsafe to be "needy?" I'd love to see your comments!
Friday, April 17, 2009
This posting needs only two words...
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Is the Mirror Your Enemy?
If you're an emotional eater, the mirror can really activate your inner critic, bringing up feelings of shame, comparing yourself to others or how you used to be (or wish you were). You could be feeling just fine and then, passing a plate glass window, get a view of yourself in profile and feel terrible. Suddenly your inner critic is unleashed, beating you up for everything you've ever put in your mouth. Ouch!
Common wisdom will tell you that the solution to this problem is simple: go on a diet. But if you're an emotional eater, it's just not that simple. Often the feelings of shame about your weight or size are what drive you to eat - using food to soothe the pain. And, even if you do lose weight, you may never feel thin enough or continue to find fault with different parts of your body. Dieting is not the answer to problems with body shame.
Ironically, the answer is in the mirror! By consciously using the mirror to practice neutral self descriptions, you can begin de-programming the automatic responses of your inner critic - un-brainwashing yourself, if you will.
I'm not recommending positive affirmations where you stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful your belly is when you really think it's horrible. Instead, try looking in the mirror and describing your body without any judgment, positive or negative. Here's an example:
"My arm is pale on the inside and darker on the outside. It's wider at the top and then gets narrower at my elbow, a little wider at my forearm and then narrower at my wrist."
For many people it's easier to get started by making a list of body parts and then ranking them easiest to hardest to look at. You may spend a week getting used to talking about your hands or your eyes in neutral terms. Then you might move on to your shoulders or knees. Each person is different, so there is no right or wrong way to do this. Take your time and gently nudge yourself toward the more difficult parts only when you feel ready.
By practicing mirror work, there will come a time when you can look at every part of yourself from a neutral place. This is the path to true self acceptance.
Common wisdom will tell you that the solution to this problem is simple: go on a diet. But if you're an emotional eater, it's just not that simple. Often the feelings of shame about your weight or size are what drive you to eat - using food to soothe the pain. And, even if you do lose weight, you may never feel thin enough or continue to find fault with different parts of your body. Dieting is not the answer to problems with body shame.
Ironically, the answer is in the mirror! By consciously using the mirror to practice neutral self descriptions, you can begin de-programming the automatic responses of your inner critic - un-brainwashing yourself, if you will.
I'm not recommending positive affirmations where you stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful your belly is when you really think it's horrible. Instead, try looking in the mirror and describing your body without any judgment, positive or negative. Here's an example:
"My arm is pale on the inside and darker on the outside. It's wider at the top and then gets narrower at my elbow, a little wider at my forearm and then narrower at my wrist."
For many people it's easier to get started by making a list of body parts and then ranking them easiest to hardest to look at. You may spend a week getting used to talking about your hands or your eyes in neutral terms. Then you might move on to your shoulders or knees. Each person is different, so there is no right or wrong way to do this. Take your time and gently nudge yourself toward the more difficult parts only when you feel ready.
By practicing mirror work, there will come a time when you can look at every part of yourself from a neutral place. This is the path to true self acceptance.
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